How Do I Find My True Self?
This article is part of our weekly TGIF newsletter series. To get these in your inbox weekly, sign up below:
Dear Community,
Do you know who you are?
Do you know who you are in the absence of your worries, fears, and the stories you tell yourself?
For me, it’s a remembering, unlayering and an ongoing process of returning back to my true self.
TOOLS
One of my favorite tools for understanding myself is through what we have dubbed The Shame Triangle. In this model, we start to understand our basic fears and shames, identified by early imprinted beliefs about ourselves, the world, and how we relate to the world. Our most early beliefs are shaped by our experiences - the things that have happened to us, by us, for us, and around us.
Then, because we are all driven by an egoic need to survive and be well received by others to ascertain our survival, we act out of a need to protect ourselves. Protecting ourselves means that we are hiding our fears and shames usually by overcompensating for them. For example, if we have a fear of not being enough, we’ll engage in perfectionism behavior. If we have a shame story of not being loveable, we’ll be a people pleaser and sacrifice our own needs to receive love from others.
While sometimes simplistic, this is an incredibly valid way of understanding ourselves, our habits, and our motivations. It also helps us understand the behaviors that are not actually our truth, but instead rooted in stories.
GRATITUDE
As my therapist pointed out to me this week when I am untethered from my true, centered self…I have a predictable pattern of behavior.
I become rigid. I obsess over little things. I overthink interactions. I become strict with my schedule, eating habits, and rituals. I worry about disappointing other people, making me irritable and defensive. I over plan, future trip, try to control every uncertainty, attempt to mitigate hypothetical future pain, and manage the outcomes. I want to figure out the best and how to achieve it.
I get exhausted. I escape. I give in to impulses. I relax all rules, become careless, and restless. I try to find an out - through travel, wanderlusting, searching for something better, consumption, materialism. I become snobby and critical. I’m “over it all”.
Then, when I’ve completely burned myself out from this 1-2 behavior pull, I drop back into shame, self-judgment, and mistrust of myself. If I fail to gain observational awareness of this pattern, I’ll just repeat it all over again.
But there is a 4th way. The 4th way is the understanding that this is a predictable pattern. I know AND keep discovering my fear and shame stories. Each one I get curious about, enlightens me to another behavior of mine trying to shield me from feeling it. In the awareness, I can observe my patterns with compassion and drop into a more centered self.
And as always, when I am most centered, I am most grateful.
Our Teen Girls Group started!
If you missed this one, pay attention to the next round starting later this month!
INNOVATION
So how do we actually put this into practice?
1. I find the best way to move into my true, authentic self is by way of being nice to myself. When I’m snapping at my kids, crying into my coffee, thoughts spiraling in the shower about what I did or said, or feeling the tension rising in my body… I try to take a deep breath and say “Okay, what’s really going on here?” I try not to judge myself for my behaviors and instead understand what need, needs to be met.
2. If I can understand the need: alone time, a break, more sleep, assistance, grace, social interaction, validation, support, confidence, play, rest, quiet, food….I can usually then forgive my behavior and offer myself compassion. I do not beat myself up over what I’ve been doing. I can then say, “Okay, let’s try to get that need met. What’s the next best thing I can do?”
3. So then I try to meet that need. It can be super simple. It usually is. I need to get outside. I need to lay down. I need to take a few breaths. I need to go to sleep. I need to call a friend. I need to scream in my car. I need to cry. I need a therapy session. I need to close my eyes and think of something good. Whatever it is, I accept the need existing and do not judge myself for my needs.
4. After the need is met, I find myself operating like the version of myself that is clear-headed, confident, calm, nice, pleasant to be around, intentional and happy. It’s a welcoming back. A reset back to my true self.
FEELS
Now, there can be entire chapters of our lives that we live without knowing or welcoming ourselves back to our true selves. In fact, many of us have no idea who that person is. “WHERE IS SHE/HE?!?!?” we proclaim, frantic and worried we’re a failure for never knowing this version of ourselves.
Fear not. It’s there. I promise.
But rather than searching, allowing yourself to feel into it.
How do you feel when you are enjoying something you love? Watching your favorite movie, laughing uninhibited, singing in the car, taking a bite of delicious food, or being creative at all?
How do you feel when you’re playing, engaging in intimacy, viewing a sunset - really present?
How do you feel when you practice the Appreciation Game and spend 90 seconds listing off all the things that are wonderfully good in your life?
I know it’s fleeting. But those moments are when you are showing up as your true self. When the noise is turned off, the stories are quieted and you are experiencing a moment of peace.
It’s also a matter of understanding when you are not in your true self. The more awareness you gain of your reactive behaviors based on a root fear or shame, the more you’ll be able to understand what you are genuinely, not.
Hang in there. You’re not alone in this.
Hugs.
