Who’s Side is My Kid’s Therapist On?
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Dear Community,
Adolescents are tough. There’s a reason the decades-old song “Teenagers” and the specific line, “scare the sh*t out of me” still bumps around in my mind.
We know that all kids are facing uniquely challenging times too, with more rational fears of systemic violence, comparison, pandemic isolation, disordered eating, and increasing suicide rates.
As a therapist, it can be tempting to take the child’s side. In fact, earlier in my career, I made mistakes when I believed everything my teen client said. It’s tough to build rapport and trust with a teen, and when you align with them, they typically open up more.
If you’re fearful that a therapist will victimize your kid and malign you, I understand. This fear is generally the reason so few parents permit a child from getting therapy. And yet, it’s the fostering of the relationship between the child, therapist, and parent that is essential to any real change.
TOOLS
This week our team had a presentation on adolescent clients led by the clinical leadership team at Reset. It created a much-needed dialogue about what we are seeing in session with adolescents and what we are hearing from the community with fears and stressors.
Here’s where we landed:
Kids are afraid. They are afraid of failing, letting down authority figures (coaches, parents, teachers), afraid of not measuring up against peers, afraid of freedoms being taken away, afraid for their physical and health safety as it relates to Covid, school violence, war, and climate change, afraid to be truthful and honest about their sexuality and gender, afraid of judgment, expectations, and consequences of not being good enough.
Parents are afraid. They are afraid of letting their kids down, afraid of how others perceive their parenting failures, afraid of not being a good enough parent, afraid for their family’s physical and health safety as it relates to Covid, school violence, global upheaval, and climate change, afraid of potential increased vulnerability and threats to their child’s safety in regards to gender identity and sexual orientation, afraid of bullies, community judgment, not setting up their child for success greater than their own and the consequences that may affect their child’s emotional, academic and career future.
What you see here are two parties that conflict with each other but hold so many similar truths. They are afraid of the unknown, lack of control, and loss.
So the tool to work within these relationships? Empathy.
GRATITUDE
Okay, so here is where we met a rub in our team discussion. And while conflict is hard and vulnerable, I’m grateful for safe spaces to discuss our differences of opinions.
Here’s what came up:
What about the parents who are verbally and physically abusive? What about the parents who deny their child’s gender identity as real? What about the parent who only sees grades and doesn’t engage with a kid’s emotions?
What about the kid who does drugs? What about the kid who disobeys, talks back, and hits their siblings? What about the kid who misses assignments and refuses to go to school?
Yea. This can make you mad. It can make you feel really angry and want control and seek justice and employ consequences and demand accountability. It can make you want to just give up and turn your back. It can create more polarization, division, and disconnection. But therapists are here to help families bridge the gap between kids and caregivers.
INNOVATION
You know, this feels politically relevant, no? We characterize a set of people based on their opinions, actions, beliefs, and reactions. We typecast them based on their clothing, slang, extracurricular activities, and cars they drive.
We create judgment. When there is judgment, there is no room for empathy or connection.
When we’re working with adolescents and their parents, we have to tear down the layers of judgment and bias. We have to look past the behaviors and identify and instead look at what is behind the behavior.
When we are empathetic, we can try to understand someone’s motives. Most of the time motives are in an attempt to gain love, approval, and belonging. When we seek out these things from fear or shame-based root, however, typically our reactions are not compassionate towards ourselves or others.
When we seek out love, approval, and belonging from a loving center, we can behave compassionately towards ourselves and others.
FEELS
So let’s break this down:
Everyone wants to be loved.
Our intergenerational traumas, experienced traumas, inherent belief systems, insecurities, fears, and shame can create obstacles to pursuing love in an authentic, compassionate way.
Because of this, we can be reactive, dismissive, judgmental, close-minded, prejudiced, defensive, and angry.
Once we try to understand how the other side feels and why they may be reacting this way, we make way for compassion and connection. In therapy, we can learn the skills on how to do this, for both kids and the caregiver.
But beyond the therapy room, are kids and parents seeing each other this way at home? Are we looking at strangers, neighbors, and peers with bias or with compassion?
Can we try and hold this truth:
While I do not know their story, maybe their actions can be rooted back to their own fears and hard experiences. Maybe their experiences have left them without unconditional love, support and good modeling. Maybe this is the best they can do with what they have in this moment. Maybe I can try and accept that. Maybe I can let go of my expectations of something different. Maybe I can set myself free from the pain of wishing it were different.
Now, remember, if people are doing bad things, they need to take accountability. But each person has their own perception of what bad is. We have world leaders who have no self-awareness to see the cruelty in their actions. It’s maddening.
But just like kids do not have the prefrontal cortex development to have terrific insight or impulse control, people with deep traumas, narcissistic traits, and personality disorders also struggle with the self-awareness to cultivate accountability.
We can see this as impossibly unfair, triggering, and infuriating. Yes. Let’s accept that experience. Feel the emotions of this. Honor how it makes you feel. Feel and process anger, rage, resentment, grief, and disappointment.
But also. We must adapt ourselves and our inner experience to make room to feel both disappointment and acceptance. We must create the space to hold pain and appreciation. With our loved ones, seeing the glimmers of good while also setting firm boundaries to protect our own energy.
Instead of creating external polarization, can we welcome polarity within with compassion, gentleness, and softness?
Empathy does not excuse bad behavior. Empathy frees us from the bitterness that gets in the way of our own growth and resilience. Empathy for someone else allows us to give ourselves empathy in our worst moments.
And that’s really what it’s all about.
