Fawning: Understand and Challenge Your Response to Stress
Most of us are familiar with “fight or flight”, or even “freeze”, when it comes to how our nervous systems respond to trauma and stress. The “fawn” response is often forgotten or misunderstood, yet it is a very common response - especially among those of us who have experienced chronic or complex trauma.
What does it mean to fawn?
Fawning often happens when we feel stuck- we don’t see fighting or fleeing as an option, and so we please and appease to attempt to avoid or minimize conflict.
Pete Walker, psychotherapist and expert on complex trauma, teaches that people with the fawn response seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. He states, “The price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, or boundaries.” Pete Walker created a Code of the Fawn Type, which explains this in further detail.
Code of the Fawn Type
It is safer:
To listen than to talk
To agree than to dissent
To offer care than to ask for help
To elicit the other than to express yourself
To leave choices to the other rather than to express preferences
When we’re people-pleasing, we’re also self-abandoning. We might think we're simply being nice and considerate, meanwhile we’re building resentment in relationships and sending messages to ourselves that we’re not worthy of respect and consideration. When this cycle continues for an extended period of time, we might even struggle to identify or process our own thoughts and feelings because we’re so used to focusing solely on others.
In my conversations with clients that identify with the fawn type, I find that they’re surprised how resentful they are. Sometimes just bringing up the word “resentment” opens up a big door they haven’t previously allowed themselves to consider. When we’re constantly pleasing others, resentment builds and leads to further isolation and relational conflict. We might even be secretly hoping that others will notice our people-pleasing and return the favor- leading to even more disappointment and resentment, and dipping into codependent territory.
Questions to Consider for Fawn Types
In what relationships/areas of my life am I resentful? Am I contributing to that cycle by withholding my honesty, needs, or preferences? How can I communicate more honestly?
Why is others’ comfort more important than my own? Why am I willing to abandon my needs so quickly? Why do I feel the need to carry all the discomfort in the room?
Am I assuming the worst in others? What would actually happen if I communicated honestly? What are the potential consequences realistically? Can I tolerate those consequences?
Action: Communicate Your Needs
Let People In
Tell people in your life that you’re working on this so they can support you! It might feel more approachable to say, “Hey remember that thing I’m working on in therapy- I’m going to try to implement that here.”
Set Boundaries
Set boundaries- even if it’s just with yourself/not communicated out loud. Ex: “Today, I’m only answering my phone if I’m emotionally available to talk.”
Give Yourself Grace
Let yourself make mistakes! This is allowed. It is okay to disappoint people. Try: “I know I agreed to _____, but I gave it more thought and I’m actually not comfortable with that,” or “I changed my mind about _____. I’m sorry if that inconveniences you.”
Work Towards Assertiveness
Work toward assertive responses- it’s okay to start small. It’s better to take a pause or aim for neutral than to enthusiastically agree with something you don’t align with. Try: “Let me think about it and get back to you” instead of “Of course! No problem!”
More Information on the Fawn Response and How to Challenge It
Complex PTSD: Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker - psychoeducation on the fawn response
The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck - encouragement to live honestly and authentically
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab - practical communication tools
Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff - psychoeducation and practices on how to consider the self
Things to Remember
Remember, behavioral change is a gradual process. Start with small, manageable steps to even just acknowledge and identify moments when you are fawning, and slowly begin unlearning your behaviors at a pace that feels safe to you.
With time, patience, and self-compassion, you can grow out of the fawn response and learn to manage stress with healthy coping skills.
Ready to start your healing journey? Our therapists specialize in providing trauma-informed care. Contact us today to begin your healing journey.