Dealing with Disappointment
We all experience disappointment, no matter who you are, or how foolproof you think your plan is. It’s a fact of life, and no one is immune. When we’re faced with a disappointment, we tend to think it’s the worst thing that could happen, but as many successful people know, your biggest disappointment can steer you toward your greatest success. The difference between it being a stopper, or a launching pad to success, depends on you. Your outlook, attitude, and the steps you take after a big disappointment, can lead you on your path to the best life you could ever imagine.
While it may seem like disappointment is an individual experience, with each one being completely different, there are some commonalities among all disappointments, be they personal (like a relationship that you really wanted to continue, ending suddenly) or work related (not getting that job you thought you were a perfect fit for, or being passed over for a promotion). With these commonalities come common strategies. With a little introspection and effort, not only can you get past your disappointment, but you can grow from it, and soar higher, not in spite of disappointment, but because of it. Let’s talk about how to not only deal with disappointment, but how to move on (and up!) when things don’t go according to plan…
How to deal with disappointment …
Feel your feelings
No one expects you to shrug it off, and bounce back from a setback right away. You’re allowed to feel some kind of way when things don’t go as you’d hoped and planned for. Take a little time to sort through your feelings. Sadness? Anger? Whatever your feelings are, acknowledge them, but remember, they’re only temporary. They will change, they always do. No matter how hard it may be to believe, you’ll get excited again, you’ll plan again, and you’ll get another chance to do the thing again.
Watch your self-talk
How are you dealing with the disappointment? Are you blaming yourself? Though you may have made a misstep or two, a disappointment isn’t the end of the world, and it’s not a reason to doubt yourself, your instincts, or your worth! Watch the way you talk to yourself. Beating yourself up because things didn’t work out won’t change the outcome, and it certainly won’t help you move past things. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend who’s been dealt a disappointment, don’t say it to yourself either. This may not be where you wanted to be right now, but you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to give yourself another shot. Don’t try to talk, or berate, yourself out of it.
Avoid playing the blame game
If you’re tempted to place blame for your setback, first of all, know that you’re completely human. It’s human nature to look around, or inside, to place blame for where things went sideways. However, as human as it is, it’s also pretty counterproductive. If your first instinct is to blame yourself, well, maybe we need to talk more about self-talk. Honestly, ask yourself this question. Is blaming yourself really going to do any good? All that blaming yourself will really do is make you feel guilty, and trust me when I tell you, no one needs more guilt. Even if you could have made a different decision, chosen a different path, or changed what you did in any way, you didn’t. Your decision was based on the best information you had at the time. It may not have worked out the way you wanted it to, but that’s in the past now. The best thing you can do (particularly for your mental health) is to recognize that you can’t change what you did then, you can only work on where you go from here. On the flip-side of that, is placing blame on someone or something else. We CAN look around for someone/thing outside ourselves to blame when things go wrong, but why? Will it change the outcome? What’s done is done, and placing blame serves no purpose other than perhaps making you resentful, and feeding your anger at the current situation, and it gives your power away.
You can’t change what happened, so the best thing to do is to look forward rather than looking for something or someone to blame.
Talk it out
Do you have a mentor or trusted friend? Talk to them! Let them build you back up, or at least commiserate with you. Bonus if that person isn’t afraid of a little not-so-brutal honesty. They may be able to help you pinpoint where things went off-track, and they may also be able to give you some constructive feedback, to get a better outcome when you jump back on that horse. One caveat though: be particular about whose advice you take.
When you face a setback, it may be tempting to want to talk to everyone and get as much sympathy and feedback as possible, but be choosy.
Your favorite aunt may be a great source of comfort, but does she know your vision? Your line of work? Your heart? Maybe not, so keep that in mind when she, or anyone, gives you well-meaning, but non-expert advice for the future. Consider the source when you’re considering feedback. The mentor who has seen you through to this stop on your journey is going to have a better understanding of what you should consider your next step, then even the most loving family member.
Let go of the picture in your head
I know, I know, you thought it was going to happen. You thought you had it all figured out, and you were just sure it’d work out.
You’ve been walking around with a picture in your head, titled “The Way Things Are Going To Be”, and you’ve been planning for the future based on that picture. Now that picture is shattered, and you’re having trouble figuring out the future plans without it. Release that picture to make room for a new vision, but before you let it go completely, spend a little time visualizing. In the new picture in your head, is there anything you’d use again from the old one? You’re not reinventing the wheel, you’re repurposing it. Can you use pieces of the old plan to build the new one? What parts still work for you? Do you want to climb the same mountain but on a new path? Or do you want to pick a whole new mountain to climb? Where you want to go from here is up to you!
Set a new goal, or adjust the old one
Take a good look at the goal though. There are two ways that goals can trip you up if you let them. The first way is setting the bar too high. Is your goal realistic? Can you build and visualize an actual plan to get there from where you are right now? Or are you just hoping that good fortune and the correct star alignment will propel you there? If you can’t picture a workable plan to hit your goal, it’s probably too high. If you can’t see how you’ll work toward it, how can you hit it? Bring it back a bit, and set your sights on the stars you can actually reach with work and commitment. Be careful though, because the other way a goal can trip you up is if you set the bar too low. It may be natural to want to take baby steps, after a big leap led you to disappointment, but if you set that goal too low, and too simple, will it be worth working for? Will it get you out of the bed in the morning filled with enthusiasm for the tasks it takes to get there? Or is it just a safe, nonthreatening way to say “I’m still working” with no risk, and by extension, no real reward?
Make a new plan
Make a new plan. So now you’ve taken time to mourn the loss of your original plan, you’ve talked to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend, you’ve talked to a trusted friend or mentor (or more than one!) you’ve released the plan that went awry, and you’ve adjusted your goals accordingly. Now is the time to start planning.
Most likely, while you were sorting through all the above steps, that new plan started to take shape in your head, but now is the time to really focus on it. Time to commit that plan to words, drawings, diagrams, whatever it takes to help you visualize getting there, and to commit yourself to it. That, however, doesn’t mean it’s written in stone. Plans should be living things, capable of changing when you recognize a small misstep.
This plan should be workable AND flexible. Sometimes (as you’ve no doubt learned) what we plan in our heads doesn’t work as well in the real world. Set your plan in steps, and when one step doesn’t go as you’d hoped, build a new one.
Disappointment is an unavoidable part of life. We can’t hide from it, but we can learn to work with it. Even the best maps occasionally take us to detours and roadblocks. The keys to getting anywhere are flexibility and determination. If you take your disappointment as temporary, use some good introspection, healthy self-talk, and even some constructive criticism, you can use that disappointment as a catalyst to bigger and better things.
Irene Sahs Ivanac is a MSW Candidate and intern at Reset Brain and Body. She is also a licensed massage therapist. Reset Brain and Body is an integrative mental health care practice. Our services include individual therapy, couples and family therapy, yoga therapy, play therapy, art therapy, and group programs and events. If there is anything we can support you with, please connect with us by emailing us visiting us on Facebook, or Instagram, or scheduling a session with one of our therapists.
