How My Parenting Struggles are Revealing an Uncomfortable Truth
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Last weekend, I did a deep dive into parenting education, which helped me address my 5-year-old's reactions when he's mad. He's always had a temper - a short fuse - exacerbated by a big personality and a tiny, petite body. Being only 5, of course, I know that developmentally, his impulse control is quite low, with zero development into his "good judgment" zone, the prefrontal cortex. At age 5, children live in their lizard brain - an animalistic cause-and-effect world that leaves little room for mindfulness and catching one's own reactions.
Seeing Myself in My Five Year Old: Irritability and Frustration Intolerance
Examining his frustration intolerance had me reflecting on tolerance in general. For him, his annoyances come from a little kid invading his space while he's concentrating or a friend playing flag football the wrong way. Similarly, I found myself frustrated at the start of yoga class this morning. I noticed an irritability build up, like a slow boil, as a fellow student moved their mat close to mine, all while sneezing, coughing, and blowing their nose. "I do not want to get sick before Halloween" was the annoyed thought I had. Then, "why come to a closed, heated box when you're sick? This is inconsiderate!"
Just like I teach my son, it took many deep breaths for me to settle into child's pose and let go of that frustration. Once calm, I realized something in me has been building over the last couple of years. Friends, I, too, am having difficulty with my frustration tolerance. And I'd go on a limb to guess that I'm not alone. We live in a world of adult 5-year-olds who have to learn how to build bridges rather than create tension.
How Our Self-Protection Strategies Are Limiting Us
The discord and conflict in our country are escalating. You can feel the tension. In this wake, I find myself building walls inside of myself and drawing big boundaries. I'm seeing evidence that a person may no longer be safe, and drawing a conclusion before getting curious. When I encounter behavior that feels misaligned with my morals, values, or perspective, my instinct is to push away out of self-protection. Clearly, if they can think that or do that, then they are an unkind, immoral, misaligned person.
A shadow part of mine, and I know a lot of people's, is the part of ourselves that operates out of self-protection. Rather than get in the messy discomfort of maybe being wrong or having to change a perspective, we avoid and draw barriers. Shutting others out feels easier.
But while it may be easier to cut ties and avoid, we're missing out on something so essential to humans: meaningful connection. And I stress 'meaningful' because one of the greatest joys in relationships is learning from someone. To have someone reflect our growing edges, to widen our worldview, and to be a witness to more beauty and joy in shared understanding.
And really, it's about being open to being vulnerable.
Vulnerability Is Where Connection Is Born
Vulnerability is the greatest foundation for connection. It's where we meet someone else's imperfect humanity, share our fears and insecurities, and receive support, validation, and, most importantly, the reminder that we're not alone.
I know this is one of the main reasons I love my job as a therapist. I love meeting new clients and creating a space of non-judgment, open-heartedness, unconditional support, love, and listening. My clients are vastly diverse, and I can guarantee we do not always have the same values, hobbies, or voting records. And yet, to share space with humility, vulnerability, and compassion is an exchange that is so uplifting and supportive—for both sides. Bearing witness to someone's raw humanity is a privilege.
This is also why therapy remains so valid in a time when disconnection is rampant: to be seen, heard, understood, without conditionality or judgment—is so rare right now.
Why is it such a struggle to be vulnerable right now?
Many of my clients didn't grow up in a household where it was safe to share their feelings. Many didn't have a foundation of unconditional love and support to lean on when they made mistakes and encountered growth edges. This lack of trust in their inherent goodness led to shameful stories of not enough and to self-protection strategies of avoidance—of people and their distressing feelings.
It is then quite common for adults to struggle with tolerance, empathy, and understanding. It's learned behaviors that lead us to judge, misalign, and disconnect at the slightest threat. It's a learned behavior to take discomfort and, rather than get closer to it, courageously get curious and examine it, to instead shove it down and turn the other way.
But this is not how we heal, as individuals or as a collective. Turning against our neighbors, our friends, our family—because of our own discomfort—is how we perpetuate conflict and hatred. Lack of intentional understanding breeds further intolerance.
Exploring a Courageous Way Forward: Curiosity and Connection
One of my favorite practices when I notice myself struggling with judgement and the urge to disconnect instead of getting curious is "I notice, I wonder, I think."
I Notice, I Wonder, I Think
Here's an example in real life I'll offer:
I'm in yoga class, and I notice my annoyance at the student next to me, coughing, sneezing, and blowing their nose. I wonder if they are sick, maybe seeking hot yoga as a refuge for their illness. I think I can just let it be, trusting my immune system and offering them my compassion for what must be an uncomfortable situation for them.
Now, I call this a practice because it is. The first draft of this may still be full of frustration and judgment. But try again and do it from a heart that is a little more open, a mind more curious, from an essence of compassion. I encourage you to think of a minor annoyance right now— a person, an event, even a thought or feeling.
What do you notice?
Now, what do you wonder about this?
Now, what do you think?
*Add on - now what can you do?
Practicing this shift in perspective —from judgment to curiosity —is how we begin to rebuild the empathy and understanding that feel so lacking in our world right now. It's how we start to mend the fractures in our communities and in our own hearts.
Community starts with the decision to trust in the good within others.
In this season of my life, I find myself admiring the people who pick up the phone. I admire the people who reach across lines and host parties that are genuinely inclusive. I admire the people who ask questions with curiosity and collaboration in mind. I admire the ones who approach discomfort with courage.
Ultimately, we must learn to rely on and trust each other. When I was in my 20s and dating, I had a mantra: trust the good. Trust that people want to do good, be good, and have a good life. Of course, there are exceptions, but then I drop into, “well, perhaps they are doing the best they can with their limitations at the moment.”
For example, if someone blows you off, it's less about them being mean or rejecting you as a person and more about them not having the courage to explain themselves. Ghosting felt easier. We could drop into blame and judgment or trust that they are a good person who did what was best for them in that moment. Nothing personal. It's simply easier, more peaceful, more loving to use compassion as a driving force than judgment and hate.
A Pledge to Practice Compassion
I'm practicing. I hope you are too. Because in a world that often feels divided and broken, each small act of empathy and understanding is a step towards healing. Each time we choose curiosity over judgment, we create a ripple of compassion that touches everyone around us.
So I invite you to join me in this practice. The next time you find yourself getting annoyed or making assumptions about someone else, pause. Notice what you're feeling. Wonder about their experience. And choose a more compassionate thought.
Let’s be braver than 5-year-olds in handling our distressing emotions.
Sigh. Big hug. Life is challenging, and being human is work. But just remember - you're not alone. We're all in this together.
Support for Your Mental Health
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Conscious Transparency: This newsletter was edited by AI for grammar, spelling, and sentence structure, but every idea, tone of voice, perspective, and word choice was my own. This newsletter is imperfect because a human wrote it. Thank you for your graciousness.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools: My parenting reboot this weekend was listening to this podcast episode with Dr Becky. I now have post-it notes on our mirrors to remind all of us of some of our family mantras and how we want to respond to feelings and conflicts. Small steps, but consistency is key.
Gratitude: After another incident at school this week, a friend called me to talk about it. I’m so grateful for friends like this—the ones who pick up the phone and say, “Let’s chat and collaborate.” It’s an interaction filled with trust and good intentions. She’s teaching me how to be braver.
Innovation: A recent study concluded that forgiveness changes your brain and your body. The practice of forgiveness changes us on a molecular level, enhancing resilience, empathy, and social connection.
Feels: I’ve found great solace in poetry as of late. This poem feels incredibly relevant to what is going on in our country these days. I urge you to drop into open-heartedness and give it a read. Share it. Empathy is like a brushfire - easy to extinguish, but when left boundless, it carries infinite potential to catch fire everywhere.