TGIF: When Your Truth Hurts Others
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Dear Community,
Welcome to our weekly well-being column TGIF - Your Weekly Reset. Each week I will answer questions from you (or topics of interest!), bringing in themes of mental wellness-related tools, reminders of gratitude, innovative solutions, and a summary of my own feelings related to the topic.
Submit your questions as often as you’d like and I’ll be sure to address them in our upcoming columns.
As always, thanks for being here.
This week’s question comes from someone embarking on an exciting new life chapter following divorce, but trying not to carry the emotional fallout into her new season of life.
I’m going through a divorce and a new life as I have come out as gay. My ex is angry and upset and I’m having a hard time not letting him take up space in my mind and trying to live my life the happiest I can during these circumstances. My question is how do I embrace this new and fulfilling life while learning how to let go of the life I once had without guilt and letting it take up so much space in my mind? Thank you!
Dear Reader,
Big breath. What I am hearing in this question is an amazing amount of courage. What a journey it is to land on this authentic version of yourself. It is a big deal to confront your own pain and bravely make choices to uncover and live as who you really are and what will make you most happy.
I applaud you for the work you’ve done to arrive here. Finding and then actively leading from your authentic self takes a lot of work and unfortunately, many people in your life may not be as enthusiastic about this real you.
If you’re watching the latest Sex and the City reboot, And Just Like That, this particular storyline feels very Miranda. But this is also relevant to anyone who changes away from how others have perceived them and into their true Selves.
So let’s talk about what happens when you start living in a more authentic way and it impacts others.
TOOLS
The other day my team and I were sharing our former AOL AIM screennames. It’s a great icebreaker to really understand someone when you ask how they identified at 13 years old. For me, my screenname was lilaboc13. This is a vulnerable share because, readers, it stood for “life is like a box of chocolate” from my favorite movie at the time, Forest Gump.
You could say I’ve always been a potentialist and optimist - never knowing what surprise you’re going to get out of life. Also, always been a bit romantic and sentimental! Slightly embarrassing to share, but I bring this up because for me, who I later acted as in my most insecure times (late high school, college, early 20s) was so far from that insightful, enthusiastic person.
Fear and lack of confidence drove many of my decisions and I became unrecognizable to myself. I was so far from my center Self and it lead to disingenuine relationships, careers, and behaviors. While I never, ever regret the past (and I hope, reader, you feel can similarly), I do get sad sometimes about how long it took me to find me again.
And so for those of you wondering how you even find the real you, I want to first offer the following tools. The reader who wrote in this question did not just all of a sudden wake-up and change their life - it took years of self-inquiry, discovery and boldly making changes to get back into alignment with themself.
How to Identify Your True Self:
Be Alone with Yourself. Many, many people are afraid to spend time alone. They’re afraid of what will come up, if they’ll even like themselves, and of course, feel bored. Most people fill their alone time up with others - scrolling, talking on the phone, texting, but you must first practice truly being alone. And remember, being lonely is different from being alone. Being alone can be so fulfilling if used in the right way.
Use Alone Time Introspectively. Don’t squander time alone consuming content (aka scrolling) but instead use it to explore. Spending time alone with yourself is essential to getting to know yourself, what you enjoy, what you’re thinking about, and what lights you up. Notice what you’re drawn towards that doesn’t involve other people like getting outside, journaling, moving, breathwork, meditating, practicing art and crafts, or playing music.
Practice Awareness. Mindfully being with yourself is noticing and getting curious about what goes on in that head of yours. With mindfulness, we can observe the inner narratives without judgment and instead act with compassion towards ourselves. For example, you decide to go on a walk and you’re noticing frustration with your pace or how your body feels. It’s important to just notice those thoughts and feelings instead of trying to squash them, be annoyed by them, or fuel them.
Identify the Parts of You. When you begin to notice, in those more quiet moments, the different voices in your head, you can then begin to separate them from the real you. Our entire team is trained in IFS (Internal Family Systems) work through our Shame Triangle model. With this model, we are meeting and appreciating what the voices/parts of us are worried about, fearing, and protecting us from.
Find Your Center. It’s not until we peel back the layers of who we think we are and should be, do we find our true selves. We cannot find ourselves amongst noisy, crowded spaces within our brains or amongst constant distractions externally. By slowing down, being present with ourselves, and practicing awareness we start to remove the filters in which we’ve viewed ourselves and start to reveal the real us.
GRATITUDE
I’ve found many times in my work on myself and with clients that once we do locate our true selves, we’re then confronted with tough decisions. You’ve learned you actually do like eating meat and it’s hard to give up the identity of a vegan and your “do no harm” yogi mantras (personal story, yes).
This is just one example, but other examples are changing neighborhoods, moving across the country, switching jobs or schools, leaving a club or sports team, splitting up from partners and friends, refreshing your wardrobe, or changing your sexuality or gender.
In this process, we have to be so forgiving of ourselves because with change comes pain. I always like to say - we choose the pain - either the pain of staying the same or the pain of change. Both ways are painful. We cannot escape the pain of change no matter how hard we try to people please, manage the damage, anticipate other people’s reactions, and do our best to do the “right thing”.
When you make tough decisions as your REAL and TRUE self, I ask you to reflect on the following:
What must happen in order for me to live life as my most authentic self?
What changes must I make in my life in order to live truthfully?
Who will these changes impact?
What is the negative impact on others?
What is the positive impact on others from me being more authentically me?
How might all my actions and decisions be for others?
I forgive myself because I am just trying to….
What you may not realize is that by you living your life more honestly, you are giving others permission to do the same. One of my favorite quotes is as follows:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson
INNOVATION
You see, I want you to imagine how you playing larger and believing in your worthiness to a wonderful, aligned life benefits all of those around you.
When it comes to divorce, it’s really sad and hard for everyone. Of course, it is. But then - what happens when a parent is finally living their life with more presence, self-love, and acceptance? How does a parent’s increased self-worth trickle down to the children and teach them the lessons of resilience, bravery, and self-advocacy? An ex-partner will feel betrayed, hurt, and alone… at the beginning. But then how does the entire family flourish when the partner realizes their own potential when they have the opportunity to be truly loved by someone who doesn’t need them to change?
Everyone benefits when you are your most authentic self, even if it doesn’t feel like it immediately. Guilt is toxic and it takes you from the present moment and the potential of the next moment. Guilt robs you of enjoyment and keeps you in the pain of the past. If guilt is telling you, “I did something bad”, then you’ll keep betraying yourself as long as you entertain the feeling.
You have bravely chosen to step on a more aligned path, so OWN IT. You did not do anything bad because (put your hand on your heart and repeat after me) living authentically liberates the world.
FEELS
When we continue to act out of fear, insecurity, and our shame (belief we are bad), our actions will lead us down a road of sorrow. This is the road that years later we’ll finally pause, look back and say to ourselves, “How did I get here? This isn’t anything like what I imagined my life to be.” And trust me, this path hurts a lot of people, most of all yourself.
The beauty, dear readers, is that there is still time to change the road you’re on. The brave, authentic you is ready to be seen and heard if you allow it space and attention. Your fear and guilt serve no purpose other than holding you and everyone else around you back from realizing their full and true potential. Remember, by you setting yourself free, you shine a brighter light into the world, liberating others as well.
I’ll end with a story. A friend of mine has been on a rough decades-long journey of finding herself. She’s lost friends and encountered so much shame, judgment, and self-criticism. She has also committed the past two years to work on herself - doing the hard work of therapy, trauma reprocessing, forgiveness, and a lot of quieting of her mind. She’s now on a path that is authentic - moving to a new town and guess what? In spite of all the past heartache, this new path is completely cleared of obstacles. Every obstacle she encounters, miraculously, gets cleared away, spontaneously and without effort. It’s like the Universe is saying, prodding, “Yes, continue, this is right.”
When we force ourselves on a path that is inauthentic, we’ll notice how much more difficult it feels. We encounter so many roadblocks and yet we keep hurting ourselves and others by pushing and fighting onwards. However, when we redirect ourselves, we will find the path more easeful, syncing up positive and friendly opportunities. Believe in a friendly Universe, it’s more helpful that way.
And so, dear reader, the trick to moving on and embracing this new chapter is to believe in the honesty of it all. If you remember to return to yourself, your why and the greatest version of yourself emerging, you will shine brighter, love harder and feel the support that comes with living an authentic life.
A life lived inauthentically only perpetuates the trauma we hold and pass down. Reclaiming the truest version of you, in spite of the temporary pain it causes, is a healing journey of generations.
Remember that.
Keep being brave and many hugs.
Kerry
