TGIF | Navigating the Pleasure-Pain Paradigm: Protecting Our Children in the Digital Age
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Dear community,
I want to revisit a critical, buzzing topic this week. A few weeks ago, I touched upon our work of presenting mindful family solutions in a device-driven world. We’ve been talking to local community schools about this important subject, focusing on the dangers of social media and how technology has dramatically changed the online threats to our children.
This topic is uncomfortable because it touches on something so core to humans: pleasure.
There is no doubt that phones, these mini computers available in an instant to gratify our needs, increase satisfaction. We know that each time we can instantly purchase something with a speedy delivery (Amazon, Jimmy Johns), we get a dopamine kick. You feel that rush of “ahhh” and “ooooh” that tingles in your limbs and excites your belly. We know that Reels, TikToks, and watching other people’s stories online also spike our reward receptors because they are entertainment, in the same way that Netflix allows us to binge-watch a show and YouTube keeps the content coming.
Access to pleasure is effortless with the availability of technology.
I quoted this in a previous TGIF, but the line remains powerful for repeating here: “The reason we’re all so miserable may be because we’re working so hard to avoid being miserable.” ― Anna Lembke, MD
Devices have become a distraction tool from boredom, misery, and discomfort. This is especially pertinent in developing brains. And news flash: Our brains are still firing and (re)wiring, creating new opportunities, not just for those under 25. Teens and adolescents are especially vulnerable, as their brains are just beginning to develop the vital Prefrontal Cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning (discernment, rationality, impulse control, problem-solving, and focus).
The problem is that devices, such as these pleasure-emitting distraction tools, keep us in our limbic brains, the part of our brain that is most dominant in childhood and adolescence and is responsible for emotions and memory. When we operate out of this part of our brain, we focus on seeking love and approval and engaging in instant gratification and pleasure-seeking behaviors.
There is no denying the very real implications of device use on developing brains. Social media makes children feel worse about themselves and their friendships, and children can’t get off of it.
Consider this very innocent example: an 8-year-old is bored. They are restless, unfocused, and bothering you. A convenient, culturally normed, and easy fix is to offer them entertainment. Now, they have a tablet, your phone, or a video game to distract them from boredom. A device mitigates the discomfort of waiting and not feeling pleasure. In the short term, this may feel benign. However, their brains are developing in a way now that they cannot withstand just being. Normal pleasures you get from presence (smelling flowers, playing with a dog, walking in nature) feel joyless. Now, satisfaction comes from the constant stream of entertainment online, a system built to keep us engaged and coming back for more, each time, feeling worse when we get off of it as our cravings for pleasure increase with the increased stimulation. So, uncomfortable emotions cannot be handled on their own and must be suppressed or alleviated by the use of a dopamine-spiking tool. Sure, now it feels innocent enough as a table tor video game, but what happens when drugs, alcohol, and sex are options? What about sugary food, binging, and online shopping? At increasingly younger ages, our children are exposed to addiction cycles of increased cravings and withdrawal symptoms.
Big breath. I know this feels alarmist, but I promise you, this is a very big deal. I’m incredibly grateful that researchers such as Jonathan Haidt have released mass publications showcasing these real concerns. It is not far-fetched to liken social media and device usage to cigarettes as a public health concern. It is not too much to “scare straight” children and parents about online dangers.
Predators online can gain our children’s trust in under 8 minutes, resulting in children exchanging personal information, photos, and what would constitute child pornography. The stories from local police departments have been terrifying, resulting in horrific outcomes for children from addiction, exploitation, blackmail, and suicide. If a child has a device, they are not immune from these risks.
Some of you may think these things would never happen to your kid. But how would you know? If your child has a device, are you 100% read up on all the controls you have to set up? Do you know that even with controls, 2/3 of children still get messages through social media platforms (Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, Video Gaming, Reddit, X, YouTube, Roblox, Minecraft, etc…) that target them for scams and exploitation? As Jonathan Haidt powerfully says, “Our children are overprotected offline and unprotected online.” Kids are not allowed to walk their dogs alone, but they are allowed to watch YouTube without supervision.
I have done a ton of research these past few months to get information for our presentations, and I have learned a lot. For me, I come away with the simplest answer: delay. There is no way I have the knowledge, tech expertise, or capacity to monitor my children online to protect them from all the risks. I’d much rather delay their device usage until a reasonable age (current recommendations are 16 for social media, and 15 for a smartphone) and keep them present in real-world activities. Sure, it means I feel like a cruise ship director somedays, but I also feel confident that my kids can run down the street to visit a friend, walk their dog, and go to a public restroom alone. I feel much greater ease about their safety and fulfillment engaging in life offline versus the wild wild west of the online world.
We could spend weeks discussing this topic, so I am offering you an opportunity. If you want more information, please complete this form, to demonstrate interest in us presenting in your local community or participating in a webinar.
In the meantime, put down your phone. Be the model you wish to be. Life is really, really beautiful if you dare to be present in it.
Hugs. You are not alone in this journey.
And this week’s TGIFs…
TOOL - Aforementioned author, Jonathan Haidt’s Anxious Generation book is a great place to learn more about the importance of taking this subject seriously.
GRATITUDE—Northville and Plymouth-Canton public schools have been brave in bringing us in to discuss this topic with their communities. I know it’s been hard content to absorb and comes with a trigger warning, but I’m so grateful the word is spreading.
INNOVATION—We’ve been inviting Northville Township Detective Norlock to present on the real real of online dangers and it’s been shocking. However, I do not believe we can get this message’s importance across without the hard and uncomfortable data.
FEELS - Revolutionary for me in this research has been the 10 Before 10 method. Because kids are gaining access online earlier and earlier, we must talk about 10 things with them before they are 10. You’re not going to like it, but here's the list: sex, anxiety & depression, gun violence & safety, cyberbullying, masturbation, menstruation, self-harm, suicide, drugs & alcohol, sexting & sexploitation.