(The Real) Modern Mindful Parenting
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Hi, community:
I had a sensitive week of parenting. Like a lot of working parents, I try to balance a lot. My partner and I try to pick them up from school at a reasonable time so as not to be the last kid there. We try to rush to get all work done between the hours of 9am - 3pm, while cramming in a shower, eating lunch, prepping dinner, and working out. We try to be there for the big moments, and the small moments, and drive ourselves crazy not wanting to miss a thing…all while keeping a full-time work schedule.
Stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, and guilt are just a few feelings that come to the surface. I’ve had that about to cry just below the eyeballs feeling all week.
So here’s the thing: modern mindful parenting is not about being perfect, never yelling, or being with your kids 24/7. Modern mindful parenting is also not about having the perfect kid. Because I need a reminder this week too, I’m going to break it down for you. I use a simple acronym called PACS to deliver the real modern meaning of mindful parenting.
TOOLS
Let’s start with P: Presence.
Let me ask you, what gets in the way of you being present?
For me, it’s emails, text messages, (damn iPhone), hunger, fatigue, household chores piling up, and the impending countdown of time available.
I’ve mentioned this before, but in order to even set ourselves up to be present in our lives, we have to set priorities. We have to understand our values and then determine what are can’t miss and what are things that we can bend on. From there, you set yourself up to commit to the can’t miss and know that in those moments you’re giving yourself an opportunity for presence.
Kids need us to present. They need us to be emotionally available to them. Are you emotionally available when you are distracted on your phone, rushing to get dinner on the table, or thinking about that email you have to finish? Probably not. When we think about the goal of being present, we have to recognize what inner states we’re working with ourselves. In order to be with our child, we have to drop out of doing and start being in our lives.
So as a tangible goal, I tell parents (and remind myself!) to aim for at least 20 minutes of undivided, undistracted playtime with each kid individually. We get on their level. We drop the role of parent vs. child and get silly and playful. We’re not trying to teach them how to do something or show them the rules. We let go of our parenting role and act like a child alongside of them.
With being present, we must let go of our expectations to have the most Instagram-worthy representation of our time with our kids. We must let go of the idea of the “perfect” parent who curates the most incredible Pinterest collection of arts and crafts. Our kids don’t care about that.
Being “present” doesn’t really count if we’re so stressed, overwhelmed, and achievement-driven to enjoy the process of being with our kids. Our kids want our attention. They want us available to them emotionally.
The #1 factor for your child to be emotionally successful is for you to be emotionally available.
Check Out our Programs for Mindful Parenting:
“The speaker was in their zone of genius, approaching tough topics with humor and vulnerability that made me really engage and enjoy the experience” —The Team Reset participant
“The Family Reset program provided our family with several tools and techniques to help our family be mindful of our own feelings and how releasing those feelings affects ourselves and each other.” —The Family Reset client
GRATITUDE
And what gets in the way of being emotionally available?
Welcome, to A: Awareness of Self.
Do you know what stresses you out? I’m grateful for years of therapy, meditation, and yoga to get me really in touch with my stressors. I also can identify my intergenerational triggers and how they impact my relationships and know exactly when my body is about to explode with anger.
But do you know why you’re triggered by your kid’s behaviors? Do you know why you react certain ways to them? Do you have an understanding of your daily stressors, own limiting beliefs, intergenerational traumas, societal expectations, and insecurities to name the why behind your reaction?
Lots of parents do not. Here’s a quick tool to use to get curious: Ask yourself “why?” 5 times. Once you understand the “why” behind your reaction or emotion, you can start to mindfully observe it without judgment and instead offer yourself compassion and understanding. This compassion gives you the opportunity to release and reassess your behavior.
I’m a highly sensitive person and so I am a sensitive parent. I get overstimulated, I’m sensitive to feedback, I feel deeply my kids’ emotions and I just can get overwhelmed easily. But the worst part of this? I take things personally, make assumptions and ruminate on whatever has occurred for far too long.
One important thing I’ve learned is that I must release attachment to my child’s behavior or the need to define what it means. In an age of diagnosing and labeling, I find labeling my own experience is much different than labeling that of my child. Just like I can observe my behavior with non-judgment and curiosity, I must do the same with my kid’s behavior.
But, I cannot take this mindful approach of curiosity unless…
INNOVATION
I am CALM! PA- CALM. We’re moving along here, folks.
Okay, so this one’s a doozy and I really want to stress the importance of co-regulation. Children need us to be calm in order to learn how to self-regulate; therefore, we need to co-regulate and model regulation. When we stay calm during a distressing situation, we are teaching our children how to model our behavior. When they go high, we cannot go higher!
Additionally, children cannot learn the lesson regarding their behavior with their own hair on fire. We know this. How often do you try and “have a conversation” with a kid who’s melting down? Doesn’t go very far.
A child who is out of control needs an adult who holds space. And we hold that space by remaining calm ourselves. In that space we’re holding, we’re allowing them to have their emotional reaction. We are telling them that they are safe to emote. We are sitting with our children while they are having a hard time - not us.
Now, I understand losing our calm. I did it the other night. I was so tired and one of those days when I couldn’t get to bed fast enough. My 5-year-old had other plans. He was wound up from a day at camp, too much sugar, and missing his parents all day. He wanted to play, chat and just get some attention from us. I know this now but at that moment when he was jumping on my bed? I lost it. I yelled, carried him into bed, and slammed the door. It sucked. He was even more upset, I was so mad and the night just continued longer before I finally could go to bed.
Looking retrospectively, I was able to see beyond his behavior and be compassionate towards the root cause.
So, when a few days later I was again, tired, and looking forward to the quiet at the end of the night and my kid was resisting bedtime… I relaxed. I just let myself stay calm. I knew that if I rushed him to bed he’d resist more. So, I softened and accepted that it was a long day apart, he needed my attention and despite my tiredness, an extra 20 minutes together would help the situation. And it’s true, it did. Me being calm, patient and present led to a more easeful bedtime.
We have a lot of guidance on how to use calming techniques for yourself. And I want to reiterate that- for yourself. The quickest way for your child to calm down is for you to calm down.
When I’m calm, I can see beyond the behavior in front of me and have more patience with the root cause of my child’s actions. I can join them in their experience instead of shaming them. Things like asking for what they need, repeating strong mama mantras to myself, modeling calming techniques, sharing empathy and understanding, and just staying in the room all help tremendously as we move through the experience together.
FEELS
This takes us to the last part of PACS - Security.
In my example above, I was able to create a safe haven for non-judgmental curiosity and emotional exploration with my kid. This is vitally important for a child to build their own sense of security so they can continue to navigate this difficult world and not succumb to outside dangers, other people, and maladaptive coping mechanisms
When we are with our children and their full experience of their emotions, we teach them that emotions are normal and we can accept all emotions. Trusting in a caring adult who holds space for the child’s emotions gives children the confidence they need to self-regulate and identify their sense of self. We want them to have the message that “I am here and you are worth it” from their parents and they can trust that there is someone who thinks they are worth being with no matter what.
Modern mindful parenting is not being “soft” on our kids. In fact, kids need two things in the world: love and discipline. When as parents we are mindful of our own inner experiences, we can be strong leaders at home. When we practice this way, we can discipline with intention and direct consequences immediately, instead of losing steam giving out threats.
Children cannot learn with their hair on fire and their hair is on fire when our hair is on fire. We must stay mindfully strong when facing their big feelings and resistance. A modern mindful parent is stern, and consistent, and gives them the respect that we are asking for by listening and giving them empathy through their difficult feelings.
We also establish security when we have designated areas of our home or within our routines for connection and emotion. In my house, we offer a “high/low” from the day so that we can share the good and the sad/bad in a safe, non-judgemental way. We normalize that not everything is good, and that’s okay. A lot of families I know have a Safe Chair for their older children. In that spot, the child can say anything and not be judged for it. It doesn’t mean the child won’t be reprimanded for coming clean about something, but the child can feel safe sharing because the parent refrains from immediate disapproval, scolding, and shaming.
And lastly, sometimes the parent is not the person our child needs at that moment. Strong attachment and thus strong self-esteem can be built through any trusted caregiver: a grandparent, a therapist, a coach, a teacher, or a friend’s parent. Sometimes, in different chapters of our child’s life, we need to let go of our own stuff to offer them an outlet like therapy, a “Trusted Trio” or another strong adult to help them feel safe and secure.
And I think this is the ultimate part of PACS and modern mindful parenting: letting go. So much of being a parent is trying to eliminate our child’s suffering. But that is a fundamentally flawed goal. The goal leads us to aim for perfection as a parent, to snowplow hardships, overly protect our kids, and distressingly control every situation. We try to limit triggers and possible traumatic situations. We try to plan for a perfect future.
With all that effort, how are we left? Are we anxious, angry, worried, and self-critical? Do we burn ourselves out? We tirelessly research the best parenting methods. Do we feel like a failure when our kid fails?
By letting go, we need to face the facts: our children face existential threats every day that we have no control over. In the daily practice of modern mindful parenting, we ultimately end with trusting and letting go. We learn how to trust in the emotional resilience of our kids, trust in our own center, and trust that whatever unfolds will be okay, even if it totally sucks.
“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.” —Woody Allen
