How to Navigate Ambiguous Grief and Loss
By Chidimma Ozor Commer, PhD, LMSW
Not all grief comes with a funeral, a goodbye, or a clear ending. Some losses linger—unresolved, undefined, and often unacknowledged.
Ambiguous grief (or ambiguous loss) occurs when something—or someone—is physically or emotionally absent, yet psychologically present. Examples are estrangement from a loved one, dementia, immigration, infertility, chronic illness, addiction, loss of identity, or relationships that change but don’t fully end.
This blog aims to explore what ambiguous grief is, why it’s so painful, and how therapy can help you navigate grief that doesn’t follow traditional rules.
Understanding Ambiguous Grief
What makes ambiguous grief than other grief?
There is no closure for this type of grief. If you have always wanted a family and are struggling with infertility, what would closure look like?
There are no clear rituals and one of the most isolating things about ambiguous loss is that so many people – loved ones and strangers alike – do not understand this type of grief and loss.
The other thing is that because people don’t understand this type of grief and loss, it is often minimized by others.
Psychological Impacts:
Prolonged sadness
Anxiety, guilt, confusion
Feeling “stuck” or unable to move forward
Therapeutic Framing:
Pauline Boss, PhD defines ambiguous loss as an unclear loss, a traumatic loss, a relational disorder, one that is externally caused (e.g., illness, war, or infertility), not by individual pathology (Boss, 2010). Boss further states, “Ambiguous loss is an uncanny loss—confusing and incomprehensible” (Boss, 2010).
With ambiguous loss or grief, the nervous system struggles when loss is unresolved and doesn’t adhere to the argument that getting “closure” will help.
Key message: There is nothing wrong with you for struggling—ambiguous grief is inherently destabilizing and because we are just now beginning to discuss it both in academic and more public spheres, it can often feel incredibly isolating
Naming and Validating the Loss
Why naming matters: What isn’t named often turns inward as shame or self-blame.
Common Myths:
“It could be worse.”
“You should be over this by now.”
“They’re still alive, so why are you grieving?”
Therapeutic Role:
Therapy creates space to name the loss without minimizing it.
Therapy also helps separate grief from guilt or perceived failure. You are not whatever negative self-talk you have been telling yourself. You are grieving and do not have to do it alone.
Therapeutic reflection prompt:
“What am I grieving that others may not see or understand?”
Cognitive reframe: You are allowed to grieve even when the loss is invisible or ongoing.
Letting Go of Closure and Learning to Live With Uncertainty
The challenge: Many people wait for answers, apologies, or change before allowing themselves to heal. You can give yourself permission to start your healing journey.
Therapeutic approach:
Consider shifting from “closure” to containment. It’s easy to lean into the idea that you are waiting for closure. What if there is no closure? If you are dealing with immigration, infertility, a loved one who is living with Parkinson’s disease, or dementia, there might not be closure. With containment, you learn to manage intense feelings by securing them in a container (read: your journal or a box), even if it is mentally.
Once you have made this shift, focus on what can be held, rather than what can be resolved. The ups and downs of life that you’re grappling with may not be resolved, and yet, you can move forward and still live a fulfilling life.
Therapeutic tools:
Mindfulness and grounding can help with being able to tolerate uncertainty in your life.
Grief rituals that don’t rely on endings (letters, symbolic acts, memory objects) can also be helpful.
Therapeutic reflection prompt:
“If closure never comes, what would it look like to care for myself anyway?”
Key insight: Healing doesn’t mean forgetting or accepting the loss—it means learning how to carry it with less suffering.
Rebuilding Meaning, Identity, and Self-Compassion
Why identity matters: Ambiguous grief often disrupts who we thought we were going to be (partner, child, parent, professional, caregiver). If you are single and want to be in a healthy, romantic relationship, you may be experiencing ambiguous grief. If you long to be a parent, holding a baby in your arms, this persistent feeling that doesn’t seem to go away like your dreams of parenting, could be ambiguous loss. If you are struggling with caregiving for your parent or parent-in-love/law and you are baffled with this overwhelming feeling of grief, even though your loved one is still alive, you are not alone.
Therapeutic support:
It might be helpful to explore your identity beyond the loss, stress, and burnout with a competent therapist.
Reconnecting with values, purpose, and self-worth is also a therapeutic tool that can help you heal as you reframe your life.
Therapeutic practices:
Narrative therapy: rewriting your story with complexity gives you back your power
Self-compassion exercises to reduce self-judgment
Therapeutic reflection prompt:
“How has this loss changed me—and what parts of me are still intact?”
Reminder: You are allowed to grow around grief, not past it.
Conclusion
Ambiguous grief is real, is incredibly painful, and is deserving of care. It asks for patience, validation, and gentleness rather than quick fixes from both you and those around you.
Need additional support? Please explore these conversations with a therapist or counselor.
Ready to start your healing journey? Our therapists specialize in providing grief counseling. Contact us to begin your healing journey today.
