TGIF: How to Handle Back-to-School Anxiety
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Dear Community,
Welcome to our weekly well-being column TGIF - Your Weekly Reset. Each week I will answer questions from you (or topics of general interest!), bringing in themes of mental wellness-related tools, reminders of gratitude, innovative solutions, and a summary of my own feelings related to the topic.
Submit your questions - things heavy on your heart and mind or just questions you feel better asking anonymously, as often as you’d like and I’ll be sure to address them in our upcoming columns.
As always, thanks for being here.
This week’s question is so relevant to trends we’re seeing in our inquiries, so I hope today’s topic helps you or someone you know!
Hey Kerry, I need some advice to help my kid with anxiety starting the school year. We had a great summer but their anxiety has increased a lot since starting school, making it hard to focus and get motivated.
Dear Readers,
Last year, nearly every day of the school week I was a nervous mama. I would anxiously pace at 3:30pm for my tender 5-year-old to emerge from his school, smelling like a musty closet, drooping, exhausted, and overall downtrodden. I’d brace myself thinking, “Okay, what happened today?” as I brought him in for a big hug, anticipating a big-feelings meltdown soon.
Last year, almost every school day I dealt with tantrums about going to school, negative feelings towards learning, and sadness over how my kiddo felt his teacher didn’t like him. I saw his confidence shrivel and the joy of learning extinguish. He was too young to feel this way about school so around New Year’s we got some help and chose a different direction. It was a rough year and I’m so happy to share that so far he’s thriving at a new school this year.
I share this story because as a parent, I understand how painful it is to see your kiddo suffering in school. Whether your child is 5 or 20, when they are struggling during the school day and you’re not there to help them, it’s a helpless and vulnerable feeling. I know a lot of you have kids across the age spectrum whose anxiety has returned now that school is back in session. Maybe they’re in 2nd grade and cannot keep up academically, in 8th grade dealing with new social pressures, or transitioning to college and freaked out by sharing a room and their privacy threatened.
Back-to-school big feelings and anxiety are very real and also very normal. However, back-to-school anxiety is also painful to manage and navigate for the entire family. So, let’s dig into this week’s topic.
TOOLS
To start us off, let’s talk about the tools to recognize anxiety in kiddos. Before we delve into strategies, it's crucial to understand what back-to-school anxiety looks like.
Excessive Worry: Children with anxiety often worry excessively about everyday situations or events. They may worry about school, separation from parents, their health, or other concerns that seem irrational or out of proportion to the situation.
Physical Symptoms: Anxiety can manifest physically in children. Look out for complaints of stomachaches, headaches, nausea, or other unexplained physical discomforts. These symptoms may occur in the absence of any apparent illness.
Irritability: Anxious children may become easily irritable, agitated, or have frequent temper tantrums. Their anxiety can make them feel on edge and less able to manage their emotions.
Sleep Disturbances: Difficulty falling asleep, frequent night awakenings, or nightmares can be indicators of anxiety in young children. They may also resist going to bed because of their worries.
Avoidance: Children with anxiety may try to avoid situations or places that trigger their anxiety. For example, they might resist going to school, avoid social gatherings, or refuse to participate in activities they once enjoyed.
Perfectionism: Some anxious children may exhibit perfectionistic tendencies, fearing failure or making mistakes. They may spend excessive time on tasks and get upset when things don't go as planned.
Restlessness: Restlessness or fidgetiness can be a sign of anxiety in children. They may have trouble sitting still, appear anxious or tense, and find it challenging to focus on tasks.
Social Withdrawal: Anxious children might withdraw from social interactions, have difficulty making friends, or show reluctance to participate in group activities. They may fear judgment or negative evaluation from others.
Excessive Self-Criticism: Children with anxiety may be overly critical of themselves, often setting unrealistically high standards. They may be their harshest critics and struggle with self-esteem.
Repetitive Behaviors: Some anxious children may engage in repetitive behaviors or rituals as a way to cope with their anxiety. These behaviors may include nail-biting, hair-pulling, or other forms of self-soothing.
Difficulty Concentrating: Anxiety can affect a child's ability to concentrate and focus on tasks. They may become easily distracted and find it challenging to complete schoolwork or other activities.
Seeking Reassurance: Anxious children may repeatedly seek reassurance from parents, caregivers, or teachers. They may ask questions like, "Are you sure everything will be okay?" in an attempt to alleviate their worries.
It's important to note that occasional worries and fears are normal in childhood. However, when these signs become persistent, interfere with daily functioning, or cause distress, it may be indicative of something more acute.
GRATITUDE
Now, let’s pause.
If you’re even reading this, I want you to give yourself some credit. Teachers often tell me, “Kerry we love your newsletters, but the people who read them aren’t always the ones who need them!”. I get it- you are here because you already value mental health and wellness.
At this moment, please put your hand on your heart and give yourself gratitude for caring and trying your best. You’re here, living this hard life, asking for help. Good job. And if you’re a parent, great job.
INNOVATION
The Reset Pillars: Connect, Move, Nourish, Breathe & Rest
Moving on. Let’s talk about then what we can do to support our child who is struggling with back-to-school anxiety. I want to use the Reset Pillars as an easy framework to reference because how we innovatively approach anxiety is through a holistic, integrative method.
Connect
Open Communication is Key. Initiate an open and non-judgmental conversation with your kid about their feelings. Create a safe space for them to express their concerns and fears. Show empathy and validate their emotions. Knowing that you're there to listen can be immensely reassuring for your kid.
Explore School Resources. Most schools have counseling services that can provide valuable support. Encourage your teen (or inquire yourself) to utilize these resources. School counselors are trained to assist students dealing with anxiety, and they can offer guidance tailored to your child’s needs.
Foster Social Connections. Support your child in building and maintaining social connections. Friendships provide a crucial sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation. Encourage them to reach out to friends and peers - offline - and help them plan friend activities.
Move
Promote Physical Activity. Regular physical activity is a natural stress reliever. Encourage your child to engage in physical activities they enjoy, whether it's sports, dance, or simply taking a walk. Do these things together like an after-dinner bike ride, walking the dog, or shooting hoops in the driveway. Exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood boosters.
More is Not Better. While the school year is an exciting time for more activities, be mindful and check in with your kid about their capacity. Are they feeling pulled in too many directions? Notice the excess stressors and help them move things around to create more spaciousness to prioritize what is most beneficial.
Nourish
Prioritize Sleep and Nutrition. Ensure your kid gets adequate sleep and follows a balanced diet. Good nutrition and sufficient rest are essential for mental well-being. A well-rested and nourished mind is better equipped to handle anxiety.
Reduce Unhelpful and Overstimulating Consumption. Instill limits on overstimulating and unhealthy inputs like social media, screen time, caffeine, sugar, processed foods, cannabis, and alcohol. While the immediate dopamine reward may feel good, the crash that comes afterward leads to emotional dysregulation, sleep disturbances, and impacts on self-esteem.
Breathe
Teach Relaxation Techniques. Help your kid develop relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, tapping, meditation, or yoga. These practices can empower them to manage their anxiety effectively and promote a sense of calm. Fun fact- we’re super good at these ;) But you can also download a meditation app to use together. We like Headspace, Calm and Stop, Breathe & Think.
Emphasize Self-Compassion. Teach your teen the importance of self-compassion and contemplative exercises to stay curious and forgiving. Help them be kind to themselves and avoid self-criticism and negative self-talk. Encourage self-care and self-compassion as part of their daily routine through affirmations, journaling, mindfulness exercises, positive mantras, and power moves.
Rest
Collaborate on a Routine. Work together with your teen to establish a structured daily routine that includes study time, relaxation, and social activities. Collaborative planning ensures they have a sense of control over their schedule, reducing feelings of being overwhelmed and getting enough rest and recharging time to adequately fuel their busier days.
Encourage Time Management. Teach your child effective time management skills. Assist them in setting realistic goals and prioritizing tasks. Encourage them to say no to additional responsibilities (and peers!) when they feel overwhelmed. Time management can significantly reduce anxiety.
And lastly, if your child's anxiety remains overwhelming despite your best efforts, consider seeking professional help. Therapists and counselors specialize in addressing mental health challenges and can offer customized treatment options.
FEELS
For me, personally, when my kid is not okay, I am not feeling totally okay. The old adage of, “you’re only as happy as your least happy kid” is alluring, however, it is wrong.
Parents - I want you to give yourself permission to still take care of yourself in spite of your child’s pain and suffering. Remember, you must model healthy habits for them through your own resilience, regulation, discipline, and self-compassion. Children cannot navigate life with their own hair on fire and they certainly cannot do it confidently when your hair is on fire.
Stay calm for them. You are their trusted leader. You can do this.
And here’s the thing - the goal is not even to be happy - for either of you. The goal for your child is to be secure in themselves. Be cautious to not swoop in and fix this for them. Let them flounder a bit, hold them accountable, and know that leading through love versus fear is a strong foundation in which you can make more intentional, mindful decisions.
You want your child to be resilient and resilience comes through perseverance, and belief in oneself that they can do hard things. So let them.
Hugs,
Kerry
