All About Self-Trust: Break Free from Reassurance Seeking
By Chidimma Ozor Commer, LMSW, PhD
Did you know that reassurance-seeking behaviors—constantly looking to others for validation and approval—can create a cycle of insecurity, self-doubt, and anxiety? What if, with the support of your therapist, you could break free from this cycle by building one of the most important foundations for your emotional health: self-trust?
Read this blog to explore how building self-trust can help you break free from the need for constant reassurance, allowing you to make confident decisions, feel empowered (plot twist: you can empower yourself!), and reduce anxiety.
What is Self-Trust?
Self-trust is the ability to rely on your own judgment, decisions, and abilities without needing external validation. It’s rooted in self-confidence and self-awareness. It is when you know deep within yourself that you are doing the right thing for YOU.
The Role of Self-Trust in Emotional Health: When we trust ourselves, we feel empowered, make more decisive choices, and experience less anxiety and self-doubt. It also enhances our ability to cope with uncertainty and accept imperfections without ruminating, overthinking, and negative self-talk.
Consequences of Lacking Self-Trust: A lack of self-trust often leads to reassurance-seeking behaviors, indecision, and a reliance on others to dictate our worth and choices.
Risks and Harms of Reassurance Seeking Behaviors
What is Reassurance Seeking?
Reassurance seeking is the unhealthy habit of constantly asking others for validation or confirmation, often driven by self-doubt or insecurity. This can manifest in relationships, work, personal decisions, and even within the therapeutic relationship/alliance you are building with your therapist or counselor.
Short-Term Relief vs. Long-Term Effects
While reassurance-seeking may offer temporary relief from anxiety, it reinforces the belief that you can’t trust your own judgment and keeps you dependent on others’ opinions. The other thing about constantly seeking reassurance from outside sources is that it can be exhausting for you and for them and it keeps you stuck in self-doubt.
How Reassurance Seeking Reinforces Self-Doubt
Every time we seek reassurance, we reinforce our belief that we are not capable of trusting ourselves. This can create a cycle of doubt, anxiety, and over-reliance on others. Rinse and repeat.
Five Strategies for Building Self Trust
Acknowledge and Challenge Self-Doubt
Self-doubt is natural for everyone, including your counselor or therapist, but instead of letting it control your actions, challenge it. Ask yourself, “What evidence do I have that supports my ability to handle this situation?” Over time, you’ll begin to build confidence in your own capabilities.
Therapeutic journal prompt for you: What is one recent situation where I trusted myself to make a decision? How did it feel to rely on my own judgment?
Set Small, Achievable Goals
Building self-trust begins with taking small steps toward trusting yourself. Set small goals and follow through on them. As you successfully complete these tasks, the trust you begin to build in yourself will naturally grow.
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s important to be kind to yourself when mistakes happen. Instead of beating yourself up, view mistakes as learning opportunities. This encourages a mindset where you learn from experience rather than rely on external approval. Your own experiences will be your teacher. Lean in.
Therapeutic journal prompt for you: How can I show compassion to myself when I make a mistake or struggle with a difficult emotion?
Reflect on Past Successes
Look back at moments in your life when you successfully navigated challenges or made good decisions. Reflecting on these moments can remind you of your ability to trust yourself moving forward.
Therapeutic journal prompt for you: Think of a time when I faced uncertainty or fear but still made it through. What did I do in that moment that demonstrated my ability to trust myself?
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparison undermines self-trust. And we’ve heard, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Focus on your unique path and capabilities rather than seeking validation from others or measuring your success against theirs. This might also be a good time to scale back on social media. As many have said, social media provides an opportunity for folks to illuminate the highlights of their lives without similarly exposing the low spots.
Breaking Free From Reassurance Seeking Behaviors
Awareness is Key
The first step in breaking any habit – including reassurance-seeking – is by recognizing when you’re doing it. Start paying attention to moments when you feel the urge to ask for validation. Practice third-party observation. This is when it’s as if you’re floating above yourself in your conversations with others. It provides a great vantage point for observation and growth.
Create a “Pause” Practice
When you feel the urge to seek reassurance, create a pause. Take a moment to breathe and ask yourself: “What do I already know about this situation? What is my gut telling me?” By pausing, you give yourself space to trust your instincts and honor your insights.
Challenge Your Need for Reassurance
Every time you want to seek reassurance, remind yourself that you have the inner resources to handle the situation. Instead of asking for confirmation, practice trusting your own judgment and decision-making process.
Therapeutic journal prompt for you: What are the benefits of trusting myself over seeking others' opinions? How does relying on others for reassurance limit my growth or independence?
Gradually Reduce Reassurance Seeking
Start by reducing the frequency of seeking reassurance in small ways. For example, if you often seek confirmation from a friend before making decisions, try making one decision on your own and reflect on how it feels. Gradually, this will help you reduce the dependency on others.
Therapeutic journal prompt for you: What is one situation today where I can challenge myself to trust my own instincts without asking for reassurance? How will I remind myself to trust myself in that moment?
Build Supportive Relationships
Seek out relationships where your self-trust is respected and encouraged. Surround yourself with people who support your independence and growth, rather than those who fuel dependency or undermine your judgment.
Self-Empowerment and Trusting the Process
Rebuilding and nurturing self-trust is a process, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. By breaking free from reassurance-seeking habits, you free yourself from dependency on others and build a strong sense of self-reliance and inner confidence.
Encouragement to Start Small
Remember, building self-trust is a gradual process. Start with small, manageable steps to shift away from reassurance seeking and begin nurturing your relationship with yourself. Lean into your inner knowing.
If you’re ready to break the cycle of self-doubt and reassurance-seeking, start by incorporating some of these practices into your daily life, including with your mental health professional. With time, patience, and self-compassion, you can build the confidence to trust yourself completely. Trust us and more importantly, trust yourself.
Ready to start your healing journey? Our therapists specialize in providing anxiety-conscious care. Contact us today to begin your healing journey.
