How to Communicate Stress for Healthier Family Relationships
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Family Disconnect
Many moons ago, I had a teen client who hated her parents. Unfortunately, this type of "why I am in therapy" beginning point is quite common. Oftentimes, the issue is a complete breakdown of communication. Teens stay in their room/on their phone/with their friends, and parents have no idea what is going on with said teens while grades are slipping, clothes are changing, or friends are drifting apart. The lack of two-way communication puts tension on the relationship, resulting in both sides feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. The pressure cooker is primed to explode.
Teens are supposed to individuate—grow beyond parents and learn how to be self-sufficient—and yet it's a terrifying reality for parents when the teen fails to demonstrate maturity or any capacity for common sense, personal hygiene, or responsibility. If you have a teenager or have had one, I know you've felt this story in varying levels of intensity and strife.
However, the issue is that this breakdown of communication does not just occur between teens and parents. A lack of two-way understanding occurs plenty between couples. In fact, I'd say that citing communication issues is the number one pain point for our Couples Reset clients. Often, the couple experiences increased resentment towards one another because one partner or both do not feel seen, heard, understood, or supported in their needs.
So what do we do about this?
Stress: A Barrier to Connection
I fear this may be overly simplistic, but frequently we find that the reason people are shutting down and putting up communication walls is due to stress. When a teen is dealing with social pressure, academic overwhelm, and existential crises, they are stressed. When a partner is experiencing financial pressure, social isolation, work overwhelm, health concerns, and identity crises, they are stressed. As humans, we become increasingly self-absorbed in our stress states because we are literally hard-wired to manage our stress as a threat to our survival. Instead of turning towards the very people who may be there to help us, we become edgy and irritable, artful at avoidance, shut down like a robot or statue, or passive and pleasing.
For relational issues, many people come to therapy, saying that it is the relationship (with a parent, spouse, friend, or child) that is causing them stress; yet, the inverse—that the stress may be impacting the relationship—is more likely true.
I recently had a client who said that their partner was much more receptive to hearing the hard truths about the nature of their relationship issues. What was so clear to understand was that the partner was able to receive constructive feedback in a regulated manner. Previously, when feedback or needs were spoken, the partner reacted from a stressed and dysregulated state. From that place, the partner would be defensive, aggressive, and blaming. The change this time around? The partner finally started therapy and was learning tools to manage their stress.
See, managing our personal stressors allows us to show up better for others.
The Role of Regulation in Healthy Relationships and Communication
Co-regulation in all relationships is a vital condition for healthy communication, ensuring psychological safety to express needs, self-advocate, and share vulnerable challenges and personal hardships. Think about it—if someone has an edgy, irritable vibe or seems hurried and chaotic, do you feel safe to share openly with them? If someone appears anxious and wound up or flat and morose, do you feel safe to bring your worries to them?
When we mindfully work with our own states, we can move towards self-regulation that becomes a co-regulating source, inviting in connection, compassion, and understanding. This is the very heart of our work at Reset and makes up a significant part of our "why." Regulated individuals—those who can navigate emotions without harming others, either emotionally or physically—foster a safer world for all.
So, I leave you with a simple mindfulness exercise that my former disgruntled teen client used daily during the school year. It was a way for her to check in with herself and her own state, and then non-verbally communicate to her parents her capacity for the day's connection. The signal was not permission to probe, but rather to alert loved ones and let them use their own inner resources to respond in safe and supportive ways.
Communicating Stress Levels with Loved Ones
The tool that this teen used was called the Red Yellow Green Calendar. To use it, follow the steps below:
Start by getting a dry-erase calendar that is big enough for each family member's initial in each box. You can also purchase large printed calendars.
Then, get green, yellow, and red markers.
Each day, family members or partners self-assess where they are that day:
Red = It's a hard day, I feel really low/angry/irritable/anxious/sad and I need some space and gentleness. I may not have a lot to offer today, and I'd appreciate your non-invasive support.
Yellow = I'm okay, but not great. I'm "fine" but feel something is off. Perhaps I have a physical ache, my grief is louder today, my anxiety feels a bit more spiraly, I got in a fight with a friend, and I'm still processing it. I'll engage enough, but don't ask too much of me today.
Green = This is me, right now, at my best. I'm not perfect, nor am I a new version of myself, but I'm at my greatest capacity for me right now. Perhaps that means I'm talkative and energetic. Maybe it means I'm motivated and passionate. Perhaps it means I can focus today, and I think I can be productive. Only the individual knows their "green" baseline.
Benefits of Tracking and Signaling Mood Levels
The cool thing about this signaling is that it shows patterns of how someone may be feeling over time. It also prompts further reflection (or celebration) to determine how to transition from more red to more yellow and then more green days—a tangible way to recognize that things are not improving, and extra, outside help may be warranted. It also allows you to track trends. Are the red days always on Mondays? Are the green days always after a more active day?
Most importantly, when we are mindful of our own states and can be aware of others, we create more space to connect with them in helpful ways. When we are present to reality, rather than the narratives or assumptions we make about others, we can also let go a little, depersonalize, and release resentment. Perhaps it lowers our stress.
Maybe then, our relationships flourish.
Support for Your Mental Health
At Reset Brain and Body, we support clients through seasonal transitions, foundational and holistic wellness, nervous system regulation, and more. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Our team is here to walk with you—through the overwhelm and into presence.
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This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools: Lately, I’ve been using music as a meditation tool, and it’s incredible how much less pressure I feel to “do it right” when music takes the lead. This app is my favorite and was developed by a friend of mine. I may be biased, but I think it’s really incredible!
Gratitude: This quarter at Reset, we’re celebrating creative expression as a methodology, and it’s been so fun to see the ways our team members infuse creativity into their work. I’m so grateful for the amazing talents of our team, their ingenuity, and boldness in adapting to different modes with clients.
Innovation: I plan to reflect on this further, but over the weekend, my husband and I shut off our phones completely for 36 hours (him) and 65 hours (me). It was both freeing, amazing, and shocking. The minute the phone went back on, I noticed my nervous system had recalibrated to a state of buzzing, anticipation, and constant checking. I plan to do more of this, and I hope you do too. The real gift: everything was fine, nothing was urgent, and it all could wait 65 hours.
Feels: I had a red day this week, and it was super apparent to me that it was all stress-related. Too much, too fast, too soon was how I felt. The day was just full, and I woke up later than I wanted, and everything felt rushed. And, as I’m constantly reminded, slowing down is the solution. I wish I had thought about it before I sent that email and had to face the consequences of my reaction. As the saying goes, “nothing goes away until it teaches you what you need to know.” I’m still learning.