TGIF | From Control to Freedom: Finding Light Through Depression's Fog
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Good morning, friend,
A friend said something to me today that shook me. Recently, I've been struggling with my anxiety. It comes in waves, but lately it's been louder. I have a hundred reasons why, that I can intellectually pinpoint to explain it away, yet it persists.
I've noticed this pattern repeats itself - whether it's anxiety, grief, humiliation, pain, sadness, fear - what we resist persists. And sometimes, when we resist long enough, anxiety's restless energy transforms into depression's heavy stillness. Two sides of the same coin, really - both trying to protect us by either racing ahead to anticipate dangers or shutting down to conserve energy when it all becomes too much.
It's funny. I actively choose discomfort so many times in my life. Running a business is like being on one long uncomfortable roller coaster and yet I resist the pain that accompanies the discomfort. I want control. I want certainty. I want security. I want to be in charge of producing a positive, successful, everyone-is-happy outcome.
I want to avoid the pain of potentially making a mistake, disappointing people, or embarrassing myself, so I create this illusion that if I just do more, then it will all go right. Before I tell you what my friend said, I'll share a quote that always reminds me to laugh when I catch myself in these loops:
"I want to talk to you about the subject of plans… life plans and how we all make them, and how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own. But if we're really honest with ourselves, most of our plans don't work out as we'd hoped. So instead of asking our young people, 'What are your plans? What do you plan to do with your life?', maybe we should tell them this: Plan… to be surprised." - Dan in Real Life
Truths That Both Heal and Hurt
Phil Stutz is a psychiatrist who's gained quite a following online. A writer I adore co-authored a book with him as a tangible resource for Stutz's innovative directions. One of my favorite things Stutz has shared is that there are three unavoidable truths of being human that we must learn to accept: uncertainty, hard work, and pain.
Just let that simmer for a moment.
This takes me back to my postpartum depression. I resisted it so fiercely because I felt I should be happy and grateful for my beautiful baby. I became incredibly rigid, trying to control everything when inside I was crumbling. There I was, face-to-face with all three truths at once: the complete uncertainty of caring for a new life, the relentless hard work of motherhood, and the pain of losing my independence. The more I fought against these realities, the deeper the depression pulled me under.
How often do you avoid uncertainty? I know I do. In times of vulnerability, I'll grasp for the illusion of certainty. I'm known for rewriting our website copy anytime I'm nervous about the health of Reset. Or planning the next trip while I'm on my current vacation because I want to be certain that we'll have another thing to look forward to soon. I'm sure you have your own examples of this.
What about hard work? Last summer I had a total tantrum and decided that as a business owner I should not have to wake up at 5am to workout and meditate. I can create my own schedule, damnit, so I should be able to sleep in and do what I want. Well, all that led to was more stress, less productivity and guilt.
Oh, and pain…pain of failure, pain of disappointment, pain of regret, pain of shame, pain of aging, pain of uncertainty, and hard work. Maybe we can out-run the pain, smush it down, numb from it, absolve it, obsess over it. I've tried. It never works.
From Fog to Clarity: Finding What Was Always There
A couple of weeks ago, I went to a workshop where we got to somatically dance, meditate with sounds of nature, and connect with our inner wisdom. It was “out-there”, deeply healing, and wonderful. We all pulled Tarot cards, contemplated our intentions, and then, at the end, our guide shared messages she received for each of us.
As I mentioned, I struggle with my anxiety, so it was profound when the instructor looked at me and said, "You already have everything you need and want in your orbit, you must let go of illusions".
In my body, I knew I needed to hear this. But I struggled to understand which illusions—there are so many! And I was probably reluctant to be honest with myself about some of my behaviors.
This week, in my EMDR training, I was able to process this again, and it hit me: of course, the illusion of control. What an illusion it is that I believe if I control situations, actions, and experiences and aim for perfection, then I can avoid pain, uncertainty, and hard work. Hmph.
Finding True Security
I did some tapping and processing further, feeling into my body when I shifted to truth, accountability, and integrity. My core tightened, my posture lifted, and I felt stable and strong. I noticed, when I let go of control, I remember to trust myself - my current and future self. When I let go of forcing and chasing, I remember that I've already overcome pain, uncertainty, hard work and still been okay.
When I remember this truth, I realize I've consistently chosen vulnerability and discomfort, and while sometimes painful, definitely hard, and uncertain of the outcome, it's all been pretty much okay.
And then something magical happens: I am proud of myself. I like myself. I respect myself. I believe in my integrity, accountability, and responsibility, and trust myself. I can do the next best thing and trust it'll be enough. I can be present and feel that I do have everything I need at this moment, trusting that whatever comes next will be okay.
This isn't ego or superiority, which I am always afraid I'll fall into, but instead, quiet confidence.
As my friend Heather Clark said, "True confidence is humble because it is secure." Ah, yes.
Security. It is a knowing, a belief, a remembering that I've been here before, and it's been okay. It is a remembering that being human means embracing and accepting that hard work, uncertainty, and pain are inevitable, and yet we continue, we persist, we stay present, and we can love it all.
Yes, love it all. My friend, when we forget these are the three truths of life and resist what is, we miss out on the opportunities for gratitude, resilience, and joy. We miss out on connection, celebration, and bigger love.
If we keep avoiding pain, uncertainty, and hard work, we will also prevent feeling the good things.
I think back to that new mom version of me, desperate to do everything right and be in control. When I finally began to accept that motherhood would be uncertain, that it would be the hardest work I'd ever done, and that yes, there would be pain in letting go of my former self – that's when the fog started to lift. That's when I could begin to see moments of joy breaking through. Not because the depression magically vanished, but because I stopped fighting so hard against what was real.
The Gift of Surprise
Life is hard. Life is totally uncertain. Life is painful.
And yet. It's also so beautiful. So tender. It's so jaw-dropping.
It surprises us. Let life surprise you.
Tonight my kids and I watched Bluey and ended on the episode, Born Yesterday. I couldn't have planned a better bookend for my week—I plan to be surprised. There's wonder in each moment - what a gift to be alive.
Big hug. Look up and enjoy a big breath. I love you - you're amazing. We're all doing this thing together and figuring it out. Thanks for being here.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
Female friends - are you feeling more ragey, anxious, and depressed? So many of my peers are experiencing early or new signs of perimenopause, and it’s not fun. However, I have a bunch of people who’ve had great success and support with Midi Health to balance hormones. Quick, easy appointments and I’ve heard they take insurance. #notsponsored, just a genuine advocate for accessible women’s health.
Gratitude
I’m supremely grateful for all my teachers. The most important ones have always started out as the most difficult. Wayne Dyer says that difficult people are our teachers—yet another example of embracing pain and learning through it.
Innovation
Women postpartum now have a drug to help alleviate the symptoms and experience of severe postpartum depression. As one client said, “it’s a wonder-drug”, and countless others have shared how it saved their lives. Despite the side effects, as one doctor has shared, “Moms have to know that deciding to treat their postpartum depression with medication is really the best option, not just for them, but for their baby,” Dr Dalthorp said. “They’re not putting their baby at risk by prioritizing their mental health. Risk for baby comes from not treating mental illness.” As someone who’s been there - I couldn’t agree more.
Feels
Honestly, I think the worst thing about depression and anxiety is when you feel alone in it. Someone told me the other day, as I was processing my feels, “avoidance of pain - yep, we’ve all been there and all probably are still there”. Someone validating your experience is a HUGE step in getting well. Friends, you’re never alone. Encourage others to ask for help. It’s a strength, not a weakness. Pinky promise.