The Power of the Messy Middle: Why Life Isn't Meant to Be Perfect
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For years, I’ve been reminded of a simple message. One that nudges me in the quietest of moments, often when I’m gripping life a little too tightly:
Stop taking life so seriously.
It’s a message that makes me uncomfortable—because life is serious. Right now, one of my dearest friends is starting chemotherapy. Another is facing the heartbreak of a potential divorce. One is desperately seeking mental health care for her child. Another recently lost her brother. Someone else is on the brink of unemployment.
Life is heavy. And if you're feeling that, I want to take a moment to honor it.
But alongside the heaviness, I’ve come to realize this: in our effort to control life, to avoid pain, fear, and failure, we may be missing the very essence of living.
When Perfection Becomes a Distraction from Presence
Like many adults, I juggle a lot—raising kids, managing a business, staying healthy, maintaining relationships. Somewhere along the way, I picked up the belief that if I just did everything right, nothing would go wrong.
Spoiler alert: that’s not how life works.
Perfectionism, control, constant busyness—it all creates a false sense of safety. But in trying to avoid discomfort, we often miss the joy, spontaneity, and richness of life.
The Fear That Steals Our Joy
As a trained Death Doula, I’ve spent a lot of time sitting with the reality of our mortality. And while death is painful and often tragic, I no longer see it as something to fear. It’s simply a part of the cycle—another chapter, a transition.
Our fear of death, suffering, and failure keeps us trapped. It leads us to build walls of control that prevent us from fully experiencing life. But life is inherently unpredictable and beautifully messy.
Almost every time something hard happens, we find a way through it.
Embracing the Middle Way
In Buddhism, there’s a concept known as the middle way. It’s about finding balance—not swinging to extremes of indulgence or restriction, not clinging to control or giving in to apathy.
It’s about grace. Curiosity. Presence.
I remember vividly the first time I felt this in my body—during a yoga class, when the word equilibrium washing over during a session. I didn’t know exactly what it meant, but I felt it. It was peace. Balance. Wholeness.
Practicing the middle way helps us shed the pressure to do things perfectly. It lets us release rigid identities and expectations. When we stop chasing a "right way," we stop labeling others—and ourselves—as wrong.
Life Happens in the Messy Middle
Living with intention doesn’t mean living without chaos. It means learning to flow with the chaos. To find small moments of joy, connection, and presence within the noise.
And so, I’m practicing this:
Ordering takeout and pressing the easy button on a rainy day, without guilt.
Asking for help, even when I wish I could do it all.
Taking a mental health day with zero plans, because the weekends are busier than the weekdays.
Staying up too late reading a book I adore, even if it messes with my workout the next day.
Letting the kids run wild in the rain.
Saying "yes" even when life feels cluttered with obligations.
Drinking my coffee on the porch, bundled up in the freezing morning, just to feel the morning air.
Crying in the shower, grieving deeply, and still feeling gratitude for what I have.
Choosing Life Over Control
Recently, my friend's cancer diagnosis shook me. I spiraled into fear. I overhauled my diet, researched obsessively, tried to control every variable I could. But the truth hit hard:
No amount of control can protect us from life.
And in our obsessive quest for safety, we may be missing what’s right in front of us.
So I invite you—gently, lovingly—to join me in the messy middle. The place where life isn’t perfect but it’s real. The place where balance, connection, and joy can be found.
You’re Not Alone
Wherever you are right now, whatever you're navigating—you’re not alone. We're all doing the best we can, figuring it out as we go.
Let’s give ourselves permission to stop striving for perfect, and instead, start living on purpose.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
In an effort to be less rigid, I’ve taken to the “tool” of structuring my life in seasons. Each literal season of the year is different, so I allow my routines, habits, and practices to ebb and flow like nature does. Can you offer yourself some grace, too? Can you behave like nature, expanding and contracting like the seasons?
Gratitude
This week, I did a quick sprint workout, and the audio instructor said, “First things first, let’s thank your body for allowing you to do this.” She said to express it out loud, and so I did. How often do we forget to speak our gratitude out loud? I promise it makes a difference.
Innovation
What would it mean to you to not be afraid of death? I’m just going to lay that right there. Sit with it. Journal on it. Talk to your therapist about it. Write me back. I want to hear from you.
Feels
I enrolled in my Death Doula training program almost a year ago on a complete whim. I had this internal feeling to look it up and found a program at the right time, price, and location, so I signed up. I didn’t know why I needed to do it, but as the months go by, I keep uncovering little messages and meaning from the experience. There’s something imperative about listening to those little nudges, even if it’s scary, weird, unknown, or unclear. Something greater is unfolding. Allow it. This is part of the practice of letting go of our rigidity.