How to Find Your Life’s Purpose
Lately, a question has been coming up often in therapy sessions with my clients: “What is the point?”
This question applies directly to therapy—what is the point of us doing this?—but even more so, it’s asked about the bigger picture of their lives. This question of purpose feels especially relevant in these times of relentless turbulence.
When my clients ask this, I often see them looking to me for a clear, singular solution— something tangible, within their control, and, if we’re honest, something that doesn’t require internal work. We tend to seek external answers for deeply internal dilemmas. And what exactly is it within us that looks to external solutions? The ego.
What is the ego?
You’ve likely heard the word “ego” before—in countless ways. Many of you might be familiar with the “Shame Triangle” or Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work. These frameworks help build awareness around the core beliefs that shape how we present ourselves to the world and how we cope with the stress of masking our “true selves.” But for this piece, I want to go beyond concepts and invite you to open your mind to a deeper understanding of the ego.
What is the ego? What does it want? How does it get what it wants? What happens once it has it? And how long does it last?
Ego seeks purpose. Ego seeks survival. Ego is what makes each of us human—the force that primes us for survival and convinces us we are separate from one another, separate from something greater than ourselves. It’s always hungry and never satisfied. Buddhist and Chinese religious traditions refer to it as the “hungry ghost.” Ego is the very thing we must overcome to truly know ourselves—what we really are—and to understand what “purpose” truly means.
What does it mean to know yourself?
“Knowing yourself as what you truly are.” That sounds vague, I know. I can almost hear some clients lovingly rolling their eyes, asking, “Okay, but what does that even mean?” Honestly, there are days I don’t know either. It’s often less a concept to describe and more a way of being —something felt, an inner knowing.
Sometimes it helps to start with what you’re not. You’re not your job, your kids, your relationship, your titles, or your bank account. Why? Because you existed before those things— and all of them are temporary. Careers begin and end. Money comes and goes. Kids grow up and leave. Relationships last, and sometimes they don’t.
These things bring richness to life—joy, pain, growth, grief. But at the end of it all, those things are gone. So, then what are you?
Most of our lives are spent clinging to these things, wanting more of them, or trying to get rid of what we don’t want. And who’s at the wheel of all of this? The ego—always hungry, always seeking, never satisfied. How exhausting, truly.
I invite you to contemplate what leads you each day. When you wake up in the morning, what’s steering your day? Do you even pause to ask yourself? If you do, you’ll likely find a long to-do list, an underlying sense of urgency, anxiety, fear, anger, irritation, a desire to do more, a desire to avoid or escape, or even a pull toward apathy. Even our routines—workouts, music, podcasts, wellness activities—can be driven by ego. When not guided by who you truly are, the ego may be leading you toward these activities, pushing you to over-optimize under the guise of “wellness.”
How to Find Your Purpose & Actually Listen to Yourself
What if purpose was about letting go—letting go of the things that keep us attached to “our life”? Practically, what does this mean? It means starting to notice what’s leading you each day, in each moment, and pausing to listen for the whisper of your true self. Then comes the harder part— having the courage to actually listen.
This takes courage because it often goes against what the ego wants. Sometimes it means doing the thing that doesn’t “make sense.” The thing that creates discomfort. And in a world (and within an ego) that does everything possible to seek pleasure and avoid discomfort, this is challenging. But discomfort can be seen as a toll booth to aliveness—and I believe aliveness is something deep down we’re all craving in a world pushing us toward numbness.
Am I digressing? Let’s bring it back to purpose. What if our purpose isn’t to look to the world to “make a life,” but instead to lose it? This idea is echoed across spiritual traditions:
• Jesus (or Yeshua) said, “Whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life will find it.”
• Prophet Muhammad said, “Die before you die.”
• Ramana Maharshi taught, “Realization is not acquisition of anything new, but a simple removal of the ignorance that covers your true knowledge.”
• Lao Tzu said, “He who defines himself can’t know who he really is.”
Lose Your Ego, Make Space for Peace and Purpose
To find purpose, we must lose the “self” we know as ego. Get to know your ego. Hear what it’s telling you. See through its falsehoods and insatiability. To do this, we need to slow down, learn its behaviors, and listen for the whisper of the true self that never ceases.
This can start in small ways. For example, this morning, my ego pulled me toward my phone—a distraction it didn’t want to stop. But in noticing that pull, I found a choice: feed the ego or listen to the whisper telling me to put the phone down and spend a few moments in silence. I’ve started to listen quietly enough to recognize when my desire to listen to rap music is actually my ego feeling fragile or threatened, looking to bolster itself.
If we can start tuning into these whispers in small moments such as the above examples, we build the courage and discipline needed to listen during the times when our ego is kicking and screaming—terrified of losing itself. It is in these moments that life often presents us with difficult, sometimes life-altering decisions. And by choosing to let the ego die and having the courage to listen to our true self, we discover where our real purpose lies and that on the other side of fear, of “death,” is eternal and lasting peace.
Mindfulness-Based Therapies: A Starting Point for Slowing Down
If you find yourself struggling to slow down and listen to your inner self, you might find value in mindfulness-based therapies. These unique approaches offer support and practical tools for coping with the busy-ness and chaos of the day-to-day.
Consider speaking with a trusted therapist to begin some of the inner work of getting to truly know yourself - when the ego and everything else is stripped away. In those moments, you just might discover your sense of purpose, and in doing so, also find your peace.