TGIF: How to Change the World with One Word
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Dear Community,
It’s been an overwhelming few weeks, hasn’t it? There is a lot of pain in the world. I have gotten a number of clients, colleagues, and friends reaching out asking for advice on how to manage these challenging global times. The truth is there is no easy answer, but today I’m going to talk about one way to find good and comfort amidst the pain. And it starts with one little word…
TOOLS
“No is a complete sentence.” - Anne Lamott
GRATITUDE
I have been aching for my kids lately, like a literal ache. Perhaps it’s the media and the few war images that have been scarred in my mind, but I’m finding myself loving on my kiddos extra hard.
But unfortunately, in the last few weeks, in the middle of this global turmoil, I have had more than a normal number of nights away from my kids. And in response, last week my children said to me, “How come you don’t want to be with us?”. Gut punched while at the same time so grateful my kids are at an age where they want to be with me.
When they first said this comment at school pick up, right after taking a trip and then having an immediate event with friends, I explained how play-dates go for adults too and they seemed to be okay with it. No guilt, simple explanation. Mom win.
But tonight the comment from my snuggly, cuddly three-year-old tore me open. Perhaps it’s my extra sensitivity this week, but his question in response to me saying I had an event (book club) was, “How come you don’t want to spend time with your family?”.
And tonight, I decided I had a choice.
While often we do not have a choice, many times we do. And tonight I did. While I enjoy book club, I also have realized some of my intentions to join are out of fear of missing out versus genuine quality time.
Despite feeling guilty for 10 minutes, I said “no” to book club and offered no apologetic text or message (not easy for me). I even rehearsed what I was going to say while I lay next to my son as he fell asleep. And then, I remembered, again, “No is a complete sentence” as I changed my RSVP and brewed some tea.
INNOVATION
I think we feel we do not have a choice when we feel guilt, obligation, and fear. It’s really hard making new adult friendships and for me, I’ve felt the pull to say “yes” to everything in order to not be left out or forgotten.
I still consider myself “new” to my town, having transplanted here from Chicago 5 years ago. It’s hard not to have those historical friendships that are easy and reliable. I miss the closeness of my friendships back home. But did you know that it takes over 200 hours to develop a new close friendship? And ideally, that time is built within 6 months! People, that’s nearly 8 quality hours a week with someone who is not your partner, kid, or parent.
This statistic is to level-set expectations. It takes a lot of time to feel close to someone new. If you’re feeling a tad lonely or forgotten, it’s important to not take it personally. Science simply states that if you’re not putting in the time and effort, you’re not going to get the friendship that you may be craving.
And the thing is if you’re busy saying “yes” to everyone and everything, you’re never going to develop those deep, fulfilling relationships you need.
FEELS
In Viktor Frankl’s book, A Man’s Search for Meaning, the main message is that it is our relationships that create meaning in our lives.
Living in a small town, I feel comforted by the fact that I know a lot of people, but it’s not the same as the quality friendships where you are liberated to be real in their presence. You know the feeling - when you’re with a group of people and you feel relaxed, grounded, and safe.
This Fall, in order to better cultivate the depth of friendships, my family started Sourdough Sundays. The original intention was to bake sourdough bread and host a handful of close friends and their families. After a few failed attempts at the home-grown starter (seriously, it’s so hard), Sourdough Sundays has turned into just a casual Sunday of showing up with friends messy and imperfect. This new tradition has been something everyone in our family looks forward to.
And ultimately, our deepest relationships start at home. Where can we all be in more choice to put down the screens and turn towards each other? Despite our fatigue, can we spend an extra 20 minutes rocking our toddler to bed and reading stories? Can we say no to the social occasions of appearances and instead choose the casual and soul-fulfilling communions? What about skipping that party or soccer game for an unplugged weekend up north with your teens?
Take stock. Choose where to invest your time. Know it matters and will be returned back to you.
In times when we feel despair and grief, the strength of our relationships is everything. We need each other. If you’re not doing it all and being everywhere, you can come home to yourself…and to those who matter most to you.
As Mother Teresa says, “If you want to change the world go home and love your family.”
