Slow to Change
This article is part of our weekly TGIF newsletter series. To get these in your inbox weekly, sign up below:
Hi, community:
It’s good to be back. It’s amazing how home can feel so good. Home also highlights where work needs to be done. Being home, you cannot ignore the little cracks within your foundations - foundations of relationships, work, parenting, and of course, light bulbs burning out and showers that need some TLC.
While being home, I’ve also been in the quiet more and within that space finding more time for contemplation. Ah, it feels so nourishing to slow down for mindful observation, inner exploration, and taking care of things.
In this season, I’m reminded, once again, how slowing down is the secret to all change. Let me share more…
TOOLS
As my loyal readers, you know I love a good podcast. My dear sister clued me into some recent Unlocking Us episodes that have blown my mind. Oh, Brené, you do it again. This two-part series here and here with author and journalist Anand Giridharadas set my soul on fire a bit. If you’ve been in my company over the last couple of weeks you cannot, not hear me talk about this.
Anand discusses the need for on-ramps in our pursuit of a better future. You see, in the mental health field and in a lot of inclusive environments, we tend to use words that are not very accessible. We have our own set of language that if you don’t know, you’re not invited in. It’s a brutal truth.
Even the word “mindfulness” assumes you know what the heck I mean when in truth, most people know the concept but feel insecure discussing it. Same with discussing mental health disorders, diagnoses, potentially “triggering” someone, “retraumatizing” someone, and ensuring we are using the right pronouns in order to honor someone’s identified Self. It can be a lot. It can be a lot if you are in this field, but even more so for the parent, grandparent, sibling, or peer just trying to understand and be supportive.
We are rushing towards a finish line that is compassionate, clear, and equal. In that rush, Anand explains, we’re leaving a lot of people out. We’re leaving out well-intentioned supporters who just may not have the terms right. We’re leaving out loved ones who may not have a clear, comforting picture of the future we ourselves envision because it’s too far off and perhaps even scary for them.
Rather than abandon people as lost causes, how can we bring them compassionately into our mission?
GRATITUDE
I’m so grateful for the time to listen and learn. One of the biggest takeaways for me of late is the point shared in the podcast that we have been manipulated, by algorithms, to despise each other. From the early intervention into our 2016 elections and the influence of TikTok, there are forces at play creating a culture of hate.
What we know about such strong feelings towards another is that once we start to despise someone (or the idea/archetype), we dismiss them. And the dismissal of another human being, alluding that they are irrelevant and unworthy of your time/energy is the greatest threat to peace.
I remember working with a teen client years ago who was so upset that she was being called “irrelevant” by her peers. In her lifetime, irrelevancy is the biggest criticism of all and it makes sense. To be deemed irrelevant is to determine someone/something as immaterial, unimportant and insignificant.
When we start to characterize fellow humans this way we then begin to see how easy it is to dehumanize them. And dehumanization is the quickest way to justify human rights atrocities, violence, hate speech, trolling, and bullying.
“Oh, they don’t matter” carries a lot of weight with heavy consequences.
INNOVATION
But, I have hope. There is a way to reconnect to the ones we’ve banished. Just like when working within our own imperfect parts, we start to see the lovingness in the “other”.
Oh, it’s hard. It’s why so often this work of reconnection, compassion, and empathy must start within ourselves. If we cannot reclaim the “unworthy” parts of ourselves, we’ll never welcome the “disgusting” parts of others.
And the biggest way - the only way - to reconnect is to listen.
We have to choose to be in the room with the people (and parts of ourselves!) that we do not want to be with. That horrible racist uncle? Call him. That neighbor with the political sign, invite them over for coffee. That colleague who makes homophobic microaggressions? Sit with them at lunch. I know. It feels cringey. It feels uncomfortable.
“Why should I waste my time? They are never going to change! It’s too hard to hear what they have to say!” is what you’ll say. It’s the first response.
But, our first response is our own comfort being prioritized over the possibility of change. And if you, like me, believe in a better future- in fact, have a sense of urgency for a better future - then we have no choice but to embrace everyone.
FEELS
Have you seen Spirited yet? Octavia Spencer, Ryan Reynolds, and Will Farrel, in my humble opinion, knock it out of the park. But the essence of the movie is what caught my feelings.
The entire premise of the movie is whether people can change. In my work, I know people can change. My own life is a testament. I cringe at some earlier experiences of acting out of my white privilege, being insensitive and judgmental. I know change is possible because I see it happen every single day.
Every time someone chooses to pause, there is a change happening. A pause is a biological catalyst to more introspection, compassion, curiosity, and (dare I say it?), mindfulness.
We cannot remain on our treadmills and think that things are going to get better. We cannot stay in our isolated bubbles and expect others to join our movements.
This song - the spirit of this song - is what gives me hope. And tears. And joy.
We do a little good. We make a choice to be better. It’s an everyday decision. To choose what’s right. You’ll be on the right track. Give a little more. Work a little harder.
Pause. Make a choice to help others. And slowing down is necessary to invoke growth, change, and a better future.
As the famed Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl is quoted saying, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Ripples. Each one of us matters and we matter to each other. That is our collective power of change and possibility. Do not discount anyone for their role. Bring them in, slow down enough to be patient, and have faith in the good.
