How to Get Out of Your Own Way
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Hi Community,
I remember when my friend got passed up for a promotion. She was ambitious, and talented and seemed like she had it all together. However, the feedback from her manager was, “you have to get out of your own way”. At the time, she was shocked and overwhelmed. As her friend, I agreed with her dismay.
Since then and over time, I’ve gotten a better sense of what this means because I see it daily with my clients. Myself too ;)
So, let’s learn how to get out of our own ways.
TOOLS
Do you know what you want? Honestly, that’s the first question to ask yourself when you’re feeling stuck.
What do I want and what am I prepared to do to achieve it?
Most of humanity aims for quick fixes and easy solutions. You know this. Cheap Tricks isn’t just a band name.
Identify what you really want. Try this meditation to visualize it 1, 2, 10 years out. Or use this exercise on an ongoing basis. Get clear and be convincing to yourself. Write it down. Create a vision board. Really see and feel what it is you’re aiming for.
Consider what are you willing to do to get there. Now you may begin to feel overwhelmed, anxious, scared, and put off. As my dad quotes from his patent attorney grandpa would always say, “The idea is the easy part. Executing is what’s hard.”
GRATITUDE
You all know we don’t like pain, right? And yet the age-old saying goes, “no pain no gain”. Anti-hustle culture advocates (me too!) have worked to reframe that message into gentler, more intuitive, more compassionate responses.
And yet, here’s the thing: There are seasons that are more apt to allow you to put the wheels in motion.
Burnout is no joke. Hyperarousal (fight/flight) and hypoarousal (freeze) states are real, physiological responses to stress, trauma, and constant triggering overload.
I know that I am finally getting out of a burnout season. Being a new mom, then a second-time mom during the pandemic, running a business (of mental health care!), coping with postpartum, trauma of a car accident, and healing my health…. the last mmm, 3 years haven’t been my season.
The things in my way were me, yes, but also outside of my control.
While at the time I probably (most definitely) felt differently, looking back, I know now that certain habits, routines, self-care practices and ambitions were just not going to go anywhere while so dysregulated.
Sometimes, we need to accept where we’re at and remember that there will be a time to aspire, climb and have the capacity to do so. Gratefully, not every season in life is one to move you forward. Sometimes, it’s essential to stay put. It’s in the stillness we learn how to sit in uncomfortable feelings. And, the only way out, is always through.
INNOVATION
But gosh did I beat myself up over all the ways I felt I was failing myself in my stuckness! All the times I couldn’t stick with a routine, couldn’t get myself to instill that habit or reclaim my sense of self - I blamed myself.
You see, toxic, negative self-talk is another way in which we get in our own way.
What if, instead of being so hard on ourselves during the difficult seasons, we accepted the season for what it is, our imperfections and roadblocks, and just rode the wave of it all?
And then, when we’re not in constant flight/flight from being so hard on ourselves, we could practice more compassion, tenderness, and gentleness toward ourselves.
See, we cannot change for the better when we’re in a frenetic, stressed state. While we may think we’re doing more, we’re depleting our nervous system and hurting ourselves. Again, burnout.
Once we get out of our own negative self-talk, we make way for a peaceful appreciation of what is right now, at this moment - even the imperfect, hard, and uncomfortable.
How do you put pressure on yourself to heal quicker, do more, and “get back to normal” faster? Notice how that pressure feels in your body. Perhaps you are inadvertently putting more stress on your body.
Try compassion. Try patience. Try peace for what is right now.
FEELS
And then, my friends. Then, once we’ve “reset”, we find an opportunity to really enact some changes. It’s from a slowed-down, aligned, and intentional place that we can use our awareness and resilience to put positive changes in motion.
Have you ever tried to change the battery on a flashlight in the pitch dark during a tornado warning with kids screaming? Tell me how that goes.
You cannot help yourself, or anyone else, with your hair on fire.
So here’s a little recipe for you to get out of your own way:
Identify what you want to change, how you want to feel and what life looks like without the obstacles in front of you.
Ask yourself if you’re in the season to make those changes.
If not, practice acceptance, patience, and surrender so that you’ll know when you’re ready. Let go of all the criticism and stories of “not enough” and lean into being okay right now because it’s temporary.
Practice regulating your system through breathwork, mindfulness, meditation, gentle movement, and somatic therapy.
Make changes, if you’re in the season to do so:
Set up a plan. What is your AM and/or PM routine? What do you want to try and commit to? Break this down into small components that build upon each other.
When you lack motivation in the moment, count to 5 and make yourself start.
When you find yourself undisciplined, ask yourself “why” 5 times. Get to the root of your obstacles.
Celebrate successes, and milestones and do so with others.
Lastly, most importantly, stay in your own lane. You cannot do all the things, all the time. Remember that you can make a meaningful, important life if you just stay focused on an area with passion, commitment, and integrity. It’s all enough.
