Changing the Game
Hi community. I’m happy to be back home and connected back to you. I’m really excited to share this week’s TGIF with you because as summer wraps up and the school year approaches I think the more prepared we are, the better, for whatever may come.
TOOLS
I have a question I want you all to start asking. It’s a question that I think you may have been asking already. Nothing Earth shattering. Simple tool.
How are you?
But, how often do we really look at someone and ask them, “how are you?” and really listen?
I notice so often that when I breathe, pause, look someone in the eyes, and connect on a deeper level and then ask the question, I am prepared for whatever their answer is. And the thing is, they know I am. They feel the openness, they feel me reaching out and they feel safe to share the truth.
It’s just one question that can save your relationships and save people.
How are you?
GRATITUDE
So next month Cole starts Small Ball and he’s stoked. He’s asking to practice daily and gives me this scrunched up concentration face that brings me so much joy. I love watching him play, learn and get curious about sports. I love him trying to change his stance, watch for good pitches and swing the bat just right.
Somewhere along the line though, we lose the joy of just observing play.
Play is essential. Yet the pressure to perform ends up taking away from the playfulness somewhere as kids get older and expectations arise. Kids and then grown adults end up quitting activities, turning inwards and avoiding environments where they are subject to the external pressure. It’s self-preservation.
Have you all met Blaise? He’s our resident Sports Psychologist and is amazing. He wrote an article about Why Kids Turn to Video Games instead of sports and it’s a worthy read.
INNOVATION
There are key phrases beyond “How are you” that have shaped how I respond to my kids.
“I can’t have you…” is the #1 way in which I redirect my kid’s unsafe/undesired behavior (also, this video may help you with your strong-willed child!!)
“Please make a ____ choice” is another empowering way I help my child direct their behavior
“I love watching you….” is a way to celebrate good behavior and encourage positive feelings without attachment to an outcome - how innovative!
When we focus on the process versus the outcome we allow for others to define how they feel about their actions, we open them up to feeling confident, competent and empowered. We also allow them to feel safe to share vulnerabilities without judgment because they are not worried about not measuring up to expectations.
Let me put this into an example:
I had a client who was recovering from substance abuse. She was a former child athlete and very competitive. She loved to play but would dread the car ride home from tournaments. She shared that some her earliest memories of self-hatred and fear came from those car rides when she was given a play-by-play by her parents of how she could have done better, what she could have done better, why she didn’t do better. She lost the play, the joy and her confidence. Her actions then became all about performing and pleasing. She lost herself.
FEELS
I read a meme the other day that said, “the sign of a person who has done the work is responding to a long, triggering text message with just a simple ‘ok’”. I agree. It takes strength to disengage.
Saying less is actually doing more for you and those around you.
Really listen when you ask how someone is.
Instead of giving feedback just being in the joy of watching someone in play.
If this newsletter doesn’t convince you, think of Simone Biles, who showed the world that no one is immune from the pressures to perform. So, let’s not contribute any more to it at home, at our local baseball fields or school playgrounds.
Let’s pay attention to feelings. That outcome is probably better than any trophy.
