Empty Nest Syndrome: Parenting Emerging Adults
I miss french toast.
No, not the food. I could probably have that any time I’d like. I’m an adult, and I know how to cook, at least passably, and if it were just a craving for breakfast food I were feeling, I could satisfy that fairly easily. What I miss is more than just the food. It’s what french toast has symbolized in my household since my now emerging adult sons were in kindergarten.
The whole time my two youngest sons were in school, when there was a snow day, I made them french toast for breakfast. It was always a special occasion, a celebration, and as such, it was marked with specific traditions. I’d make the french toast, sometimes regular, sometimes I’d have a burst of creativity and stuff it with Nutella, or peanut butter and bananas, or top it with homemade blueberry sauce. Then I’d serve it to the boys, at our dining room table, and I’d have to snap a picture before they could dig in, because social media was a thing, and if I was going to put that effort into breakfast I was certainly going to accept my “You’re such a great mom!” accolades for it.
Then my older son went off to his first year of college, and his younger brother didn’t want to do french toast days without him, because it just didn’t feel right to him. I felt that in my heart. I realized this was one of those moments of motherhood that was now over. Just like the other milestones we leave behind, french toast snow days were gone.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my sons, and I’m forever proud and fascinated by the men they’re becoming, but I miss my little boys, and I recognize that next fall, when my last child goes off on his own grand college adventure, his won’t be the only life changing. I’m going to be doing something I haven’t been since my daughter was born 30 years ago, I’ll be living without any of my children.
Change in Two Parts
As I contemplate these coming changes to my life, I recognize there are two parts. The first is how parenting young adults differs from parenting children and teens. I’ve had some experience with this part. As a mother of four, I already know what it feels like to have two of my kids on their own. My afore-mentioned 30 year old daughter, who is now a mother to 5 herself, and my oldest, 28 year old son, who has recently started his own family also, have given me a glimpse of parenting adults, and have shown me how much fun it is to be a grandma too. I have to admit though, this time it feels different. My younger sons have, thanks to a 10 year age gap between my older kids and them, always been referred to in our family as “the little boys” and though that hasn’t been the case for several years now, they’re still my babies. The kids that kept me young, the ones who made it easier for me to accept the adulthood of their older siblings. This time feels more real. My babies are men, and as such, my relationship with them, and my role in their lives, needs to adjust accordingly.
The second part is trickier, in some ways. It’s not about them, it’s about me. Who am I, if being someone’s mom isn’t a huge part of my identity anymore? I mean, of course I’ll still be their mom, but it’ll be a different job now. It’ll be the part-time job I do through Facetime and phone calls, and weekend visits home. It’ll leave me with a lot of time to just be me, and I’m not entirely sure who that is anymore.
Changing Roles
So let’s talk about that first part a little more. How do we parent people who aren’t children anymore, but who still aren’t quite full-fledged adults? Well, I think the first key is to let them be whoever they are. I know that as parents, we all have pictures in our head of who our children will grow up to be. Sometimes that picture works out, but most of the time, our kids do this pesky thing they like to call “living their own lives.” I know, I know, it’s really annoying, and if they’d just listen to you, their parent, the one with all the experience, it would be so much easier, and so much better for them.
Let me ask you something: Do you remember when you were a young adult? Did your parents do this to you? Did you want and appreciate it? Yep, that’s exactly how your kid feels now. How about we change things up. Let’s try some new ideas for dealing with your emerging adult child, that may not feel great to you, to begin with, but I can guarantee your kid will appreciate them, and in the long run, they’ll help build a healthier, happier relationship with them.
Listen more, talk less, and only give advice when you’re absolutely sure they want it. The urge to give advice is a powerful one for a parent. We know where they are, because we’ve probably been there. But here’s the thing, if we let them find their own way, they’ll remember the path. If we try to make their decisions for them, how will they know how to do it themselves? Besides, it’s their life, so the way they live it, is up to them.
Believe in them. Even if, especially if, they’re having trouble believing in themselves. Here’s where we get to really shine as parents. We get to be their biggest cheerleaders! When your young adult doubts themselves, who is going to remind them that they can do anything they set their mind to? Well, you are of course! You get to be the one to have their back, and encourage them, and help them keep going when the going gets tough. Being a brand-new adult is hard. There are always going to be tough professors, and bosses, opportunities lost, and heartbreaks. Who is going to be the constant that reminds them that setbacks are temporary and there are better things meant for them? That’s your job, and I’m betting you’ll love it.
Boundaries, respect theirs and draw yours. I don’t think this one needs a lot of explanation. They’re adults, they have boundaries, and you need to respect them. There are going to be parts of their lives that you have no business in, unless specifically invited and vice versa. Just because they’re your kids, doesn’t mean they get a say in everything you do.
Enjoy them. Remember when they were little and you couldn’t be their friend because you had to be the one making the rules and enforcing them? Well here’s your pay-off! You get to be their friend now, so go ahead and treat them like a friend you love and respect. Appreciate their unique views on life, and their ideas. Then quietly, maybe on the drive home, give yourself a little pat on the back, because that really cool person you just spent an hour chatting with over lunch? You helped create that. Good job.
Welcome To the Empty Nest
So now let’s talk about you. Here you are, parenting your emerging adult like the rock star you are, but what happens when you get home? Or when they go back to school after an awesome weekend visit? What do you do with yourself? For the record, I’m going to leave all the fun “get reacquainted with your partner as lovers” advice for someone else’s blog post, because, as important as that is, I think we can find a hundred articles that help you with that, but very few that talk about the rest of your days and weeks.
I’d like to start by acknowledging that “Empty Nest Syndrome” is a real thing. It may not be a diagnosis in the DSM-5, but the feelings of loss and grief that go along with the end of full-time parenting can be real, and painful. Please remember that there is no shame in admitting you’re struggling, and no awards for trying to do it on your own. If you are having trouble coping, reach out. I used the word “grief” for a reason, you’re in mourning for the life you’ve had for at least 18 years, and that’s a valid feeling. If you feel like you need to talk to someone (like one of our Reset Brain and Body clinicians) about it, it’s okay, and you should.
(It’s also worth noting, that in a lot of cases, for moms, that empty nest hits around the same time as another rite of passage: menopause. So along with the flood of emotions, and changes of having your last baby leave the house, you may also be going through some changes of your own, and again, if you need help, it’s okay to reach out for it.)
On the flipside of that, we should also acknowledge that a lot of parents have no trouble enjoying their newly empty nest, and don’t feel that sense of grief, or mourn their lost former life. And you know what? That’s absolutely fine too! Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for enjoying something you’ve been looking forward to since you brought that baby home from the hospital. Being happy to have completed the task of raising children to adulthood is your right!
So what to do with all that empty nester free time? Well, far be it for me to tell anyone what to do, but I would like to make a few suggestions.
First of all, how about catching up on a little sleep? Parenting is EXHAUSTING! From waking up a million times because the baby cries, to waiting up for the last little chick to come back to the nest after evenings out, we always seem to be giving up our sleep for our families, right? So now is your opportunity to play a little catch up. Go to bed early, or don’t set an alarm on the weekends (because, I mean, there’s no game or practice to take anyone to anymore) and get some good rest.
Secondly, you remember all those things you said you’d do “someday”? Well, guess what? Someday is here. Do you want to join an evening book club? Meet friends for drinks after work (without having to worry about who’s making what for dinner)? Learn a new instrument or language? Volunteer for that organization on the weekends? Now you can. After spending so much time on the activities your kids were in, now you get to decide what activities appeal to you, and are worth your time. And you know what? I hereby give you permission to do nothing, if that sounds more appealing. Go home, read a book, spend an entire Saturday in bed, do what makes YOU feel good. Now is the time you get to do whatever it was that you dreamed about doing while you were spending all day at those endless lessons and practices, and you get to decide what will make your little heart sing.
One last thing, and as a parent to adult kids, trust me when I tell you this one is important. Make a plan for communication with your little bird who is flying solo now. It will save your sanity, I promise. Set up a time for them to call you, you to call them, or Facetime if that works better for both of you. With a regular communication schedule (with allowances for emergencies of course) you won’t feel shut out, and they won’t feel overwhelmed by over-communication.
When my son left for college, he started out calling me every night, and at first, it worked for both of us. I needed the reassurance that he was okay, and he needed to touch base with the familiar, when everything around him was new. It didn’t take long, however, before we both ran out of things to say every single day, and that became a problem. I didn’t want to tell him to call less, because I didn’t want to send the message that I didn’t want to talk to him, and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings or worry me, by cutting back. Finally, I told him as much as I love him, it was okay if he wanted to call a couple times a week, and I could hear the relief in his voice. Now we have a pretty casual communication schedule, and we do text here and there through the week too. The most important part of a communication schedule is that it works for everyone involved.
So there you are, some things to keep in mind as your emerging adult child heads out into the world. I hope it helps you. Parent to parent, I can’t tell you what the world will hold for your kids, or where their journey will take them, but I can tell you this; you’ve done your job. You’ve raised that adorable bundle you brought home from the hospital into the best adult you could have, and what you’ve taught them through the years will help them, you can rest in that knowledge. They’ll be fine.
And so will you.
Irene Sahs Ivanac is a MSW Candidate and intern at Reset Brain and Body. She is also a licensed massage therapist. Reset Brain and Body is an integrative mental health care practice. Our services include individual and couples therapy, family coaching, yoga therapy, play therapy, art therapy, and group programs and events. If there is anything we can support you with, please connect with us by emailing us visiting us on Facebook, or Instagram, or scheduling a session with one of our therapists.