What To Do When Fear Divides
Fear is a natural, instinctual human response. The fear response is important when we are facing real, imminent danger. Immediate threats to our survival necessitate a response like fight, flee or freeze.
When fear is omnipresent, we also start to anticipate threat and look for bad things to happen. We actively search our environment for threats as way to create an illusion of control. When we live in this state, our fear response is always ready to pounce. We’re activated all the time, ready to react.
So what does this do to our relationships? Fear divides.
Fear isolates and creates self centeredness. It’s survival instinct to protect oneself. When fear is present, it is basic human instinct for “every man for their self”. The self-preservation is a defense mechanism and can in fact create defensiveness, resistance and hostility as a way to protect oneself.
So how do we connect to one another under these circumstances?
TOOLS
When you come into conflict and notice tension with someone. Try these tools:
Ask yourself, how might this be their fear response? Are they acting in fear with arguing (fight), avoiding (flee), ignoring (freeze) or placating (fawn)?
Understand the other manifestations of fear like anxiety, dread, insecurity, mistrust, worry, and apprehension.
Try to drop into their shoes. What is their situation? What might be making them fearful right now?
Is it an unmet need for freedom, safety, trust, connection, play, hope, or meaning?
Get curious. Ask questions and learn about their perspective. Try to listen to their “why”. You do not have to agree.
See the human in them. See their flaws, fears and reactions. See their story.
Drop your own defenses. When you see their humanness and fears, they are no longer a threat to you. They are simply trying to survive and this is the best they can do.
Set boundaries. The greatest boundary you can set is not trying to change them or their mind. Fear makes us pretty obstinate. Do not lose your energy and cool by trying to convince them to see things your way.
GRATITUDE
But what about reacting to the world at large?
If you notice yourself reacting in fear, try and simply notice the survival instinct of self preservation. Of “I” thinking.
What might it look like to instead respond in “we”? It takes mindfulness and compassion to drop into the collective needs. To assess and observe what is greater than just you.
What is for the good of all living things?
How might my actions have ripples- positive or negative?
Another way to look at gratitude is as a definition of returning kindness. There is a softening that comes with this practice. When we show appreciation, we’re welcoming an exchange of compassion. We value someone else’s sacrifice, generosity and attention. As we move from “I” to “we”, kindness must be at the root. Our actions must consider others, in spite of the fear.
INNOVATION
So what would it look like, as we descend further and further into divisiveness to look at the collective impact instead of “every man for himself"?.
To me, this feels like what we do here at Reset. We look at things holistically. We cannot look at just the anxiety and not see the chronic pain. We cannot see the migraines and not explore the depression. We cannot look at the anger without examining the trauma.
When we react in fear, we’re reacting in isolation… we’re reacting with a singular focus.
When we step back and observe holistically, we can try and make decisions that address all parts of the situation. How?
We have to try and learn from each other. Engage in difficult conversations. Ask questions.
And diversify information sources. Read the other side. Watch their stories, news and listen to their fears.
We have to keep trying by leaning into discomfort.
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Reset Brain + Body is an integrative mental health care practice. Our services include individual therapy, couples and family therapy, yoga therapy, play therapy, art therapy, and group programs and events. If there is anything we can support you with, please connect with us by emailing us visiting us on Facebook, or Instagram, or scheduling a session with one of our therapists.
