How to Cope with Perfectionism & Impostor Syndrome
By Kerry Biskelonis, LPC, RYT
Last Updated 03/02/2026
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How to Cope with Perfectionism & Impostor Syndrome
When is the worst time to make big decisions?
I recently read in one of my favorite writers’ works that no one should make any big decisions in February. She said that traditionally, February is so fraught with seasonal affective disorder and distorted thinking that we should expect ourselves to become uncomfortably unhinged in this short month; therefore, we are not to be trusted with our reactions.
Reading this, I felt so validated. As an Enneagram 7, nothing drives me more unstable than feeling trapped and deprived. I got my blood work done today, and the notable result: low vitamin D. I’m deprived of sunshine, and that doesn’t even scratch the surface of my emotional deprivation. And while I understand this sounds dramatic, and I do tend towards the drama, my feelings are my feelings, and they have been extra intense this month.
It’s normal to feel emotionally dysregulated in February & through the winter months.
To hear that self-sabotage and tearing down your whole life are normal phenomena in the month of February consoled me, as I realized I’m not alone in my emotional upheaval. There are others who are wanderlusting to relocate to warmer places, binge-planning trips they can’t afford to take, daydreaming of owning a coffee shop on the beach, and having panic attacks over spring sports schedules, wondering why they ever became a parent in the first place.
And really, what I can confidently name in this all is that I am tired.
How to Cope with Challenging Times and Seasons
This winter season, across the globe, whether you have endured unrelenting bitter cold and snow or not, has been challenging. I practice healthy boundaries with social media and the news, but the amount of despair and grief was unavoidable. The vibrational uncertainty and unsteadiness are palpable. Angst, disgust, and rage are taking up space in my body. Throughout this month, I’ve operated with a, ask me again if I’m okay, and I may sob restraint, tears building behind my eyes as I try to hold it together while also just being a good human.
And that’s the real conflict: I’m trying really hard to just be the best version of myself amidst it all, and yet I am really, really, fucking tired.
A Case Study in Exhaustion from a Mom and Therapist
This all built up to an episode over the weekend. We returned from a ski trip up north with a lot of stimulation and people, not enough alone time, and downtime. I parent two active boys; sometimes, that’s what it takes. Usually, a good yoga class helps, and while Saturday’s class offered some quiet, in that quiet, the stirrings began. By the end, I felt I needed 5 more hours to release all that was coming up. I needed more time to be. And, like most people on most days, time was not a luxury afforded to me, and I was quickly thrown into the next activities of the day.
Sunday, I broke a bit. I knew what I needed and sent the kids downstairs with a household of neighbors, trusting the 5th grader would parent them all. I holed myself up in my office with my journal and just let myself break. I tapped further into the quiet and let pages and pages spill out in my journal. I was able to peel back the layers and really understand the root of my bad mood, the triggers, and the sticky stories I couldn’t let go of.
Reset’s First Clients: Type A Professionals and Perfectionists
When I first started Reset, I worked primarily with Type A professionals. These are the ambitious perfectionists who feel it is impossible to slow down. Most clients have a narrative of not being enough, and my stressed professional clients were hypercritical of themselves, never allowing themselves a second to stop. Because the goal line is always moving towards more and better, their expectations of themselves are extremely high.
An Alternate Way to View Perfectionism
I recently came across a reframe of perfectionism that stuck with me: rather than a flaw to eradicate, it can be the very thing that drives us toward meaningful change — if we stop letting it turn inward as self-criticism and punishment.
My Experience of Perfectionism & Impostor Syndrome
And this past weekend, when I was deep in my woes, the tenor of my upset was about beating myself up for not being good enough.
I felt like a complete sham, writing each week while feeling like such a failure. I yell at my kids. I don’t recycle enough. Weekly, I forget about my compost bin. I eat meat. I don’t attend town halls or protests. I buy single-use plastic and have daily contacts. I microwave rice. I want to renovate my basement. I have hurt people. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’m so imperfect, no wonder people have rejected me. I’m contributing to this world’s mess by not doing better in it. I’m a failure. A fraud. Impostor syndrome at its finest.
While still feeling stuck in this spiral by Tuesday, I thankfully had therapy. It was in therapy that I could offer myself the compassion that, yes, I have every right to be tired. I told her that right now, it’s taking most of my resources to end the day trusting that I’ve been a good parent. While I wish I could also be all these other things - environmentalist, activist, fundraiser, organic gardener, poet, spiritually evolved priestess, vegan, animal rescuer, foster parent - just being a kind, mindful human who also, maybe, enjoys her days was already hard enough.
Affirmations for When Your Best Doesn’t Feel Like Enough
In a world that is so much, I think it does warrant a moment to celebrate if you’re still someone who has a heart that is generous, the intentions to be good and do good, to be patient with your kids, cook a home cooked meal, text a friend to check in on them, be present at work and smile, laugh and take a walk. I want to do better, I want to do more to help this world, but I have to give myself grace that maybe, maybe, my daily efforts can be enough.
Because, as my therapist lovingly reminded me, I matter too. That annoying (because people say it all the time) phrase of “you have to put on your oxygen mask first” is annoying because it’s true. And yet, it’s hard to do when life is busy and fast, and expectations are so high.
How Surviving Each Day Builds Resilience
Clearly, I do not have it all figured out. I’m still adjusting each day. This winter has tested me - my gratitude, my optimism, my resilience. I’m surviving most days, not in my thriving era. And I think that’s okay. I think maybe it’s resetting my goal post right now. Maybe it’s good enough to smile at my neighbor, take out the trash, and then make mac and cheese for the kids. Maybe it’s enough to go to yoga and not walk the dog in the blustering wind. Maybe it’s enough to donate and not line the streets with a poster board.
How to Release Perfectionism and Embrace Self-Compassion
And in the grace I give myself, moments do come more alive. I savor the long bedtime routines because I left dishes in the sink. I don’t rush through it all, trying to get more done, so I can actually find enjoyment in the simple, mundane moments. Maybe even gratitude. When I stop trying to be perfect out of fear and scarcity, I can instead witness my growing edges, offer myself compassion, and breathe.
And underneath all of it, I keep coming back to a belief I’ve held for a long time: do you believe everyone is doing the best they can, or not?
I do believe this, full-heartedly, and it’s offered me so much freedom as I try to understand events in this world and the actions of others. But sometimes I forget to extend this same compassion to myself. Because, as an optimizer, I always believe I could do better. And the tricky part is holding that tension - yes, I am doing the best I can in this moment, and also, I could always improve.
The Key Takeaway: Balance and intention matters.
I am learning it’s not about the pace, it’s about the intention. I’m learning to choose the moments when I wish to optimize, push harder, be better, and when I can let myself off the hook. I’m learning what’s more important in any given moment - holding my deep desire for more, better - for myself and the world - while also learning how to take care of myself.
Remember to be realistic with yourself - you are human, and it is very normal to not “get things right” all the time.
I will fail people. I will let them down. I will upset my kids, spouse, and the people I care about. I will not be perfect. I will absolutely display that I am stumbling and do not have the answers. I will disappoint people. For many, I will not be good enough. I will not be enough. A lot of this has already happened, times over.
But can I hold that knowing and still love myself? Can I still offer myself love and grace and tenderness while I knowingly have dropped the ball in some other area? Can I still be a good human while not always behaving like a saint? Can I be lovable and worthy and also imperfect?
It’s normal for the practice of self-compassion to be a (lifelong) work in progress.
I want to answer these questions with an undeniable yes, but I admit, I’m still sort of faking it. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe the practice of asking the question is the work.
Even if you are a perfectionist, you can do your best to prevent your kids from struggling with the same self-doubt.
What I do know is this: I am putting most of my energy into my kids so they can answer these questions without hesitation. So they never have to earn their worthiness, never have to prove their enoughness. They can be beautifully flawed and so, so loved.
If I can try my best at that, I can be enough.
Remember, you are never, ever alone. Big hugs.
Support for Your Mental Health
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Conscious Transparency: This newsletter was edited by AI for grammar, spelling, and sentence structure, but every idea, tone of voice, perspective, and word choice was my own. This newsletter is imperfect because a human wrote it. Thank you for your graciousness.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools: Sometimes naming something helps validate our experiences. Words matter. A team member today shared the word compersion, which is the experience of feeling joy, pleasure, or compersion-fueled excitement when a partner finds happiness with another person. While this is predominantly a term used in the polyamorous community, she used it to zoom out to the experience of witnessing someone’s joy and experiencing joy yourself. People have also been talking about Stendhal Syndrome, a psychosomatic disorder causing rapid heart rate, fainting, confusion, and dizziness when exposed to overwhelming, beautiful, or high-concentration art.
Gratitude: Both of the definitions above offer reasons behind some of the most beautiful experiences this winter: live music at the DIA, skiing with my kids, watching the Olympics, seeing my first cardinal of the new year, going to a Palm Oasis forest, hiking in a stunningly quiet desert, and listening to Mumford and Sons’ newest album. These are the moments I treasure, the aliveness, the joy of being and witnessing.
Innovation: This was the first Olympic season that I was locked in. I recorded every event, watched it daily, cried along with athletes, was stunned by their resilience, researched these remarkable humans, and celebrated alongside them. I loved sharing these experiences with my older son, both of us losing our voices while watching OT games in women’s and men’s hockey. I loved that women’s sports seemed to get more attention and airtime, and that online streaming made every event more meaningful and more diverse than ever before.
Feels: In a long, exhausting, gloomy winter, the Olympics gave me something to celebrate and share joy in. It made me feel proud of my fellow Americans. I even felt proud. It felt important to come together and celebrate that way. And it helped get through this slog of a month. We’re almost there. Can’t wait to see you in March.
