How to Mindfully Find Balance Among Life's Tensions
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Dreaming of Escape
I drove out to the office today, along a dreary M14, sobbing to Augustana’s Boston. You know the one - the lyrics romanticize moving far away, starting over, away from it all. In hitting mid-life, I’m recognizing a lot of uncomfortable feelings (also, hormones?!?). Near panic, I cried as I stared down what felt like the monotonous next 10 years of my life. Of course, I don’t know that. We never know what lies ahead. And therein lies the tension.
As I’ve been sharing, we’re in a season right now, a what-the-heck-is-going-on, crazy making season. Also, we cannot deny that the weather has 100% turned and winter is here. If you’re feeling more depressed about it, you’re not alone. I found that more and more people have already strung holiday lights - in our house, we have two Christmas trees this year. Because, why not?
Holiday lights glow in contrast to a dark night sky
There is a phrase I’ve been repeating to myself over the last few weeks. It’s a visual, too, something that helps me stay grounded and contained, and stops the impulses that tempt me to escape it all.
So in moments like this morning, after my sobbing, when I looked at four different locations to book a last-minute getaway, assessing costs on Google Flights, because daydreaming of a beach or desert or anywhere above 50 degrees felt like exactly the cure-all…I again returned to my mantra:
Hold the Tension
Last week, a lot of you resonated with the practice of observing, not absorbing. I’m so glad it helped and validated your own experiences. So, let’s take it further… practicing our skills of curiosity and awareness amidst unpleasantness.
When I think of holding the tension, I visualize a tightrope: only when it’s pulled tight does it allow for balance. I even saw this cool thing yesterday and thought, “maybe THAT is how my 5-year-old can stay at the dinner table!” I digress.
What do I really mean by this?
Nothing is perfect. No solution is going to arrive that makes you 100% confident. As the popular writer, Glennon Doyle has been quoted as saying,
“Life is both beautiful and brutal, it’s brutiful.”
When one area of our lives feels stable, another feels entirely out of control. One kid is thriving, another is having a difficult time. Relationships strain, and others flourish. We upset others when we finally protect our boundaries and say “no” more to others and “yes” more to ourselves. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and that’s unsettling in itself.
But it’s also the little and many complex experiences of being human:
It’s running a tiny bit late and getting stuck by the Plymouth train.
It’s waiting at the Doctor’s office while you're on a time crunch.
It’s trying to get the kids to school on time, and they are taking years to put on their shoes.
It’s walking behind your elderly parent, witnessing their declining health.
It’s holding your breath while you send your 16-year-old off in their car.
It’s dropping your 18-year-old off at college, hoping they know not to drink that drink.
It’s knowing you have a disease growing inside you while you wait for treatment to start.
It’s not knowing why your child is sick, yet again, and unable to help.
It’s being between jobs with looming holidays.
It’s letting election results roll in.
It’s the years of perimenopause as your hormones take you on a rollercoaster.
It’s watching the Lions play…
Holding the tension means recognizing and accepting the consistent undercurrent of instability and discomfort, in not knowing what’s going to happen next. It’s establishing some rootedness while being in a persistent state of not being in control.
Escape Is Not The Answer
Running away from this uncertainty, pain, and fear further disassociates us from what it means to be a human on this Earth. While it sounds damn right exhilarating to move across the world and homeschool my kids in Bali for the next 8 years, I have to ask myself: What am I chasing? What am I avoiding? The same feeling comes with rapid online shopping or pouring a glass of wine.
There’s a line from AA that my dear colleague and friend, Lisa, shared with me the other week: “Our problems will find us no matter where we are until we find a way to resolve the problem.” I feel this very deep in my core. I know this feeling very well. The sense of trying to escape my problems with superficial and impulsive fixes, thinking that maybe just something else, something more, something different will resolve the tension.
But no, the solution is never outside of ourselves. The answer - which honestly is that there is no answer - is within ourselves. It’s within us to hold the tension - the uncertainty, the discomfort, the uneasiness, the pain, the helplessness, the unknowns - to hold it. Furthermore, to hold it without crumbling to it or absorbing it. Instead, it’s being present with the tension.
How Do We Hold the Tension?
How do we do this? I’m no expert, I’m a fallible human, practicing every day. But it starts with just acknowledging the feeling. I take a deep breath. I imagine myself growing, expanding, creating space for it all. I make sure I’m sleeping well, moving my body to help release the emotional buildup, I share with friends and my therapist, and I ask for help. I control my impulses to escape and avoid by practicing my mindfulness and curiosity. I feel the tension, the urge to self-soothe with a quick “fix” and hold steady.
I then release. I soften at the real knowing that I’m never in control, and I let go into surrender. Ah, here - that’s where the magic happens. It’s in that shift of surrender that I can find ease and presence amongst the tension. Holding. Holding. Holding.
Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, it’ll all turn out even better…
Big hugs. Being human is a trip. We’ve got this because we have each other.
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Conscious Transparency: This newsletter was edited by AI for grammar, spelling, and sentence structure, but every idea, tone of voice, perspective, and word choice was my own. This newsletter is imperfect because a human wrote it. Thank you for your graciousness.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools: Music, music, music. I love, when I’m really in my feelings, to put on Pandora and let her guide my journey. I trust that whatever song comes up next is precisely what I need. During my midlife panic attack while driving, I left Pandora on. It led me next to Lumineer’s Sleep on the Floor, then to Mumford and Sons’ Roll Away the Stone, and finally Free Fallin’. I had to laugh at that last one, “gonna leave this world for a while”. Each song had a reason, a purpose for showing up. Validating, cathartic, and humbling. Thank you, music.
Gratitude: Speaking of thankfulness, we have the upcoming Season of Giving, as we call it in our house. When in despair, doubt, depression, and discomfort, the fastest way to feeling better is through service. On Monday, we took the kids to Costco and loaded up a cart for our team’s competitive food drive. I also look forward to more ways we can help this season, donating money to the amazing organization, Lost Voices. Please send any monetary donations to Venmo @mi-Reset - we’re matching dollar for dollar!
Innovation: As I come to terms with my own aging, I am very grateful for the science that has caught up with the times for the inevitable transition of over 50% of the human population. Removing the stigma and misinformation about Hormone Replacement Therapy feels like liberation and choice for millions and millions of women in midlife—a big step for women’s health and opportunity for better livelihood in a challenging chapter.
Feels: This Substack article by one of my absolute favorite (and local Michigander!) authors hit me in the perfect moment this week. I hope you read it too. Maybe follow her. She’s a gem.