Social Anxiety in Adults (It's More Common Than You Think)
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Dear Community,
I had a hard week. Over the weekend I attended a social event and I noticed a flare-up of social anxiety that I hadn’t recognized in years.
I immediately validated the experience because it has been years since I was in a new group of people socializing! I spent some time this week talking to others about my experience and checking with colleagues.
Turns out, social anxiety in adults is on the rise. Maybe we just didn’t have the words for it before, but if you too are feeling extra nervous, avoidant, and in your head facing social situations: you are not alone.
TOOLS
When I first started therapy in my 20s it took me a long time to understand what I was experiencing. It wasn’t until my 3rd therapist and years later that I identified as someone with anxiety. It took a lot of time to name my experiences through observation and awareness versus just being in it.
What I’ve found is that my social anxiety is the same. For a lot of my adolescence into adult life, I have been insecure about my appearance. My body image and physical insecurities created a fear of being judged and feelings of being hurt for being dismissed and passed over. Because of this, I developed an unease in social situations. Starting at 15 years old I would binge drink to get over my uneasiness. I survived college and the 20s city social scene by using alcohol to calm my nerves. Unless I was drinking, I didn’t feel confident, interesting, or brave enough to even start conversations.
Now, as hangovers are horrific and challenging with children and my understanding of alcohol’s flaws outweigh its benefits, I cannot and chose not to use alcohol as a social crutch. Booze is no longer my available tool to manage social anxiety. Without this tool available, I’ve had to sit in some serious discomfort.
In my sober curious/sobriety, I was finally able to name my social anxiety. It wasn’t just insecurity or awkwardness…it was a real and intense fear. Fear of being judged, fear of being unworthy of attention, fear of being ignored, fear of being looked over, fear of being the person in the room no one wants to get to know because I am not attractive/thin/cool/unique/appealing enough.
Whoa. Folks, this is hard for me to share. I just started to understand it myself. Thanks for following along.
GRATITUDE
I’m literally deep breathing right now. My entire body feels restless. But I know there is power and strength in naming my experience of social anxiety. I know because it helps me get to the root of it. It helps me build compassion for myself, my inner wounds and untangle my limiting belief systems.
It also helps me feel not so alone.
Once I was able to name my social anxiety for what it is, I was grateful to hear that so many adults experience the same thing. For many of us, we’ve masked it really well with things like alcohol, technology, being “too busy”, and defensive tactics like being funny, a leader, self-deprecating, and attention-seeking. How could he/she be so insecure and anxious, they are so fun! They are so smart! They are so put together!
And yet. We all have a story. Most of us are struggling with something that no one knows anything about.
INNOVATION
One of the things I’ve noticed is the (seemingly Millenial spurred) movement towards sober curious/sobriety. Maybe it’s the social media algorithm but it feels like everywhere I turn there are people promoting a sober lifestyle and non-alcoholic beverages. For me though, having a reckoning with my alcohol consumption was a catalyst to uncover my social anxiety.
But in that unveiling, I’ve had to then figure out how to be social in a new way.
Here’s what I’ve tried that works…and I’m still very much practicing:
I am not the focus of everyone else’s attention. I laugh as I write this, but when you have social anxiety you just assume everyone is focused on you. You assume people are judging you, talking about you, and generally concerned with what you are doing and saying. It’s humbling to drop the narcissism and acknowledge this truth. When I’m overanalyzing what I said the next day in the shower (am I the only one that does this?!?), I remember that I am spending so much more energy on this than anyone who heard me.
I am not special, and that’s okay. I think in this day and age there is such pressure to be someone. Billions of dollars have been poured into our need for validation, approval, and recognition. It has created competitiveness and subsequent despair when you are not getting as much positive attention as someone else. Comparison is so much more available with social media. When I hold the truth that I am no more special than anyone else and I have nothing I need to prove, it relieves me from the pressure to be extraordinary. PS- a great book on this is The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.
I must belong to myself. UGH. This one is hard. While I cannot change certain things about myself without major cosmetic surgery, I am working on accepting who I am and what I look like. Part of that is finding ways to belong to me. I am trying to find my fashion and sense of flair. I am trying to match my values with my actions which means I interact with people and places that align with my authenticity. When I’m true to who I am, I find that I’m not as worried about fitting in.
FEELS
You know, I really dislike my social anxiety. I have a much better acceptance of my general anxiety, as I find it feels more relatable. Also, a lot of my general anxiety isn’t so personal. It’s more existential.
Social anxiety is personal. I am anxious because of who I am. Or rather, because of how I perceive myself to be to the world. It’s really vulnerable. Admitting I have social anxiety is admitting my deepest insecurities.
But in some way, I think it sets me free. By confronting my very real and intense insecurities, I have to work on them. I have to work on belonging to myself, finding ways to accept myself as I am, build compassion around the stories that generated my fears, and heal the darkest wounds.
I can see it so clearly. With each layer of understanding, I see another layer of opportunity. Hugs to each of you. Thank you, from the bottom of my open heart, for being here. You all help me and I hope to continue to help you.
Until next time…
