How Finding Your “Why" Can Help with Getting Through the Tough Times
Gritting it out
Rita* is a tough cookie.
She doesn’t always have money. Sometimes there’s not much food in the refrigerator. The neighborhood is rough. Rita’s kids stay in the house a lot, playing video games. They are teenagers now, and they don’t talk to her as much as they used to.
Rita is okay with things. Video games keep the kids out of trouble. There is no one waiting to greet Rita when she gets off work now, but the bills get paid. “Doesn’t it ever get tiring?” I ask. “Yeah,” she says, “But I love my babies. Things will work out. God is good.” She grins. I can tell she means it.
I have grown closer to Rita over the years. I can see the exhaustion under her smile. Sad, tired, regretful. Loving, smiling, laughing. She keeps it moving. How does she do it?
In cognitive therapy, we talk a lot about skills: coping skills, emotional regulation skills, interpersonal effectiveness skills. But often there is a deeper problem. “What is the point of life anyway?” We are powerless without motivation, no matter how many skills we acquire.
In Man’s Search For Meaning, holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl writes, “Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”
Love and faith sustain Rita. She finds her motivation in her personal “why,” even when food, safety, and connection are scarce. What is your “why” ? How does one discover a “why” ?
Science and the meaning of life
People have asked, “what is the meaning of life,” since the beginning of time. In the last couple of centuries, psychological science has attempted to reframe this question as “what motivates people?” Let’s take a look at the teachings of science.
Psychology’s first wave. Sigmund Freud is often regarded as the father of psychological science. Freud’s psychology looked at mental illness and attempted to explain and cure it. Many of his ideas are so powerful that they are still in use, hundreds of years later. From Freud, we learned that people are motivated in many ways, with a particular focus on drives like aggression and sexuality. Although this psychology has helped to treat many mental illnesses, aggression and sexuality are unable to completely explain human motivation.
Psychology’s second wave. Behaviorism, which was popularized by scientists such as B. F. Skinner, suggested that motivation is related to “conditioning,” the creation of habits through repetitive patterns of stimulus and response. Conditioning is powerful. Traumatic triggers can send us into horrifying flashbacks. Conversely, smelling good food can lift our spirits. Unfortunately, seeking pleasure and avoiding pain can only take us so far. In fact, it can create addictions. And if we are just a system of stimulus and response, where is the meaning in life? Are we robots? What about joy and free will?
Psychology’s third wave. Humanists like Carl Rogers argued that the deepest motivation is to fulfill our human potential. “When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This idea energizes movements like #BodyPositive and #MeToo. When we can see that we are not alone, that other people are struggling alongside us to reach their potential, we can find the courage to seek a better life. Acceptance of our humanity is powerful. But do we say “Ok,” no matter what happens? What about getting inspired and fighting the good fight?
Psychology’s fourth wave. During the hippie era in the 1960s and 70s, people searched for motivation and purpose in art, protest, and spirituality of all kinds. Abraham Maslow and others realized that psychology was too limited. The most “self actualized” people often had a spiritual side that motivated them. Transpersonal psychologists like Maslow realized that lasting motivation comes from a connection to others and to a higher purpose. So, when the going gets tough, spirituality matters.
Spirituality and the meaning of life
Spirituality is very personal. Religion is important for many people, but not for everyone. Spirituality can be focused on beliefs or everyday practices that bring life meaning.
The Dalai Lama is one of the most revered spiritual teachers in the world. One of my favorite stories about the Dalai Lama involves skiing. There are some great moments in this story, including teenage girls knocking over the monks with a ski lift, so feel free to check out the full story. The climax of the story is when a waitress at the ski lodge asks the Dalai Lama, “What is the meaning of life?” He responds, “The meaning of life is happiness.” The bigger challenge, he says, is “What makes true happiness?”
The Dalai Lama is suggesting that our “why” is “happiness.” This may resonate for you, or it may not. But consider the second claim the Dalai Lama is making: true happiness can be “made.” Just as we grow food to fill our stomach, we can grow happiness to nourish our spirit. There is no need to wait for “why.” You can generate happiness now.
Daily nutrients for your spirit
I would like to share two ways of generating happiness that I rely on every day. Neither one requires you to be religious, and there is something here for both introverts and extraverts.
Practice #1: Hygge (pronounced hoo-ga)
By some measures, Denmark is the happiest country on the planet. In The Little Book of Hygge, Meik Wiking describes how Danish people use “hygge” (pronounced hoo-ga) to generate happiness. There is not a perfect translation for “hygge” in English, but some of the themes are “coziness” and “warmth” (both physically and emotionally).
You can generate happiness by following the “Hygge Manifesto” at your next (small) gathering of friends or family. Here are the steps to follow:
1. Atmosphere. Turn down the lights.
2. Presence. Be here now. Turn off the phones.
3. Pleasure. Coffee, chocolate, cookies, cakes, candy. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
4. Equality. ‘We’ over ‘me.’ Share the tasks and the airtime.
5. Gratitude. Take it in. This might be as good as it gets.
6. Harmony. It’s not a competition. We already like you. There is no need to brag.
7. Comfort. Get comfy. Take a break. It’s all about relaxation.
8. Truce. No drama. Let’s discuss politics another day.
9. Togetherness. Build relationships and share narratives. “Do you remember that time we... ?”
10. Shelter. This is your tribe. This is a place of peace and security.
Practice #2: Lovingkindness Meditation
In her book, Lovingkindness, Sharon Salzberg describes an ancient practice for strengthening your happiness muscles. Here is the instruction from Sharon Salzberg on how to practice Lovingkindness in six steps:
1. To begin, take a comfortable seated position and close your eyes.
2. Find phrases you’d like to use to offer good wishes. Taking a few deep breaths, relaxing the body, find phrases that reflect what you wish most deeply for yourself. Very gently repeat them. For example, “may I be free from danger, may I have mental happiness, may I have physical happiness, may I have ease of well-being.”
3. Bring someone to mind who’s been kind to you. Hold an image of that person, or say their name in your mind. Direct loving-kindness toward them, wishing them safety, happiness, and peace using the phrases you created. For example, “may you be free from danger, may you have mental happiness, may you have physical happiness, may you have ease of well-being.”
4. Bring a neutral person to mind, someone in your life who you don’t have a strong sense of liking or disliking for. This could be someone who works with you or someone you interact with in the course of daily life, such as a cashier. Extend the feeling of loving-kindness toward them. Just as we all want to be happy, this person also wants to be happy. “May you be free from danger, may you have mental happiness, may you have physical happiness, may you have ease of well-being.”
5. If it feels workable, bring to mind someone with whom you experience difficulty. This should be someone you are conflicted about, but it does not need to be a very grave difficulty at this point. There’s unease, there’s dislike. Remember that this person, too, just wants to be happy. Out of ignorance, we all make mistakes that create harm or suffering. Causing suffering will inevitably bring suffering upon this person. See if you can direct loving-kindness toward them. Sending loving-kindness does not mean that we approve or condone their actions. We can see clearly the actions that are incorrect or unskillful and still not lose the connection. Calling someone to mind with whom there’s difficulty, repeat the phrases toward them. “May you be free from danger, may you have mental happiness, may you have physical happiness, may you have ease of well-being.”
6. Expand your awareness to all beings, everywhere, without distinction, without exclusion. “May all beings be free from danger, may they have mental happiness, may they have physical happiness, may they have ease of well-being.”
Additional resources:
If you enjoyed this blog post, please consider checking out The Nine Dimensions of Wellness and learn how to Free Yourself From Diet Culture to generate happiness. Wishing you courage and inspiration as we reach the end of 2021.
Adam Anderson is an MSW Candidate and intern at Reset Brain and Body. Reset Brain and Body is an integrative mental health care practice. Our services include individual and couples therapy, and family coaching, yoga therapy, play therapy, art therapy, and group programs and events. If there is anything we can support you with, please connect with us by emailing us visiting us on Facebook, or Instagram, or scheduling a session with one of our therapists.