Calming Down
How many times have you heard someone say “calm down”? Even better, how many times have you uttered those exact words to yourself or someone that you love? Oh, if it were only that simple! Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.
There is no magical red button to press (that we know of) when things start to bubble over and life gets, well, chaotic. The meeting you’ve spent all night prepping for gets postponed, your kids are quite literally losing their sh*t in the middle of Trader Joe’s, you forget to set the timer for dinner and smoke comes billowing out from the oven… Life can be messy. Scratch that – life IS messy. It’s inevitable, no matter how much work we put in to keeping ourselves calm… every once in a while, mistakes happen, boundaries are blurred, values shift, and we find ourselves, once again, agitated and restless. Hey, we’re only human right?
And its human nature to crave autonomy, connection, meaning, peace, physical wellness, and play. These are the 6 core needs and values that, when fulfilled, make us feel completely centered. It’s when we find ourselves out of alignment with these particular needs and values that we tend to experience distress, anxiety and conflict.
We subconsciously identify boundaries that we’re willing to navigate in and around. This is known as our zone of comfort. It’s where we exist in harmony with the people, places and things around us. However, when this zone of comfort is compromised, and things get pushed in any direction outside of that predetermined threshold, we no longer feel calm, cool and collected. Instead, everything around us feels heavy and completely out of our control. Que canceled meetings, kids crying, dinner burning, fill in your blank here.
So, what can we do to combat, or slow down, these feelings of distress? How can we regain a sense of focus when sanity has been thrown completely out the window? Follow these 6 simple strategies next time you seriously need to calm down.
#1 Observe how you’re feeling
The first, and arguably the most crucial strategy to calming down is observation. When things seem “off”, take a moment to acknowledge how you’re feeling. Without placing judgement or blame, just notice. Once you’ve determined how you feel, work backwards.
It’s much easier to acknowledge the aftermath before recognizing the catalyst. Consider moments when your needs and values may have shifted out of alignment. Then observe what action or thought may have led you to this place of discomfort. Try not to place labels. What you’re feeling is not “good” nor “bad”… it just is. Give yourself permission to exist within that uncertainty.
#2 Communicate your needs
It’s one thing to acknowledge your needs – and kudos to you for doing that! – but it’s a whole separate issue to actually express what your body and mind are craving most. Communicating what you require is often the most challenging strategy to calming yourself down.
You mean I have to actually admit that I don’t have it all together? Yes! Be honest with yourself, and then be honest with the people around you. If you’ve got them, utilize them! Whether it’s an extension on that deadline, a 5-minute breather standing in your pantry closet, or a little extra emotional support from your partner, if you don’t communicate what it is you need, you can’t expect to receive it. So, drop the ego, be vulnerable, and take a step closer towards a calmer, more fulfilled sense of self.
#3 Draw awareness to your breath
When we feel worried or upset, our natural instinct is to take short, shallow mouth breaths. This is our body's unfortunate defense mechanism to combat stress. The most unfortunate part? This form of breathing actually heightens stress and lowers our overall energy level. Shallow breathing doesn’t offer our lungs the opportunity to fully expand, which unintentionally creates tension throughout the entire physical body. This style of breath is formed fully out of habit, and as we all know, habits are challenging to break!
But, did you know that one of our natural superpowers is breath?! We can quite literally alter the landscape of our day by manipulating our inhalations and exhalations. Deep diaphragmatic breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the autonomic nervous system that triggers rest and recalibration. These slow and steady breaths not only calm the heart rate, but they lower blood pressure and help to limit racing or agitated thoughts. This mindful, deep, belly breathing helps to draw awareness, and lessen the impact of tense circumstances. You may also notice an increase in your overall energy level.
Ready to give it a try? Imagine that with every single breath, you’re not just working to fill your chest, but you’re focusing on filling all the way down to your low belly. Take a 5-second-long breath in through your nose. Notice as your belly actively expands and presses away from the body on the inhalation. Work to exaggerate this motion, before pausing at the top for 3 seconds. As you exhale to the count of 5, slowly draw your bellybutton in towards your spine, releasing all of that stale air out of the body. Pause at the bottom for 3 seconds. Then begin again. Repeat this 10 more times, or as many times as you need to feel yourself calm down.
#4 Drop into your body
Everything that we feel inside, tends to take shape externally. When we’re feeling agitated or stressed, our physical features unconsciously harden. You may notice your shoulders lifting and tensing, that space between your eyebrows furrowing, the lips pressing together as one, your hands clenched into fists, the tongue plastered to the roof of your mouth… Before you know it, you’re ready to throw down!
The next time things get a little edgy, go ahead and take a full body scan starting at the crown of your head. As you move further and further down the body, consciously work to release and loosen your muscles. It may take several scans up and down before you fully give yourself permission to experience relief. Remember, it is a choice to soften. It’s not always an easy option, but you have to choose calm before any of these strategies will really begin to take shape. You’ve got this!
#5 Close your eyes
Superpower number two? Your eyes! Feel yourself edging further out of alignment with your needs and values? Close your eyes or soften your gaze. Sound too simplistic? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t! But allowing your eyes to close can trigger immediate feelings of relaxation. Coupled with breathwork and muscle loosening… you’re one step closer to feeling calm. Go ahead, give it a try!
#6 Start again
I’ve never quite resonated with the saying “practice makes perfect”, but what I do know for sure is that practice creates habits! And I can’t stress the importance of this enough! Conscious practice is the key to creating conscious patterns in your everyday life. Notice the word “conscious”. Regardless of whether you realize it or not, every time that you take part in an activity, you are practicing. Now the question is, which habits are you fueling? Notice, observe, communicate, drop into your body, close your eyes and consciously start again.
Now for the reality check. Chances are, even after following along with these 6 simple strategies to calming yourself down, you’re going to slip up. Your reactions may even disappoint you at times. That’s okay! Notice your misstep, and identify how you can better support yourself in the future. And then let it go. Give yourself permission to move forward, trusting that you are doing the continuous work to better yourself, and acknowledging that, on occasion, you will fall short. Always start again. Over and over again.
References: https://www.headspace.com/blog/2017/08/15/shallow-breathing-whole-body/
Samantha Breitmeyer is a MSW Candidate and intern at Reset Brain + Body. She is also a registered yoga instructor and breath-work guide. You can connect with Sam by attending a Reset Brain + Body group program she will be leading or by connecting with us through our Instagram or Facebook. Reset Brain + Body is an integrative mental health care practice. Our services include individual therapy, couples and family therapy, yoga therapy, play therapy, art therapy, and group programs and events. If there is anything we can support you with, please connect with us by emailing us visiting us on Facebook, or Instagram, or scheduling a session with one of our therapists.
