How to Build Resilience Through a Holistic Mental Health Lens

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Hi Community,

Lately, it feels like my family has hit a “reset” - there’s been a shift in our home. I could chalk this up to the shift in weather and finally feeling Spring around the corner. Naturally, most of us in states that experience Winter’s relentlessness feel an improved mood come April. But, this Winter we just seemed to have figured it out - like how to not be miserable during those gray, cold months.

It hasn’t been without obstacles. Since Thanksgiving, we had a kid home every week with either sickness, a day off from school, or a snow day. We’ve had Covid, Influenza A, Strep, and Norovirus all in the past 4 months, in addition to countless other colds and viruses causing snot and cough explosions.

I could go on but I won’t bore you with it all because I know you’ve experienced a hard winter too. The political climate, ongoing gun violence, collective traumas, inclement weather, grief, loss, mental health disruptions, financial crises, job disturbances…

And here’s the thing: life goes on and continues to present hardships, so how can we deal with all with a bit more resilience?

I’m going to share with you how we’ve managed this Winter. Maybe some of it will help you going into the Spring or any season that feels especially hard.

TOOLS

Recently I had the honor of speaking to the staff at Bird Elementary School. One of the pain points they shared with me was the children’s use of technology - smartphones at 8 yrs old, video games, and of course, social media.

I’ve said this many, many times but allowing kids such access to technology is just not a good idea. This amazing psychiatrist, Dr. Alok Kanojia, or “the healthy gamer” stunned me with this quote:

“Internet is the fast food of life”

Dr. Kanojia’s work is incredible at helping individuals reduce their dependency on technology, set healthy boundaries and find replacements for technology in their lives. This 30-minute video on internet addiction is worth your time if you or your children struggle with the overuse of technology.

So on those dark days of sickness and no end in site? We watched shows. There was even a 2 day period when my kids were on their tablets. But after those few days of what I was seeing was my children unable to handle boredom, self-entertain or even regulate themselves without technology, we quickly changed gears.

It required….BOUNDARIES!

Woo, boundaries are some of the greatest tools we have to use in managing our relationships with ourselves, others, and what we consume. With these little tweaks, we’ve been able to balance our use of technology well, therefore making more time to connect and finding more space to be creative, playful, and present.

So, here’s what we did to have a “tech-less” winter:

1. Said “no” to iPads. None. We do not use tablets in this house. One exception: plane rides. Good thing that doesn’t happen more than a couple of times a year.

2. Watch “live” TV. I went ahead and purchased YouTubeTV so that now my kids know the glory and dissatisfaction of commercials and have to wait for the shows they like. I LOVE seeing their discomfort (it’s GOOD!) and I’m not adding more instant gratification in their lives. They have enough (Hi, Alexa, and Google).

3. Find shows we all like to watch together. We LOVE any of the Great British Bake Off shows and this winter we got into Junior Bake Off. Yes, my 2 and 5 yr olds love it. They also love watching sports like golf and Formula One. These are things that align with our family hobbies and bring us together.

4. No one is allowed to watch something alone in a separate room. We have to find something to watch together.

5. NO TIKTOK AT ALL. NONE. ZERO. DELETE.

6. I changed all my passwords on social media, then deleted them in my saved keychains and password books. If you are trying to reset your password to Facebook to “check your feed” there’s a certain type of reality you have to face up to. I find no value in being on social media (thank you to Margaux for managing our business account!) and it never makes me feel better. I go on social media when I’m bored, feeling FOMO, or just out of habit. It’s amazing how much time you can reclaim when you stop scrolling :)

To drive this home a little more, Dr. Kanojia helps us see the real impact on our brains when we overuse technology,

“As we spend more time on technology, we don’t have patience for real life. Technology keeps getting easier while real life keeps getting harder. The internet is like the fast food of life.” It’s cheap, convenient, and feels good at the moment, but at what cost?

GRATITUDE

“Do the small things with extreme regularity and consistency. That’s how you move the needle.” —Rich Roll

Since January I’ve been waking up almost daily at 5 am to move my body for 30 minutes and then meditate for another 30 minutes. There are some days that I sleep in, of course. On other days I sit in front of the space heater reading a book but I’m showing up, consistently. That hour in the morning is mine and it sets me up for a better day.

I’ve also been using the Waking Up app by Dr. Sam Harris for the last few weeks as my guide, to change things up and it’s been really fulfilling. The other day I had this meditation that was a full-blown, expansive experience of gratitude. One of those where I’m smiling by the end and then it hit me - one major reason for this shift in my family is because mom and dad have shifted.

We’ve been focused on our whole health and committed to doing the little things, with extreme regularity, that we have been more regulated. We know that co-regulation is essential to shifting the vibe all around us. We know this and believe it so much, it’s the “C” in our PACS model for modern mindful parenting. In our home co-regulation has been established more consistently because of our commitments to self-exploration and self-care.

And co-regulation is developed through cultivating calm. How do you get calm? You do the small things, every day, with extreme regularity that regulate your system. It’s movement, contemplation, adequate sleep, slowing down between tasks, sitting to eat, waiting to react, breathing deeply, and limiting caffeine and sugar. Regulation is also having enough awareness to know when, why, and how you become dysregulated so you can plan and try and prevent those triggers.

Since the Fall, we’ve been attending couples therapy weekly. It’s been a sacred space for both of us to talk openly about what is triggering us at home, how we dysregulate, and subsequently, our moods impact the family. We’ve built such a stronger sense of awareness so that we can create an action plan to manage our stressors and stay calm despite the chaos. Things like consistently exercising, getting enough sleep, limiting technology use, and eating nourishing foods all support our ability to manage stress.

INNOVATION

See, it still surprises me when we talk about mental health and do not talk about our relationship with our bodies and overall health.

Typically in the winter, my husband gets SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). This year he remarked how it’s the first year in his memory he never had it. Never even had a wave of it. This winter, we supported each other and integrated a holistic mental and physical health lifestyle, and stayed committed to it.

We’ve moved our bodies daily. This has been about encouraging each other and not being competitive or spiteful towards the other’s fitness. Daily movement also could be flexible, like when I do 5 minutes of push-ups and planks after my meditation because I am too tired out to move any more than that!

We’ve been committed to healthier eating by working with our friends at Grace Savory and Sweet who deliver weekly nutritious lunches and dinners. This has also been a life hack of limiting time in the kitchen and having more time with family, playing, and finishing work. Cooking meals for the entire family every night was identified as a “plastic ball” for me and I’m so glad to have the support of GSS to outsource this work!

In total, we’ve been nourishing ourselves with things that actually nourish us like creative real-life social activities (skiing, golfing, group acro-yoga…yes) and going on date nights not just for dinner and drinks but instead to concerts, symphonies, or game nights with friends. What we’ve been consuming has been mindful and truly in our best interests, aligned with our values and how we wish to spend our time. Which also means less time online ;)

In this, I’ve had to say “no” a lot. I’ve had to pull out of social groups that felt like too much pressure to engage in behaviors no longer aligned with my best and most centered self. I’ve gone through grief and loneliness in this process, a lot of FOMO and doubt but I know that the more I connect to myself, the more none of that matters anyway.

FEELS

If you are a current client at Reset, most likely you’ve heard us talking about the holistic, integrative elements that support our mental health. At Reset, we believe that the pillars of rest, breath, connection, movement, and nourishment are essential to the care of our mental health.

Admittedly, these elements, in my family, have evaded us for the last 3 years. I have a million excuses as to why but I also know that I could have kept making excuses for the last 6 months. It’s not like life has been smooth and with zero obstacles. We’ve had plenty of stressful events but we haven’t let our environment or these events get in the way of our commitment to holistic health.

This time, we’ve been able to ride the wave of life - which is always, inherently, filled with uncontrollable and hard things - with so much more ease, patience, and resilience. And resilience is really what we’re working for - the ability to get back up and the faith we can continue to persevere. I’m not saying work harder, hustle, and fight through the pain.

Resilience, in my opinion, is about feeling everything but choosing to continue anyways. It is by feeling all the feels that we can more quickly, and more confidently keep going. It’s a lighter existence to feel the challenges/pain/big emotions, accept what is hard, and make intentional choices. It’s much heavier to resist, repress and recycle in our minds and body all the feelings, negativity, and despair. 

This world is messy. This week has been especially tough as I know a lot of us are processing the most recent school shooting. (Parents- here is a helpful guide for how to talk about these tragedies with your kiddos!) It’s easy to dig our heads in the sand and disconnect. It’s easy to just keep the pace of doing more to avoid our feelings. It’s justifiable to console ourselves with numbing behaviors like food, substances, and technology.

But we’re not here to numb out. We’re here to wake up. By waking up and living in an intentional space, we will change things for the better. But we MUST start with ourselves. It’s not easy, but it’s so important.

By lifting up yourself with these essential pillars of health, you will be able to lift others too.

So start with the Reset pillars and ask yourself these questions about them:

1. Rest. Am I getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night? If not, why? What boundaries can I have to prioritize my sleep? How can I alter my PM routine to aid in getting a full amount of sleep? What is my relationship with technology in my bedroom? Do I have moments to rest during the day, even if just for 90 seconds to pause?

2. Breathe. Am I able to sustain my pace of daily living? What are my practices to regulate my system? How can I be more aware of my thoughts, feelings, and reactions? Can I begin a practice to use my breath as the anchor for presence?

3. Connect. Who is in my support system? How can I more frequently connect with others in real life, not just online? Do I understand my authentic self and how to operate from that space? What is my relationship with nature and/or a higher power that connects me to this life with meaning and purpose?

4. Move. What is my relationship with movement and exercise? Do I prioritize moving my body in a way that is aligned with my true self? Where is there tension and trauma in my body that can be released? How do I hold onto and carry thoughts/feelings/experiences that limit my mobility?

5. Nourish. What do I choose to consume and how does it serve my best self? What is it that fills me up? What is my relationship with food and substances? How might I choose to nourish myself in ways that benefit my health and do I know what those are?

See you again soon - this was a lot so I’m going to try and come back to you more often. Until next time…