Coping with Transitions
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Hi, community:
I was recently in a group where they polled Michiganders which is their favorite season. Not surprisingly, 85% of respondents concluded: Fall.
It’s gorgeous outside, but anyone else dealing with a nasty cold? Although Fall is for so many Midwesterners, their favorite season, it’s also flu season.
Oh, the duality of life. We give and we take. We have highs and lows.
Transitions bring this fluidity into more focus: change of seasons, adding a new child or puppy to your family, a new home, relationship changes, the school schedule, or the start of a new job.
So today, let’s talk about how we manage transitions with more ease.
TOOLS
I think a lot of people already know this statistic, but let’s talk about it anyhow. What, traditionally, are the top five most stressful times in someone’s life?
Death of a loved one.
Divorce.
Moving.
Major illness or injury.
Job loss.
I have a lot of clients right now who call themselves the “sandwich” generation - old enough to care for ailing parents while still very much in the throes of caring for young children. A lot of older millennials find themselves in this situation. Stressful for sure.
The “ending” of the pandemic also brought us big changes with many people transitioning jobs or job environments, starting back in-person school, coping with health concerns and fears, and relationships uncovering new trouble zones after years of being home-bound together.
Okay, so I do not need to go any further into why we may be feeling stressed but I do just want to validate that there have been some heavy transitions for every person in our community. Even if you don’t recall one of the “top 5”, just simply navigating through the last 3 years has been adjusting to what feels like never-ending transitions.
One of the tools I’ve learned is that in order to feel more flexible with these transitions, I must look at each season (or quarter for business folx) as a stand-alone experience. If I plan my life incrementally, I’m less affected by the natural shifts that come every few months.
The worst thing we can do for ourselves is to expect stability.
GRATITUDE
I remember in my 20s feeling a constant sense of uncertainty. Back then, I didn’t have the tools to understand how to embrace this and accept it. Instead, I kept feeling something was wrong with me.
I would tell my boyfriend at the time - you’re my constant - because everything else was in flux. When that relationship ended and I felt I had no solid ground, I had to learn how to create that stability within myself.
It was when I gratefully found yoga and the practice of meditation that I did start to feel into the idea of equanimity. I distinctly remember the moment in a class when that word came into my essence. I felt my entire body soften and my mind settle.
I would tell myself, “okay, I understand, I create my calm, in spite of the chaos around me”.
For me, it was my yoga practice that helped me navigate the never-ending transitions and life fluxes. If yoga isn’t for you, there are more ways to develop inner calm!
INNOVATION
In every life season, we must embrace the inevitable changes. We must accept that nothing is permanent. We must stay flexible and non-attached to certainty. Mental agility training can be done through meditation, yoga, coaching, and other mindfulness-based methods.
And there are people to help.
There was a time in my life when I felt threatened by the field of life coaches. While I do believe that you must find someone with trained, professional experience backed by a reputable educational background, I think it’s amazing when more people enter the caregiver industry.
Of course, be wary of coaches who project their personal experiences onto you. Be wary when they do not have their own stuff worked through. But that’s with all providers. You want someone who walks the walk - who practices what they preach and you see the work they do for themselves.
And in some transitions, we don’t always need a full-blown therapy relationship. Maybe we actually need someone like a wellness or life coach who helps us step by step to practice new skills, hold ourselves accountable and get us to that internal state of stability.
Obviously, I love therapy. It’s wonderful and I think everyone can benefit. However, therapy is also about digging deep and getting to the root causes. A lot of people either are not ready for that type of introspective commitment. A lot of people want to tackle a specific challenge that is in this season of life and get help overcoming it.
That’s where coaches come in. At Reset, we have a growing team of professional coaches. We’re excited about this offering because it presents an accessible, lighter approach to navigating challenges, especially if you feel you just want help for this season. Look into working with Raye, Anna, or for sports-related challenges, Blaise and Jonah.
The mental health care field is feeling a strain right now and so many people need help. However, not all help requires a medical diagnosis and the use of insurance. Identifying when a coach may be more appropriate to your needs is an important way to lessen the strain on the medical model and empower individuals to still get help in an expedited way.
FEELS
The Buddha teaches the concept of The Middle Way. I’m oversimplifying it right now, but essentially is the practice of non-extremes. When going through life challenges (like transitions), we often want to attach, control and/or avoid, numb out and disassociate.
Like we teach with the Shame Triangle, stressors can bring up life patterns that push us to extreme behaviors. Much of the practice of navigating external changes is to find our own middle way - our own centering that allows for an easeful experience through distressing times.
And so, how do we practice equanimity in a difficult situation?
Identify your calming techniques and start practicing them, when you’re not in a stressful state. Cultivating a practice of breathwork, mindfulness, movement, or meditation on a daily basis can help train your brain to respond to difficult situations with more intentionality and restraint. These are the tools that consistently pull you back into your centered self.
Accept the season you’re in. Mantras help with this, and one like “this too shall pass” is a beautiful way to accept this moment as it is. What we resist, persists, so the more gentle approach to a difficult situation is to take it as it is, in spite of how challenging it is.
Trust the good. The idea is that we trust in a friendly, loving, and good Universe that supports us. Yes, things may be especially hard, but when we remember that we are not alone, we can soften a bit and trust it’ll all be okay. If you have a spiritual practice, lean into it.
Notice your extremes. When we’re under stress, it’s hard to be aware and yet it’s vitally important to check those default mode reactions and find a different approach. Work with a coach or counselor to identify your extreme behaviors so that we can acknowledge these harmful habits, disengage, and then choose a more mindful response.
Take it moment by moment. We can never know what’s around the corner and there is beauty in that. I often remind myself, “What if it is better that I can even imagine?” versus anticipating the worst. But ultimately, working to stay present in the day-to-day, riding the waves of emotions, embracing discomfort, and practicing resilience - that’s where we really find our equanimity.
