When You Feel Like an Angry Parent

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Hi Community,

Is your summer super busy? I have less than a handful of weekends not accounted for between today and CHRISTMAS.

Remember during the pandemic when we said we cannot return to the old ways and this has to be a way to “reset” ourselves? Turns out, most of us are doubling down this summer and activities are rampant.

And the thing is: I’m still tired. I’m still tired from 2+ years of having kids who cannot be vaccinated. I’m still tired from dealing with the traumas of our world. I’m still tired because of unreliable childcare, a full-time job I try and squeeze into part-time hours, because of hormones and sickness and life.

And when I’m tired, I get irritable. Maybe angry. Lose my cool quicker.

And all of this: burnout.

If you can relate, this week’s newsletter is for you.

TOOLS

I’ve been saying a lot this week that we’ve rebounded from the pandemic as far as picking up where we left off in our busy lives. And maybe even added more to our plate as we make up for missed weddings, birthdays, travel, and concerts.

And yet, we’re still the same vessel.

One of my favorite tools for understanding the things we’re carrying is to identify as a glass of water.

I’d like you, right now, to picture yourself as an empty glass of water. Then, pour water into your glass if:

• you didn’t have enough sleep last night

• you’re struggling with an acute or chronic illness

• you have children

• you identify as BIPOC

• you identify as LBGTQIA+

• you have intergenerational trauma

• you have your own traumas

• you have an upcoming move, divorce, or wedding

• you live in a climate risk zone

• you grew up or currently live below the poverty line

• your parents or any loved one is ill

• you’re grieving

Is your water glass full yet?

You wake up with a glass of water already up to your neck. With so little room, how can you handle things like bad news, global catastrophes, unexpected events, misbehaving children, irritable partners or colleagues, bad weather, stubbing your toe, or the dog running away? How can you not overflow with the daily occurrences of life?

GRATITUDE

You see, we all carry risk factors that contribute to burnout, overflow, and poor mental health. If you review the image below, you’ll find yourself many places on the list of common risk factors.

We’re all just a bunch of glasses of water walking around. We all have our own water levels, some coming from birth and added to as we have more years on this Earth.

I offer this metaphor because first, it’s important to recognize the human in each of us and recognize what each of us is carrying. Maybe then we can have more perspective and empathy for our peers, colleagues, neighbors, and loved ones.

But secondly, when you start each day with the awareness of where your water level is, you may be able to find ways to prevent the water from overflowing. I know when I’ve overflowed. I cry, panic, get mad, yell at my family, binge shop, crave a glass of wine, and just want to go to bed. Those are indicators that I’ve maxed out and I must release the water in these somewhat unhelpful coping methods in order to create more space.

• Yet what if we had so much awareness we could act preventatively?

• What if we could reduce our water levels before we overflow?

Well, I’m grateful to share that we can. We can manage our water levels.

INNOVATION

Last week I was in yoga and broke down. This Trevor Hall song played and it was like a mantra, just saying the same line over the over again: put down what you are carrying.

We all juggle balls. It’s how we get things done. However, my dear friend told me her therapist offered an analogy. She said, there are glass balls and plastic balls.

First, we have to determine which balls are glass - the ones that we cannot drop. For me, that’s caring for my whole health (prioritizing grocery shopping, getting enough sleep, attending therapy, meditation, and exercising) and caring for my family (having boundaries with work, a flexible schedule, sacred weekend family time, family dinners, date nights).

Then, we determine the plastic balls. The balls that won’t break if we drop them. They are less fragile. For me, that’s things like housework, responding to text messages, social friendships, email timeliness, actually cooking every night, my physical appearance, travel, and many more.

See, I still care about the plastic balls. I care a lot. But I know that if I don’t juggle it at that moment and it drops, it will bounce back. I know that I can repair it. It may be a lot of work, like when I totally dropped a ball with a dear friend in a moment I thought was a plastic ball and she felt was glass, I have to earn back that trust. But it will come. But I cannot spend every minute stressing about the plastic balls dropping. I have to trust they will be okay.

And also, I must respect my limitations and that I cannot carry them all.

But, so many of us think we can or must carry all the balls. We put enormous pressure on ourselves to do it all and be it all. We put so much pressure that everything must be a glass ball and cannot break. This is simply unsustainable.

If we try to juggle too much, all the balls will break- the glass ones too - which are the ones that are impossible to repair.

FEELS

Let’s break this down simply:

How to Not Burn Out (and be an angry, stressed, anxious, irritable, unhappy, unhealthy parent or person…)

1. Identify your glass and plastic balls.

   1. Usually, you can determine this by identifying your values.

   2. Or, try this exercise to help you.

2. Identify where you need to set boundaries to support your glass balls.

   1. What do you need to say “no” to?

   2. Who’s help do you need?

   3. What structure will help you sustain boundaries?

3. Build new habits.

   1. Follow the formula to make them obvious, attractive, easy, and satisfying.

   2. Determine the values-driven intrinsic rewards versus extrinsic rewards for accountability

4. Complete your stress cycle.

   1. Do a daily check-in with your water level. How much space do you have?

   2. What do you need to let down or let drop?

   3. Practice mindful releases of your water before it overflows.

   4. Find things to release the stress/water build-up.

5. Be vulnerable.

   1. Ask for help if this is too hard and you are too hard on yourself.

   2. Communicate your goals, your truth, and your values with everyone so you’re clear on what you want and need

   3. Honor yourself, and your commitments, and respect yourself. You teach people how to treat you and you do that first with how you treat yourself.

Friends, we are angry, anxious, depressed, and unhealthy when we do not take the necessary steps to safeguard our health. As we know, some of us are born into a life that has more risk factors for burnout, overwhelm, and mental health issues. If we all take the action to instill some protective factors, we may be able to offset, release and prevent the next blow up…in our life and maybe for others, too.

And as my 12-year-old self would say, “Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?”