How to NOT Traumatize
It feels like the pandemic finally woke the world up to the fact that trauma is not a dirty, shameful kept secret but actually ubiquitous in the human experience.
We’ve all been traumatized. Big events and chronic behaviors inflicted on us cause trauma… but I want to clarify a bit more about how trauma actually gets cemented in our systems and what we can do about it.
TOOLS
Last week I had the privilege of speaking at Children’s Garden Montessori to a group of compassionate parents. We ended up getting in a discussion rather than me just speaking and it was so warming to hear their vulnerabilities, curiosities and humility.
Truth is, so few of parents know what they are doing. It is by far the hardest job I have ever had…with so little training. I’m lucky that figuring out how to be a better human is part of my job description but for so many, it’s more like flying by the seat of their pants.
I recently re-watched The Wisdom of Trauma featuring renown psychologist, Dr Gabor Matè. It’s available to watch for a few more days and I highly recommend it for anyone with a parent, who is a parent, wants to be a parent or has lived life. Hah, truly, it’s for everyone.
GRATITUDE
When I speak to parents specifically, they typically ask a question like, “this is all great information, but what if I’ve already traumatized my kid?”.
First of all, I feel that too. When I reflect on the times I’ve been stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted and just lost it on my kids, I feel so much guilt. The great thing (that I am so grateful for) is that all children, and even adults, can transform their traumas. I love this article, How to Win Back Your Kids, and it touches on what we teach parents and kids in The Family Reset program.
Some will say trauma is what happens to you. We all have things that have happened to us. But as Gabor Matè famously says:
Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.
INNOVATION
You see, when we take an observational approach to trauma, we can see opportunities to release or “unstuck” the trauma.
Modern psychology knows that trauma gets lodged in our internal systems. Trauma gets stuck in a loop, stuffed into our cells, and leaves us unable to let go of the pain and fear and thus constantly reacting to what has happened to us.
Dr. Peter Levine, another brilliant psycho-somatic expert says:
“It's about the nervous system's response to an event, not necessarily the event itself”
If we can repair the nervous system and regulate ourselves in the face of the trauma, we can release the burden of it. What does this look like?
It looks like learning how to regulate and co-regulate with others.
It looks like slowing down enough to notice our activated, reactive states and how to choose different responses.
It looks like dropping into our trauma in a relaxed state so we can observe it, get curious about it, and re-process the events without reaction
It looks like strong connection with others, fostering safety, supportive and calm environments.
It looks like naming our feelings, feeling our feelings and feeling safe enough to communicate and then express our feelings.
It looks like allowing the full spectrum of feelings within us and others. That there are no “bad” feelings and no feelings that should be punished or pushed away.
It looks like cultivating togetherness, non-threatening environments for ourselves and others to rest in vulnerability, truth and expression.
FEELS
Your trauma does not need to define you. It shapes your story, your beliefs and reactions in life…maybe even your personality, but it does not need to define you. Psychosomatic work is essential to bringing awareness and release to our internal traumas.
Through this work, we learn, ultimately, YOU are not your actions, thoughts or experiences.
YOU are the space between the experiences.
YOU are the observer of your experiences.
YOU are the one noticing the inner dialogue, noticing the pain, panic, sadness, anxiety and grief.
YOU are the vessel that can respond to what you carry.
YOU are in relationship to your feelings.
YOU are the one that can offer compassion, self-soothing, regulation and safety to the big emotions.
YOU can also do that for your kids, loved ones and even strangers.
So, let’s keep doing the work. I think we call could benefit from feeling lighter these days, yea?
