When You Gaslight Yourself

Ah, the holiday season. When manipulation, guilt, and boundary-crossing rage.

But what if the finger actually needs to point at yourself?

What if you, my dear friend, are gaslighting yourself?

TOOLS

Read: Gaslighting: How do I know if it's happening to me and what do I do?

First, what is gaslighting?

In the simplest terms, gaslighting is when you are made to distrust your own experience of something. It is when your thoughts, feelings, and interpretation of an experience are invalidated and questioned. You mistrust and doubt yourself and lose a sense of your truth. This leads to a domino effect on your relationships, self-esteem, and belief systems.

You can learn even more about gaslighting and helpful tools here, here, and here.

GRATITUDE

Are you watching The Morning Show? I’m so grateful when pop culture embraces mental health and culturally significant issues.

My favorite quote in recent episodes is from Laura Petersen, played by the unmatchable Juliana Marguiles: (Trigger warning: there is bad language, so if it offends you, you may want to skip below)

“And stop assuming that there’s only one path to fucking up your kids. But you’re not a kid anymore. Fucked up kids have an excuse. Fucked up adults get therapy. Fucked up adults change their circumstances. That’s advice that I live by. So, do you what you have to do…”

If we’ve been gaslighting ourselves, meaning that we’re questioning our own thoughts, experiences, and feelings, it makes it pretty hard to change our circumstances.

INNOVATION

Can you believe that you may have an inner narcissist?

Can we name this inner narcissist our Ego? Within our Ego lives protector parts of us that try and keep us from experiencing pain, vulnerability, and threat. Narcissists are great at this through blaming, projecting, deflecting, and victimizing themselves.

Now, this shows up for us through part-roles: the bully, the hyper-vigilant, the quitter, the dominator, the liar, the perfectionist, the controller, the critic, the analyzer, and the judge.

And what do Narcissists do really well? They gaslight. Gaslighting protects narcissistic parts from facing their own truth, accountability, and responsibility for something. In essence, it is a survival mechanism so they do not have to sit in pain, discomfort, or go through the pain of change.

So, can you see how inside of you there may be strong parts that try to question your feelings, thoughts, and experiences in order to protect you?

FEELS

If you’re still with me and feeling this, great. So what does it all mean?

Our thoughts and feelings are not always logical. Our pasts, traumas, cognitions, brain wiring, and physical experiences create patterns to, no matter how illogical, keep us surviving.

Ever wonder why you keep going back to that toxic person? Never quit the job? Can’t leave a relationship? Never get to commit to something fully? Have a hard time finishing a project? Haven’t moved, traveled, or tried that new hobby?

While there may be various reasons, it is important to see what parts of us are serving us while keeping us “safe” from pain, discomfort, change, and risks of the unknown while remaining unaccountable to our own circumstances.

And the commitment to our own “rightness” is our own prison. If we refuse to see the truth clearly, we are keeping ourselves stuck and in a loop to preserve our own rightness.

Because being wrong is painful. And heck, humans are full of actions to avoid pain.

So rather than remain stubborn, I implore you to question everything. Keep digging for the truth until you finally find the authentic, compassionate higher self that is open, honest, loving, trusting, and knows that everything will be okay.

Hard to find that self? Yea, same for 99% of all people. And so we go full loop: get therapy and change your circumstances.

If you’re curious, the Elevated Reset is a deep dive into finding this sense of truth and self through intense, experiential methods. It’s not for the faint of heart but if you’re ready, you’ll know if it’s for you.

Take care community. Hugs and Halloween candy leftovers.