Lies You've Been Told About Anger: Emotional Wisdom For Moms
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A couple of weeks ago, I found myself anticipating September—ready for back-to-school season, cooler temperatures, and a return to steady routine. But instead of excitement, I noticed something darker creeping in: increased anxiety, growing apathy, and a sharp decrease in my tolerance toward my kids.
It all came to a head one Sunday after yoga. You'd think I'd be particularly zen, right? Instead, I completely lost my temper with my 5-year-old. I was mortified. The shame spiral hit hard—deep remorse, tears, holding him while apologizing without making excuses, just raw disappointment in myself.
Shame and Regret after an Outburst
As a recovering perfectionist, I can easily fall into a destructive loop. One moment of human imperfection triggers the internal messaging system: You're bad. You're a disappointment. You're a fraud. You can't trust yourself. I have been known to revisit a mental catalog of my worst moments, affirming the worst narratives I have about myself.
Thankfully, my therapist doesn't let me stay there. When I met with her a couple days later, she didn't coddle me or dismiss what happened. Instead, she held space—nonjudgmental, patient—allowing me to vulnerably share and start connecting the dots.
At one point, she asked me, "I hear that you felt a loss of control in that moment, but I'm also hearing anger underneath. Could that be true?"
I sat with it. Naming it felt like exhaling after holding my breath—yes, anger. I was furious. And when I permitted myself to lay it all out, I realized I'm angry about a lot of things.
Feeling Angry As a Mom
I recently read a study that stated women approaching menopause manage their anger better than at earlier ages. It shared that anger temperament, anger reaction, anger expressed aggressively, and hostility - these forms of anger decrease significantly with age. However, the level of suppressed anger remained unchanged.
Y'all, just now my computer suggested editing the above "suppressed anger" to "suppressed rage." I think it knows where I'm going with this.
I should note that this research was conducted primarily with white, educated women, and my reflections come from my own lived experience as a white woman. For many women of color, expressing anger carries additional risks—from harmful stereotypes to cultural expectations that prioritize group harmony or emotional restraint. The "permission" to feel and express anger is not equally available to all women, and I honor the wisdom of those whose realities differ from mine.
In my reflection, I started asking myself, what if we're not actually getting better at managing anger as we age? What if we're just getting better at burying it? The study's distinction between expressed anger decreasing while suppressed anger remains constant felt like a key to understanding my own experience—and perhaps the experience of many women around me.
When my therapist and I dug into my anger, I recognized a familiar pattern: the sacrificial mother who does so much for her loved ones, compromises her own needs, tends to others before herself. And yet, rather than express her anger at the perceived lack of respect and appreciation, she buries it. Because how can a loving mother also hold so much resentment? The world needs her to be soft, gentle, accommodating...or so generations of mothers have been told.
Historically, the world does not welcome an angry mother. The world does not accept a rageful woman.
And yet, the anger is real. The rage is valid. I don't think we get less angry as we age—I think we get burned out by it all. The fight becomes so exhausting that women condition themselves to suppress it out of sheer self-preservation. As we age, we learn to quiet ourselves. Demure is celebrated. Invisible is the goal.
And yet, in the moments when we feel like we cannot do anything, our anger still serves a powerful individual purpose.
I know that resentment serves as an important cue that I have unmet needs. My intolerance, impatience, and irritability are arrows pointing back to show me what I need. Resentment is my alert system to reclaim my power. It's an alarm that reminds me I've been giving my power and energy away to others and things, neglecting my own needs.
Next time I notice my resentment, I know I must turn attention toward myself and honor what I need, at all and any costs. Even at the expense of letting others down, of taking too much time or space, of letting the plastic balls drop like the laundry, a fresh-cooked meal, or my kid's heat exhaustion (they'll recover and be fine).
Rather than suppressing and ignoring it, feeling defeated or hopeless, I encourage you to use anger as a helpful siren and resentment as a call to action.
Explore Anger in a Safe Way
I recognize that not all women have the same safety or social permission to explore and express their anger. For some, the consequences—whether due to racism, cultural expectations, or other forms of marginalization—may be too high. Please honor your own wisdom about when and how it's safe to feel and express these emotions. Our anger intersects with our identities in ways that shape both our experience and how others receive it.
Questions to Reflect on and Learn from Your Anger
With that awareness, I offer these questions for reflection, knowing each of us must navigate them within our own circumstances:
What do you need?
Who are you giving your power away to?
How can you refocus your attention on yourself and meet your own needs?
Anger can be used better than to destroy, blame, or shut down. Anger is our indicator to hold ourselves accountable for the situation we're in and empower ourselves.
This doesn't mean we become selfish or stop caring for others. It means we recognize that our anger— even when it feels uncomfortable, even when the world tells us to suppress it— holds wisdom. It's pointing us toward what matters most. The goal is to listen to our anger more carefully, to honor what it's trying to tell us, and to have the courage to act on that information with compassion, both for ourselves and others.
Because friends, staying in martyr and victim? That's not how we move the needle. But neither is suppressing the very emotions that could guide us toward the changes we need to make.
What is your anger trying to tell you?
Support for Your Journey
At Reset Brain and Body, we support clients through seasonal transitions, foundational and holistic wellness, parenting fatigue, and nervous system regulation. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Our team is here to walk with you—through the overwhelm and into presence.
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This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools: I think, if anything, we should have more helpful expressions of our rage and anger. It’s so hard to let it out - to metabolize it in a way that feels like a true release. That’s why rage rooms, ecstatic dance, punching bags, and primal screaming are all therapeutic tools of choice for me and our team. It’s meant to be felt and expressed. Let it out.
Gratitude: I have deep gratitude to my trusted friends who held space for me when I shared, vulnerably, about losing my cool with my kid. As a therapist, you believe you should be better and do better. I’m so grateful for unconditional love.
Innovation: Here’s the study about menopausal women and anger. What do you think of the findings? I’d love to hear from you.
Feels: I read a quote that said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting another person to suffer." I just feel like we all can sit with that a bit.