Enhancing Your Relationship During The Pandemic
It’s been a while now. The fantasy of more time together and family dinners may have died off. The reality is setting in and we’re all trying to adjust to the new hats were forced to wear during this stressful chaotic time.
So how do we continue surviving, maintaining peace, or even thriving together during this time? Here are some thoughts for you and your partner to stay mindful of over the next few weeks as we, hopefully, wrap up this quarantine!
1) Mindset.
One of the biggest factors towards success in any area of our lives is how we think about it. If we tell ourselves happiness is hard to find, we only create an environment that reinforces challenges and hardships. We continuously look for ways to validate the feelings and opinions we are experiencing. How does this apply to your relationship? If you tell yourself that your partner is not using this time effectively, is selfish, or just down right annoying right now, you will continue to focus on areas of your day that validate these thoughts and beliefs. You will become hyper-focused on all the things your partner is doing that confirm your thoughts are right. But lets check in, what emotional need is truly not being met? Are you not feeling heard? Not prioritized? Under-valued for you sacrifice during this time? What’s triggering these emotions and thoughts? Getting this need met will then eliminate those excessive thoughts and allow you to focus your mindset on the positives. I always tell my couples, do not focus on the event, focus on the reoccurring emotion it creates for you. That is how we notice patterns, and are then able to create change.
P.S. your partner is likely also trying to cope with this pandemic, and do things that make them feel “decent”. We have to remember we all are in this strange situation for the first time…ever. And being a newbie at something typically create lack of perfection.
2) Structure.
The days are beginning to roll into one another. We’ve lost track of the day of the week, and it really feels like the weekend is no different than a Wednesday. But we need a break. It may feel like we’re getting even less done being home 24/7 than when we only had evenings and weekends; but we also have more stress on our plates. We are adjusting to a new role at work, parenting that involves becoming teachers and coaches, and even having someone in our work space if we were already working from home, or a stay at home parent, and now sharing this space with everyone. I encourage you to implement structure. What day’s of the week are chores being completed? When do we have meetings that are taking place? When are you getting your time to read, walk, do yoga, or have a virtual happy hour with friends alone? When is your partner? And what are you doing to work on quality time together. The quantity is there, but that doesn’t replace the need for quality. Sitting at the table all day working will not create a secure bond and accessibility of your partner. New experiences do. Take time to create unique hobbies and focus on a quality 30 minutes a day.
3) EIC’s.
For the couples I work with reading this, you already know what this stands for: Emotional Identification Check-ins. All of our emotions are high and we’re all doing our best. But EIC’s twice a week for 15 minutes can allow you to check-in with your partner and discuss where you’re at. This can allow connection and empathy to be built, and create a better understanding why are partner may be acting in a certain way. EIC’s look like;
“In what ways can I better support you this week?”
“What may unknowingly be causing you distress that I should be aware of?”
“What might you need more of or less of from me this week?”
When we incorporate these check-ins, we want to create an environment that allows for reflection, feeling heard, and having your partner “turn towards” you. This means they are fully engaged, not clicking through the channels on the TV or checking their email. Remember, quality over quantity. This means a few moments fully engaged is better than a two-hour conversation with distractions.
EIC’s are also supposed to be used when positive emotions can be shared. If we only use this time to express dissatisfaction or negative emotion, we may then create a schema that EIC’s are unsafe, undesired, and negatively reinforced. Positive affirmations should outweigh the negative on a 6:1 ratio. That means for every 6 positive encounters, are relationship can manage the hardship of one negative. Most of the time, I see many presenting with the opposite. Working on affirmations, our thanks and appreciation, and feeling emotionally heard creates positive experiences that allow us to feel connected and safe during times of distress and arguments.
4) Positive Planning.
Knowing this pandemic is only time limited, look to the future for what you’re looking forward to with your partner. We preach mindfulness, meaning staying present and focused on the here and now. But the here and now is hard to swallow currently and it is okay if we look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Talk about a trail you want to hike when the weather returns to 60 and sunny, what you want your garden to look like this summer, or even a trip you want to take this coming winter when traveling is safe. Turn this talk into a craft and create a vision board with your partner. Then the question becomes not if you’ll do these things but when. These goals create excitement, vision, and opportunity. When we focus on these areas, we focus on creating behaviors that align with this future, therefore we manifest the environment and lifestyle we talked about and envisioned.
Remember, it’s okay for your needs to be different right now. It also is okay that you’re feeling emotionally drained, stressed, or unable to cope with the uncertainty of this all. Negative emotions are just as important as our positive ones. Allow yourself time to sit in these feelings and really try to understand yourself. Be kind to yourself and your loved ones, we’re all trying to adapt and need each other more than ever.
As always, feel free to reach out for extra support. I am here to help!
Stay safe, healthy, and mindful.
Kara
Kara is a limited licensed psychologist, licensed psychotherapist, and limited licensed marriage and family therapist at reset brain + body. reset brain + body is a mental wellness practice where traditional talk therapy is elevated through the integration of meditation, art, play, nutrition, yoga and mindfulness. Connect with reset brain + body on Instagram & Facebook, subscribe to our newsletter. You can book a session with Kara here and follow her on Instagram.