10 Ways to Cope with Grief While Social Distancing
There’s nothing easy about losing a loved one, but the current social distancing measures can make the bereavement process feel even more unbearable. It’s hard to escape the grasp of this virus. It has closed our schools, shuttered our businesses, and separated us from friends and family members. The once simple task of grocery shopping has suddenly become an emotionally daunting and dangerous outing. As a country, we are collectively grieving so much right now. We are grieving the loss of our old way of being, the loss of our jobs, the loss of our sense of safety, the loss of travel plans, the loss of graduations, and for many people, the loss of loved ones. We can’t turn on the TV or log in to Facebook without being completely bombarded with images, news stories, and political commentary about what it means for the future of our country. It’s hard not to feel an impending sense of doom. Some of the most terrifying, heart wrenching narratives we are hearing about right now are the ones that involve what coronavirus deaths look like. We see viral posts on social media about coronavirus patients spending their final days alone in a hospital room without any family members there to comfort them or hold their hands. We see posts about multiple members of the same family dying. We read about people dropping off their loved ones at the hospital and watching them walk in alone while wondering if that will be the last time they ever see that person again.
Grieving the death of someone you love under normal circumstances is hard and painful. How do we do it now though, when everything in life feels like it’s been turned upside down? How do we move forward when it feels like our very existence has been put on pause? How do you seek comfort from other human beings when simply being within six feet of another person could mean potentially putting lives at risk? How do you grieve someone you love when you are already grieving the loss of life as you used to know it? These are the questions that many people around the globe are grappling with right now.
As a therapist, I find that many times when people come to therapy to process grief over the loss of a loved one, they want concrete steps they can take to move forward. They come into my office hoping that I can hand them a magic key that will help them to unlock the door that leads back to feeling “normal” again. The truth about loss is that there’s usually no going back to “normal” as it once was, but there is a way forward and a new “normal” that can be found. We’ve all heard about the stages of grief, but they aren’t necessarily a neat, linear process. The journey looks different for everyone, and sometimes it can look a lot more like a bunch of scribbles than a straight line. There’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to grief, and I don’t think there’s anyone who knows exactly the right answer for how to amend this process for social distancing and the other shockwaves radiating from this pandemic. I can, however, offer some recommendations that can be helpful in processing grief, taking care of yourself, and coping with the trauma of loss. The following ten ideas are suggestions only and are not meant to \take the place of a consultation with a licensed doctor or therapist.
1.) Reach out to friends and/or family members daily for support.
This one might seem like a no-brainer, but many of us have a hard time reaching out and asking for help. It can be hard to be vulnerable and to talk about our feelings with others. Sometimes we worry about being a burden to friends and family or we worry that if we show them our pain that they won’t be able to handle it.
This is one of the most difficult aspects of grieving during social distancing because we are unable to have close physical contact with others. Touch is naturally healing to human beings, and the simple act of getting hugs from those who care about us can do a great deal to reassure us and to carry us through hard times. Because of social distancing, many people will be missing out on this crucial aspect of comfort and support, so it is vital that we put forth the effort to connect in other ways. Many people are meeting up with friends and family members on Zoom to chat, play games, or have happy hour.
2.) Limit use of alcohol.
It can be tempting to turn to a few extra glasses of wine to temporarily numb the pain of a major loss, but alcohol tends to make things worse in the long run. Alcohol is a depressant, and while it might feel good for a few hours, many people feel even worse after imbibing. Alcohol can also prevent us from truly processing our feelings, which can mean that they stick around for longer.
3.) Keep a daily journal.
Any of my clients can tell you that I love to assign journaling as “homework,” and there’s a good reason for it! Writing is a great way to really be present in your emotions and it can be incredibly cathartic. You don’t have to be a master writer or poet to benefit from journaling. Some people like to sit down and just freely write about their feelings, and others prefer to use more structured prompts such as these ones. You could even structure your journal entries as letters to your deceased loved one. You can read more about the benefits of writing to heal grief here.
4.) Get at least 8 solid hours of sleep every night.
I hesitated to even include this one because it feels like such generic advice that it almost seems insulting. There’s a reason I decided to include it though. Many experts believe that REM sleep plays a large role in processing memories and emotions. Basically it reprocesses memories in a way that decreases the intensity of negative emotional memories. This is yet another reason to avoid alcohol, especially before bed. Alcohol decreases REM sleep.
5.) Schedule an appointment with a therapist.
While friends and family members can be an amazing source of support, they generally are not experts on the bereavement process, and many people find that talking with a professional therapist each week can really help them to openly process their feelings of grief in a safe, healthy space. A therapist will not be able to give you a magic formula to immediately be cured of your grief, but they will provide you with guidance. Think of a therapist as a guide who can help you to find your own best way forward. The therapists at Reset Brain + Body are experienced in helping people heal emotionally from all types of losses. We are currently offering telehealth sessions, and many of us have expanded our availability to better accommodate clients during this time of crisis.
6.) Be aware of the “should” messages you give yourself.
When it comes to grief, one of the first things clients tend to ask me is whether what they are experiencing is normal. They want to know if they are doing it right. I frequently hear, “I should feel better by now,” “I shouldn’t be angry at the person who died,” or “I should just be grateful for what I have and stop being so negative.” Sometimes we get caught up in what society, our parents, or our friends tell us we are supposed to be. Social media can make these types of “should” messages even worse. While I would never suggest that anyone simply allow themselves to live permanently in a state of negativity, I think it’s important not to invalidate our own pain by believing that we are being “negative” every time we feel sadness, rage, or anxiety. There’s value in allowing ourselves to feel these emotions so that we can move through them instead of shoving them down inside where they tend to linger on for longer than they might have otherwise. Be patient with yourself. You can’t move through the bereavement process overnight. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to have good days. It’s okay if your healing process doesn’t look the same as your sister’s, aunt’s, father’s, or friend’s.
7.) Meditate & practice mindfulness
Meditation can be helpful in healing from loss in a few different ways. Mindfulness meditation can help bring you to the present moment and calm your mind. Self-compassion meditation can help you to be easier on yourself. In his best-selling book, The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a world-renowned psychiatrist and trauma expert, states that mindfulness increases our control over the emotional part of our brain in two ways. It decreases activation of the amygdala, which is the structure in the brain responsible for emotional responses, especially fear, emotional memories, aggression, survival instinct, and triggering the fight or flight response. Mindfulness also increases activation of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for executive function, problem solving, self-control, reasoning, working memory, and organization of behavior.
8.) Educate yourself. Knowledge is power!
Familiarize yourself with the stages of grief and/or the tasks of grieving. Both models are somewhat similar, but it can help normalize your experiences when you have guidelines that tell you what to expect. Another thing to watch for might be signs of complicated grief and factors that put you at a higher risk for experiencing it. Many times when people experience a particularly traumatic loss, multiple losses at once, or have an insecure attachment style, they might be more at risk for experiencing complicated grief. This article from Psychology Today does a nice job of explaining how attachment styles play an important role in the bereavement process. Those with a secure attachment style tend to be better able to adjust and move through grief. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to suppress their feelings and then experience them down the road when triggered by something else or have them come out as physical symptoms. Those with an anxious attachment style tend to experience their negative emotions in the grieving process for longer and with a more overwhelming intensity. Keep in mind that the bereavement process looks different for everyone, and just because you might exhibit some of the signs of complicated grief does not necessarily mean that it’s not part of what’s “normal” for you. When in doubt, it never hurts to schedule an appointment with a therapist.
9.) Attend a grief/loss support group.
Obviously this is something that will also have to be done virtually at this time, but it can still be incredibly helpful. Many people find the emotional support gained from interacting in a support group with others who are also going through the process of bereavement to be incredibly healing. Most grief support groups are very low cost or even free. You can find one in your area by searching on Psychology Today.
10.) Find ways to honor the memory of your deceased loved one.
Finding ways to honor the memory of a deceased loved one can be a powerful way to continue to feel close to them while moving forward with your life. The way you choose to do this should be something that feels right to you, and the options are limitless. It can be anything from creating a slideshow of photos with their favorite song playing in the background to holding a candlelit vigil on Zoom. You could make a scrapbook of their life or make their favorite meal.
Social distancing due to the coronavirus has severely altered the way that funerals are being held now, and for many people, not getting the chance to participate in the funeral ritual in-person with friends and family leaves them without a certain sense of closure and comfort. I believe that makes this last suggestion especially important during this pandemic.
Written by Jessica Payne, MA, LLPC, CCTP.
Jessica is a limited licensed professional counselor and a certified clinical trauma professional at reset brain + body. reset brain + body is a mental wellness practice where traditional talk therapy is elevated through the integration of meditation, art, play, nutrition, yoga and mindfulness. Connect with reset brain + body on Instagram & Facebook.