The Gifts of Mindfulness and Co-Regulation in Relationships
It’s February. And whether you think Valentine’s Day is a holiday worth celebrating or not, maybe there is an opportunity here in this month to take the time to reflect on how we are showing up in our relationships with our partners. Here at Reset we spend a lot of time talking about how we can stay present, practice mindfulness, and stay emotionally regulated. These are such important tools and practices for ourselves, but how can we apply them to our relationships with those we love?
Mindfulness
Jon Kabat Zinn, the creator of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program says,
“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”
In our busy world, this can sound like a daunting task, but mindfulness is simply being present, aware, and non-judgmental. The practice of mindfulness can have many positive benefits. Check out this Reset blog post on improving your life with mindfulness.
There are many ways to practice mindfulness in our daily lives, and one of them is meditation practice. Meditation can change our brains, how we feel, and reduce our stress levels. If you don’t know how to start and keep a meditation practice, check out this Reset blog post.
Mindful Communication
Bringing this practice of mindfulness into our relationships can increase connection, improve our relationships, and change how we navigate conversations and conflict. One of my favorite books of all time is, “Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication” by Oren Jay Sofer. This book is about how to find your voice, speak your truth, and listen deeply. It changed the way I communicate and the way I bring the practice of mindfulness into my relationships. In this book there are three steps to effective conversation and communication. Lead with presence, come from curiosity and care, and focus on what matters.
Presence
The first foundation of this practice is presence. Being present while we communicate lays the groundwork for connection. This is a big deal! We as humans are hardwired for connection and yet many of us feel it is something we are missing in our lives. We need to begin conversations with awareness, strive to maintain that awareness, and also be honest with ourselves about what is happening in the moment. This includes self-awareness. To say what we truly mean, we must have enough self-awareness to know what that really is. The more present we are while communicating, the more choice we have in how we show up and respond in the conversation. We typically spend a lot of time communicating on autopilot, especially with romantic partners, replaying old and sometimes harmful patterns in our relationships. However, these patterns are not necessarily the enemy. Noticing them is actually an invitation to return to our presence.
Intention
The second foundation is intention. Intention is where we are coming from. It is our motivation behind both our words and our actions. We also see our intention come through in our nonverbal communication such as body language, facial expression, or tone of voice. When we consciously choose an intention of curiosity and care, rather than falling into old habitual patterns, we can change the entire direction of our conversations.
Attention
The third foundation is attention. What we pay attention to shapes our experience. There is so much we can give our attention to while we communicate. We can pay attention to our own emotions and what we choose to say. We can pay attention to the other individual, their words, and their feelings. One really important tool can be to check for understanding. You can reflect back what you are hearing the other person say to make sure you are understanding them correctly. It is important that the other person feels understood before you move on to talk about your own experience. Feeling heard and understood is a really powerful experience. When we pay attention to our own feelings, we can recognize that our feelings are a reflection of our own needs, not a reflection of the actions of others. When we pay attention to others’ feelings, we can recognize that those feelings are a reflection of their own needs. This allows us to understand them better and realize that we are not responsible for their emotions.
Co-Regulation
Have you ever felt a shift in your own mood or energy based on your partner’s mood? This is because the nervous system of one person actually affects the nervous system of another. This is a neurological and biological process that can occur between any two people, but is especially common in our romantic relationships. If we weren’t physiologically affected by our partners, we actually wouldn’t be emotionally attached to them.
Our society puts so much value and emphasis on independence and being able to regulate your own emotions. However, not only are humans wired for connection, we are wired for co-regulation. It starts in the womb and continues when we are infants and small children. The process of co-regulation is how we actually learn self-regulation and self-soothing. However, even once we learn those skills, co-regulation doesn’t stop or lose its value. In fact, most couples are constantly co-regulating, whether they realize it or not. We can learn to choose whether this positively or negatively affects our relationship. Are we soothing each other or are we doing the opposite?
This post from Austin Intimacy Solutions talks about how co-regulation is one of 10 non-negotiable practices we need to craft the loving relationships that we want.
Co-Regulation Practices
So you might be wondering: How do we practice co-regulation? Here are some simple ways to co-regulate with your partner.
Breathe together
Light touch
Eye contact
Massage
Using a soothing voice
In practice this looks like noticing what is happening within yourself physically and emotionally, pausing for a moment, and turning towards your partner with an act of co-regulation to sooth and increase the sense of safety for your nervous systems.
Using Mindful Communication and Co-Regulation
One of the most important things to remember about mindfulness, mindful communication, and co-regulation is that they are practices. Changing the patterns in our relationships can be difficult, and I want to invite you to offer yourself some grace and compassion along the way if you choose to try to implement any of these principles or ideas.
I find that the first step in implementing these practices is to increase your own somatic awareness. This means noticing how your body feels. Try it right now. As you are reading this can you notice any sensations in the body? Maybe noticing the rise and fall of the chest or belly as you breathe. Noticing the feeling of contact with your body and the seat you are sitting on. Maybe you notice the temperature of the air on your skin. Was it easy or hard for you to notice the sensations in your body?
Increasing somatic awareness will increase the foundational communication skills of presence and awareness and provide opportunities to slow down and co-regulate with your partner. When you are mindfully communicating, you may notice changing sensations in the body. Maybe you feel tightness in your chest, an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach, or your heart is racing. This is an opportunity to pause, share what you are feeling with your partner, and ask for support through co-regulation. This might feel really vulnerable the first time you do it, and that’s okay. Some couples find it easier to just have an emotional safe word for when they notice they are becoming emotionally dysregulated. This a cue to their partner to pause and help them regulate their nervous system without them having to directly ask for it. Having increased awareness from practicing mindfulness and mindful communication can also allow us to notice the subtle attempts from our partner to co-regulate during conflict. They may simply move closer to us or reach out to touch us. When we are present and aware we avoid missing that our partner is actually turning toward us and making a bid for emotional connection.
I like to practice mindful communication and co-regulation often, including outside of having a disagreement or conflict. The more we practice, the easier it will be to use these skills in difficult moments. In addition, if we practice co-regulation frequently, the sense of safety in our relationship will increase, and we can actually help protect one another from external stressors. And what’s better than that? It can be so empowering to know that we can actually help insulate one another from stress and support each other through difficult times. Having these tools of mindful communication and co-regulation does not mean our relationships will always be perfect. But we do have the power of using these tools to co-create the relationship we desire with our partner.
If you are interested in learning more about these topics and having space to practice them, our team is here to support you.
Emily Ryan is a MSW Candidate at Wayne State University and Reset Brain and Body MSW Intern. She is passionate about working with teens and adults in their healing journey, and joins our team with extensive experience supporting others through grief and loss. Learn more about Emily and how to work with her. Reset Brain and Body is an integrative mental health care practice. Our services include individual therapy, couples therapy, family wellness consulting, yoga therapy, play therapy, art therapy, and group programs and events. If there is anything we can support you with, please connect with us by emailing us, visiting us on Facebook, or Instagram, or scheduling a session with one of our therapists.