TGIF | How to Reset: Embracing the Journey of Parts Work
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Dear community,
It's been fun here at Reset this quarter as we dove deeper into parts work and the Internal Family Systems (IFS) method. Our clinicians have been innovatively integrating movement, art, games, music, and meditation to facilitate our clients' exploration of their inner selves and foster insight and curious inquiry. Consequently, amidst our focus on training in parts work practices, we have also encountered opportunities in our own journeys. A therapist’s work is never done!
As we reflect on our behaviors, both past and present, we often unearth roots that trace back to our childhood experiences. Rather than approaching these discoveries with judgment, we strive to embrace them with compassion, recognizing them as coping mechanisms developed in response to our early environments. In our pursuit of understanding these origins, we often encounter younger versions of ourselves trapped in pain and shame.
Consider, for instance, a child who grew up feeling responsible for their parent's happiness. This child might adopt co-dependent behaviors, seeking validation and approval from others throughout their lives. As adults, they may struggle to prioritize themselves, constantly striving to please others and fearing disappointment. Through reflection and awareness, we connect these dots, unraveling the complex web of our behavioral patterns.
Yet confronting these deep-seated hurts and traumas can be daunting. Often, these wounds originate from vulnerable and painful experiences that we've attempted to bury and numb over the years. It is hard to do the work and reset our behavioral cycles.
My recent guilty pleasure is "The Kardashians" on Hulu. Kourtney, the oldest sister, has made a lot of progress in therapy and, in a recent episode, was trying to share her insights with her mom. She had realized how much of her controlling, pacifying, and enabling behaviors came from her models from childhood. She wants to "reset" the family trajectory and not pass on those same patterns to her own children. Despite her convictions, her mom started making jokes about Kourtney's dimples and tried to change the subject - anything to avoid the topic quickly.
While some may shy away from delving into the past, believing it is irrelevant to their present, others recognize the value of introspection. By facing our past selves head-on, we pave the way for healthier relationships, deeper self-understanding, and growth opportunities.
It's not uncommon to hear sentiments like, "Well, they turned out okay, so I couldn't have been that bad," from adults reflecting on their child’s upbringing. While it's comforting to believe in our resilience, acknowledging our shortcomings and seeking opportunities for improvement is equally important. As parents, we should aspire to create spaces where our children feel safe to offer feedback and where we can learn from our mistakes.
I hope that if my kids come to me someday and say where I could have been better, I wish to be receptive and curious. If your kids are currently in therapy, isn't it so cool that they can be reflective in a safe space to offer you feedback? Why wouldn't we want to do better? Why wouldn't we want opportunities to repair? If my kids (correction, when my kids) go to therapy, I look forward to learning from my inevitable misgivings. I can compassionately and non-judgmentally look back and realize huh, yea, that sucks. I missed the mark on that. I trust I was doing my best, but now I've been allowed to do better and ask for forgiveness. What a gift.
And here's the thing: We repeatedly offer that gift to ourselves every time we're reflective. Every time we react out of fear, big feelings, and dysregulation, we have an opportunity for a do-over. We don't have to wait for therapy or someone to call us in. We, each of us, can reset at any moment.
Did you snap at your spouse?
Did you overreact when your kid was playing?
Did you overconsume last night?
Pause, breathe, regulate, get curious, try again.
Did you overcommit again?
Pause, breathe, regulate, get curious, tune into the part of you fearful of what happens when you don't say "yes," and try again.
Go deeper when it feels right; go deeper when you're ready. Dear community, embrace the journey of parts work. Embrace the discomfort of confronting your past selves from one moment or ten years ago.
You always have an opportunity to reset.
And remember, you're never alone on this journey.
Thanks for being here.
And this week’s TGIFs…
TOOL - If you love Parts Work, I encourage you to read this book by the founder of IFS, Richard Schwartz.
GRATITUDE— Let’s thank the heroes who at any age are seeking clarity through therapy and contemplation. Witnessing a 80 year old start therapy for the first time is hopeful and encouraging. Watching a 12 year old ask for help is inspiring.
INNOVATION—To the lovers of personality assessments, this is a really awesome video about the intersection of IFS and the Enneagram.
FEELS - 2024 for me is the year of unburdening my people pleaser part. It’s been revolutionary. This is not a quick process, but it’s been incredibly valuable and I feel a peace never felt before.